20 yr old... Tired and worn out... Day 1 of NoFap

Welcome and good luck!

 

ickenMonster, post: 1845326, member: 290595"]Hello community of people who don’t touch their junk my name is SpaceChickenMonster or just “Space” for short. I am a dude and I have been addicted to masturbating 8 years, and haven’t missed a day, and I’ve been watching porn (more so actively searching for it, more on that later) for 6 years.

Without getting too graphic I’d like to tell about my first experience with masturbating and porn. One day when I was 12 I was watching Drake and Josh. Eventually a show called Victorious came on and I was too lazy to change the channel, and the show looked semi interesting, so I left it on. The episode I watched was one where all these people went to the beach. I saw Ariana Grande wearing revealing clothing with lots of her body exposed and she was adorable in that show and had a cute character. One thing led to another and I masturbated for the first time. I didn’t really know what I did but it felt so good. After that moment I kept getting off without knowing what it was, and I mostly used my memory to recall episodes with Ariana Grande in it. Eventually some time passes (around 2 years later), and I learned “oh that’s called masturbating and it’s really fun.” When I figured it out, I would seek out and watch interviews of Ariana Grande or whomever and get off to them. That’s kind of when I consider my “porn” addiction started. But like any addiction I started looking for more. Interviews didn’t do it for me, I had to find provacative pics of girls. Then pics didn’t do it I had to find compilations of girls dancing. Then dancing compilations didn’t do it I had to watch twerking videos. I think you can see where this is going, but I didn’t at the time. I thought I was the exception and would never be addicted to porn and/or watch it. I thought I never would watch actual porn, because at the time it repulsed me. Fast forward some more, and no longer twerking videos got me off I had to watch more material. Eventually I went to an actual porn site and started watching actual porn, and as of recently I still have been. Though I didn’t really start watching hardcore material until I was 16, I still consider my porn addiction to start at 14 because that’s when I sought out videos to pleasure myself to.

When I was 12 I wasn’t going through much so masturbating didn’t effect me, it felt like. But when I turned 14 my parents took me out of regular school(a school where I go and people are there), to being homeschooled. I also just had a brother at the time, and had to take care of him a lot, which I hated to do. When I was 14 I was awkward and never really had much going on in my life socially, and never had much to do. So when I left school, no one even talked to me after I left, so I felt like I had no friends. I missed regular school so much even then. To make matters worse, when I was 15 I thought it would be a good idea to pretend like I have lots of mental disabilities, such as depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, and schizophrenia. I’ve had suicide attempts, fake anxiety attacks, and many more stupid pretending attention seeking things. Oh boy was I a cringe inducing idiot from ages 14-18. When I was 17 I actually got fired from my first job, I got fired for drinking on the job. So I’ve never been the crunchiest chip in the bag about life. Also during that time span I masturbated 4 times a day at the very least. It made me so empty and I never had any motivation to do anything. I never did anything more than watch YouTube videos or watch porn videos. Well I did try to do music, but that’s about it.

Porn and masturbating have also effected my dating/love life. I still to this day have not had my first kiss, neither have I ever been on a date. For every number of posts on this entire site, I have that amount of stories of how I have been rejected, dismissed, and ignored by girls. This ate me up inside when I was 14 and didn’t really stop effecting me till recently. As of now, not because of porn, but because of being rejected so much, girls aren’t my main priority anymore. I still want my first girlfriend, my first kiss, and to go on dates, but now I am more focused on other stuff. One girl that rejected me hard was when I was 16. One day when I was 16, I started praying for a girlfriend (sorry for getting religious and cringy... Man that was so embarrassing to type out). I went to sleep that night and had a dream about a girl. I felt like that was God saying “This girl is your future girlfriend.” A couple of months pass and I never saw her so I felt like God lied to me. Some more time passes and I got into an internship and saw this girl there. So I was super excited I felt like God actually kept his promise to me. Long long long... Story short, I never asked her out or told her how I feel and she had feelings for another guy. The reason I am sharing this is because I was 17 when this happened, which is when I got fired from my first job. I actually started having a drinking problem because of what happened with that girl. If you want to hear more about this story you can PM or something. I’d actually love to talk about it with anyone, but it’s just way too long to post on here. This ate me up in the inside and tourtured me for a long time. It caused my porn habits to go into overdrive and all I ever felt was pain and emptiness.

Sorry for the long stories, but for those who care, it explains a lot about me and what porn did to me. Porn has made me impulsive about things and made me not think anything through cause I didn’t care to. It’s taken away my dating life and my motivation. It’s caused me not to want to do anything.

