22 and trying to get out of the swamp

Hey everyone, I'm new here and thought I'd introduce myself and share my story

This is a new one in many ways. I've never been in any online forums ever. I've never told anyone (except a psychologist that didn't understand me) about my addiction. Also, I'm a highly sensitive person when it comes to interactions with people/new impressions/new things (hope you get what I mean) which means I am totally terrified right now (but in a positive way haha).

I think my story is very similar to many of the other stories I read here.
I have been doing PMO since I was 12/13 years old. That's 10 years of descent into darkness, wow. It started with such harmless things as a romantic scene in a book (I was a bookworm) or sex (which was shown for maybe one second) in a cartoon movie that triggered me. I started with M every evening. Even the education about sex at school triggered me. Then I searched on the Internet on the family computer. I began to find the websites where you can watch P for free. I was hooked instantly. The years passed, I got an own PC and I started watching more and more. The things became more extreme, but I almost never crossed some red lines which I drew for myself. I moved out three years ago and that's when it got completely out of control. I PMO'd multiple times a day and I began searching for stuff that shocked me when I thought about what I was doing.

I've been "blessed" with a lot of the terrible side effects of this addiction:
I withdrew from socializing with others, became more shy and got really bad at interacting with others. This resulted in a social anxiety which is affecting me a lot in the present. I was able to get rid of some aspects of it since I moved out, but not of all. I became a master in "making myself invisible" when it came to interaction with girls. I was a "nice guy", comforting everyone else, but never able to make any relationship. I never had a girlfriend, I never made out with anyone and heck, I never even kissed a female in my entire life.
Alongside with that I got more and more depressed. I stopped caring for any hobbies, I stopped caring for friends, I stopped caring for my future. I only did what had to be done and then collapsed in front of my computer escaping into video games and PMO.

The paradox thing is that the circumstances of my life have been so normal or even fortunate. I grew up in a middle-class family in a rich country. There's been no trauma or similar thing. I always had the best grades in school, I never had to worry about money or other stuff. I just went down a wrong path of which I thought wasn't that bad.

I discovered nofap two years ago and managed abstaining from PMO for 3 weeks. I was kind of proud, but after a very stressful situation I relapsed and was never able to get back. I thought stuff like "yeah, it's part of you" or "that's a curse you can never break, accept it" and went on.
A week ago I thought of nofap again. I stopped watching P and touching my little friend. Why were I able to start at that time? Honestly, I don't know where that energy came from. I'm tired of feeling like an exhausted bag of dirt and just want to turn my life around.
And boy was it difficult. So. many. urges. I've been able to maintain my discipline until today and I'm honestly a bit frightened that there will be more difficult days in the future which will maybe make me let my guard down :S
I'm a mess with so many different feelings inside right now, but I guess it's a good sign.


Sorry if this was too long, as I said no experience with stuff like this.
Also sorry if my english style is bad as it's not my first language.

Anyways, I look forward to reading/writing stuff here.
Cya

 

Thanks for welcoming me Yeah, my self-esteem is definitely something I want to work on and I think it will improve when I try to become the best I can

 

Thanks for the very kind words! Yes, I started one this evening