Hi all, I have found this site because I really need some advice and guidance. My partner and I have been together for 3 years and have a 1 year old son together. He is 23, I am 22. Around a year ago I discovered he was watching porn excessively. He would stay up until 3/4am watching it most nights. Our sex life badly suffered, he wouldn't come to bed with me as he was more interested in staying up watching pornography. So we argued and he agreed to stop. Months went by and we were stuck in a cycle of: watches pornography - lies - watches pornography - lies. In the end he agreed not to watch pornography anymore as it was destroying our relationship. However, since then he has begun masturbating over women on Facebook (some of them are friends of ours) and women on Instagram. He denies that he does this, but I found him looking through albums of random women in the last few days and he has admitted in the past that he uses this for stimulation. No matter what I say to him he doesn't seem to be able to control himself. I have tried asking him to go to therapy, he always says he will go but never does. The last time we had sex was in August. When we do have sex it is very one sided with him finishing and then rolling over and going to sleep. I had a long conversation with him yesterday about all of this and he admitted that he doesn't like touching or giving oral to vaginas. His reasoning is that he doesn't like the wetness on his hand or the 'smell'. He also said he 'doesn't want to sit there for 15 minutes masturbating me as it does nothing for him.' I am really at a loss of what to do. I've been living with this for over a year and I am a shell of the once confident woman I was. Apologies that this is long, I am trying to condense over a years worth of relationship into one post.
His masturbation habit is destroying his natural sex drive. He probably sincerely doesn't understand the link between fapping and his lack of interest in sex with a real life partner. That's how I was. If you can get him to read up at yourbrainonporn.com it might be a good starting point. Good luck. Things can greatly improve for you if he can learn to motivate himself to abstain. Wishing you the best!
wow, just wow... I will start off with two things , one you're in the right place and two , I think there are others on this site that are much better equipped to give you advice than me but here's my input: 1) His behavior is totally in-line with married men in the grip of a porn addiction. Everything you describes was to a T what I'd expect, textbook case 2) In short, porn addiction causes men to seek the greatest reward(dopamine excitement) in procreation and with highspeed internet porn, a man can see tons and tons of novel 'mates' via visual stimulation and the accompanying masturbation-orgasm. 3) Combine the point above with the convience of it all, and regular, actual sex with a real human being becomes uninteresting and comparably inconvenient. When you have a virtual harem of women that you can just bust a quick nut to, then yes - not wanting to finger a woman because it 'does nothing for you' and ejaculating and just rolling over to sleep are to be expected of a man who is used to the 2-dimensional world of pornography that exists only in his mind and fantasies. As I am sure you are aware, love and sexual intimacy are for more complex than PMO(porn-masturbation-orgasm) and he is literally training his brain to only respond sexually to that. I am not one to dole out relationship advice but I'd suggest you really up the ante on him. As a guy I can tell you if my wife did that to me, making it so I have more to lose if I don't change, that would light a fire under my butt...
Obviously you care about him...but from what you said he sounds very selfish when it comes to taking care of your "needs". I would hazard a guess that he doesn't offer to help much with other things like cooking or cleaning? If so then it's reflecting into the sex life thus he doesn't want to do things that doesn't directly make him feel good or better. If he's not willing to see his failures in the relationship then you should arrange for some kind of intervention that he's forced to participate in...the fact he keeps saying yes then never does it just shows he's taking the temporary easy way out of the conversation by agreeing then not acting on it then agreeing again...this is a typical disrespectful mind set to be honest. I'm sorry all I've said above seems negative but I'm sure he has his good points. He just needs to see that he is not the big picture and that you both are. If I was in your position now I would... Set up counselling session to come to your home. He will either leave or stay and talk a little. He needs an ultimatum now.
I have told him he needs to ring the GP tomorrow and arrange some counselling/help. He has been to see the GP before about other problems, he suffers from ED when we try to have sex, but is fine when masturbating. He didn't tell the GP about the pornography habit and I wish I would've been more pushy at the time, but I naively believed he could just resist it on his own. I cannot set up private counselling as we don't have the funds to accommodate it. When I looked into sex therapy it was going to cost around £80 an hour which we simply cannot afford. Can this even be fixed? I am at a point now where I am not so sure. One of the worst parts of all of this is he tells me each time he will change but never actually makes an effort. I am the one spending hours on google trying to help him, forcing him to see the GP, posting on forums such as this. I honestly think if I never mentioned it or brought it up he would be 100% happy with his life. I have tried showing him websites like yourbrainonporn and some helpful youtube videos I found but he doesn't pursue them. He will look at them and show some enthusiasm whilst I am sat there with him, but after that it all gets forgotten and everything resumes as normal. I just tried to have another conversation about it with him and he has locked himself in the bedroom refusing to talk about it. He makes me feel bad asking me why I don't trust him (when he is the one lying all the time) and why I keep bringing it up.
Also just to add, what is your opinion on the Facebook/Instagram stuff? Obviously he has stopped watching actual porn, but the behaviour is continuing through a different medium. Does he need to completely cut this out? Every visual stimulation out?
The Facebook/Instagram stuff is absolutely not okay. On here, most people would call it a porn substitute, since it's not explicit, but it still feeds the addict's urges. If he wants to heal, he really needs to cut out all visual stimulation, like you said.