I have been trying to do NoFap since the beginning of last year. So around January 2018, I found this community and decided to go on my own. My longest streak I have ever went was 14 days. But as of recently I have been barely able to make it to 12 hrs without porn or masturbating. Some personal events have gotten to me as of recently, for example that girl that I had a dream about then actually met, she just got married. And I’ve been watching actual porn non stop for the past week. I want to quit porn so I can focus more on myself and not feel so empty on the inside. I want to do more with my life than just sit in front of a screen and watch YouTube and the occional porn video.

My goal is to get to a 90 days with no PMO. My full goal is to never PMO again but, 90 days is a nice bite sized goal I can work on. I want to do music and I want to have good friends in real life. I also would like to have a place on the internet where I can talk to people, and they are on the same page as me with NoFap n stuff. Cause the internet is super pro porn. So I’ve reached out here. To both say “hi” and tell a little about myself, and hopefully to meet some awesome people that I can talk with.[/QUOTE]

 

Hey bud how are you doing on your journey???

 

Hi Space,
My name is Bob I chose Ed Hooper as a pun, I am an artist and so was Edward Hopper as you probably know, ED is something I deal with, one of the many things that porn has taken from me as well as ( self worth, motivation and joy) to name but a few have seemed to have gone down the hopper. I admit it is a very bad pun, but I am lousy at up user names and for some unknown reason Bob was taken. "Wow" talk about long introductions and you say you like to talk. I am brand new and have never posted on this site before so please forgive me of my general ignorance especially when it comes to acronyms. What do you mean when you said: "If you want to hear more about this story you can PM or something." I would like to hear your story, for I too drank to kill the pain only to heap more upon more. I think it takes a lot of guts to open up and talk the way you have. At least you were looking at a beautiful girl when you first started to masturbate. Back when I was a kid you had privet sownas that had 2 rooms one for changing. My father was seldom around and when he was and if he wanted to take me with him I would of gone to watch pigs get slaughtered, just to be with him. So one day he thought it be a great idea to go to a sowna and take his 12 year old son with him, great I thought little knowing what I was in for, it like saying "hay son want to come with Dad and visit the heat from hell and sweat your ass off ?" So I went and was the first to get undressed and ran into that wooden oven, thinking it would be "great" I nearly fell over when the heat hit me but worst of all I got an immediate boner. It was bad enough that my Dad saw that I was starting to grow hair, there was no way I was going to let him see I had rod on that I thought was going to explode, I ran to the top bench and sort of doubled over and tried to look like I was have the time of my life sitting on the top bench that was about 250 degrees hotter than on the bottom bench were my father was sitting. The thing is about my dad was I could of had my head missing and he wouldn't of noticed until he handed me my hat. But I sat there for what seem hours trying not to pass out as I was being roasted concealing the swelling in my lions that was about to burst and I had no idea what to do except to pray my father would have enough and leave to have a smoke an hope a cold shower would soften petrified wood. Finally Dad had his fill and said "well son I can see your enjoying yourself I'll leave you to it" and left. I think I sort of melted down to the bottom and turned on the cold shower and found relief from the heat but not for my painful extension. I grabbed the soap they had their, it mine as well of been hydrochloric acid because once it hit my poor stiff member it was now not only painfully throbbing but on fire as well! I began to rinse off the soap like I never rinsed before. Something started to happen, my heart started to pound I thought I was going to faint, my knees buckled, I had to stop or I was going to have a heart attack I couldn't stop I didn't want to stop what a way to die! Then BANG it was over, my boner was gone, what the the hell was that I thought? It's not pee but I didn't care the pain was gone and I never felt so fantastic, I walked out to were my dad had changed, looking glazed eyes and dazed. "You look like you really enjoyed yourself" my father said. "I never had a better time in my life!" I said. All the way home in the car I kept wondering if I could do again. I COULD! And did over and over again, I think I use to have a foreskin. It took two year for me to find out it had name " jerking off" and I thought I had invented it. It has taken many more years to find out the devastating effect it would have on my life especially when I got .high speed internet porn. I thank Jesus that I didn't grow up with it, it has drained my soul destroyed my marriage made me loose my career and one of my daughter hasn't spoken to me in over a year. I do not have as much ambition as you, I am not trying to stay porn free for 90 days only for today and for that matter I just want to stay away from that first dirty picture or video. It worked for me to stay sober, that and being able to communicate with guys like you, it really helps. So if you have been patient enough to get this far in my tirade I am grateful you have been an encouragement to me and I hope I can be one to you and that we can continue to do so. And you thought you were long winded.
Bob