21 y/o, I don't want to be like this.

Hey there!

I have just yesterday learned about the NoFap community and was excited. I masturbated in the evening and one more time this morning. For the last time for 90 days; I hereby sign the challenge in hard mode.

What makes me do this? Most of the time lately, it's even hard to get a proper erection for me. I typically spend at least 1+ hours/day browsing porn and I feel like the person scrolling through all these images and videos is not myself. I'm ashamed of myself afterwards, the stuff I'm looking at to get aroused is some mostly weird kinky stuff that goes against the values of my other, "real" me. A comment I read yesterday did it for me: "What if your children can with some new technology can see you?" I don't want them to see me like this. I don't want anybody to see my like this. I don't want to see myself like this. I don't want to be like this.

I usually watch porn multiple times a day, but from time to time I have a period of 1, rarely 1 1/2 weeks of no PMO, because I'm really involved in and enthusiastic about something else going on in my life. I feel, I'm more open minded during this time, I can somehow see clearer. Of course, PMO is not the only reason that happens, but for some time now, I have believed stopping PMO makes me a better person, even if it's just for three days or so.
I grew up with PMO since I was 11, maybe 12 years old. There was one time when I was 18, when I joined an outdoor program for 90 days. I was so distracted and involved in the program (and well, porn was not an option in the woods), I didn't masturbate for about a month. I then had a wet dream and then continued to masturbate again. I din't know about things like the chaser effect back then.

Now, I do: I just read the Getting Started guide and have to say: I learned a lot and I feel inspired to start.
Yes, masturbating helps me a lot to cope with unwelcome emotions, to "level me out", but I believe there are other ways to do this. I spend days and days being lazy, not knowing what to do and just masturbating.
I want to start by saying: Thank you for this community, it makes it way easier to start. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.