Don't blame yourself. Your boyfriend is addicted. Just like in any other addiction he loses interest for the other aspects of his life. He probably still loves you but isn't interested in you sexually anymore. That's not because you're unattractive. No woman on this planet could stand against the novelty of porn. The brain is looking for sexual novelty constantly and porn makes this incredibly easy. If you have thousands and thousands of novel women to look at it's natural that you will lose interest in your partner quickly. He has to stop watching porn or porn substitutes completely. That includes things like looking at pictures of women on Facebook or Instagram. He pretty much needs to cut out all artificial sexual stimulation. The only thing you can really do is have patience with him and try to convince him he is addicted. Addicts usually deny this. This is typical behaviour for any addict in order to protect their own addiction. Show him videos like Yourbrainonporn or show him the NoFap/Yourbrainonporn website so he can read up about all the stories of guys who are/were addicted to porn. Maybe the stories about erectile dysfunction will scare him. If he goes cold turkey for a couple of weeks, sexual interest in you should return fairly quickly. The things is, you can't force him to do any of that, you can only motivate and help him. If he doesn't want to change he ain't gonna change. I wish you all the best luck and hope you will feel loved again.
Also, it's absolutely not okay because it's basically cheating on you. He's using other women to get his fix, and that's hurtful, and disrespectful to you.
I have shown him this thread and he has said he is going to go cold turkey. He is also going to arrange an appointment with our GP and hopefully they will refer him to further counselling/therapy. All of this is so frightening because I never even realised the impact that pornography could have on somebody until I discovered what has been going on with my OH. It makes me so worried about when my son is older, how I will discuss pornography with him etc. There needs to be more done to warn people of the dangers that porn can cause. Too often it is just seen as 'something all young guys do', you never hear about the terrible implications it can have on someone.
I think you're going to hear about it more and more. We're still relatively new into the age of free, anonymous online streaming porn. So we're just starting to really see the cases of online porn addiction bubble to the surface. And now we've got the completely new problem of children growing up with free online porn. This is no longer a issue of finding dad's copy of Playboy in a box in the garage. This is now a problem of having 24/7 free access to unlimited source material for serious addiction. I think we're also going to see the ramifications of apps like Tindr on the sex-addiction community. Buckle your seatbelts kids, there's going to be some serious turbulence. I do think we're going to see progress in the issues of PMO becoming more and more known. Because sex is so taboo in our culture, it's always going to be a challenge to discuss and educate. The NoFap community is a great source of new articles and personal journals though. It's a good start for now. Best of luck to you and your family!
Maybe he's gay. With all due respect, I miss licking pussy more than anything. And I've been down clean women and not-so clean women. I just enjoy giving pleasure, sometimes more than receiving. BUT this doesn't change your situation. Perhaps give the guy an Ultimatum. Either lose the porn or lose me, kinda a deal. I'm sure he can work on himself. He just doesn't want to. From what you're telling us and I praise your bravery and patience, he's deeply conditioned himself into liking porn more than the real thing. So much so, that he doesn't care about human contact anymore. I think a little time apart might make him reconsider his choices. If he loves you, he'll change. If not, he won't. Sorry to be this blunt, but I'm in my NO BULLSHIT phase plus my arms hurt too much from shuffling leaves all day (I live an exciting life)
Nah. I'm 100% straight and I have always found vaginas boring as well, unless I'm penetrating them. Fingering them has always been a waste of time in my eyes. I don't like giving oral as well, to me the vagina is a place I don't want to get too close with my face. Just personal taste and it has been like this long before I began watching porn.
Why? This is my personal taste and it has always been this way. I respect that others see it differently. No reason to abandon the web site...
Can I ask why you feel this way? It may help me to understand where my partner is coming from... Whilst I can sort of see why somebody might dislike vagina/penis, what I cannot understand is why you wouldn't want to pleasure your partner? There's nothing that makes me happier than seeing my partner enjoying himself! Also the Ted Bundy video, wow, that is absolutely terrifying. Truly it baffles me why more isn't being done about this.
Men who are addicted to porn get hooked on a false portrayal of femininity. They learn to think that the heavily made-up women who pretend to enjoy literally everything the man does-no matter how brutal, disgusting, or painful-are what they should want in sexual partner. I've been in a relationship with a porn addict before, and he didn't respond to real female pleasure. He only seemed to enjoy it when he could do something gross, extreme, or hurtful (that he admittedly saw in porn) and I would react to it-then he would interpret my reaction as pleasure whether I was in pain or not. He was so out of touch with me that he couldn't see my enjoyment, or pain. A lot of SO's on here have described similar behaviors from their addicted partners. It's often lonely and hurtful to be in a relationship with a PMO addict...My heart goes out to you. My ex also thought vulvas and vaginas were disgusting, and that doing anything for the sole purpose of pleasuring mine was a waste of time, a chore. To him, female genitals were of no interest unless they were pleasuring his. This is how selfish porn (often) makes people in bed. From what I know, most heterosexual men who are not in the grip of porn and masturbation thoroughly enjoy pleasuring their partner and they like the sight/taste/smell of vulvas and vaginas... But not all people like oral sex, or they prefer to keep the pleasuring stuck to intercourse. They might have health reasons, religious or spiritual reasons, or they just might not like putting such body parts in their face. There's nothing at all wrong with this...but your boyfriend not being interested in making you feel good-that sounds like a result of his addiction. It's not the way it's supposed to be.
