My compulsive relationship with porn started when I was about 9 years old, finding an old Playboy in a friend's barn while my Dad was helping with cattle. After that I exerted a lot of effort to see anything remotely arousing. I always felt kind of funny about it, but never enough to stop looking at/for it. I started fapping when I was 11 simply because it felt good, I never learned about PMO until it was too late to stop myself on my own. The shame attached to it all when I was taught about it kept me from confiding in anyone for years except for the couple of times I got caught, shamed, depressed and right back to it. Going through teenage years and such, it became a self-medication for self-esteem issues that never got any better. Dating and female relationships weren't even an option in my mind; I felt like I should fix myself completely on my own before even trying. There have been only two periods of time when I've any measurable success against these habits. One of them was two years I spent as a missionary, when porn wasn't even accessible. The focus on others inherent in missionary work also helped, but when things got tough, I found some private time and screwed things up again. The second period of time is the past two years, I had a streak for about three months when I was doing really well, and in that three months I met my now fiance. I told her early in our relationship about my troubles, but she didn't run away like I expected. She has been my single biggest supporter and believes in me even when I don't. We've been sexually involved off and on for a year and a half, we try to keep in reasonable control of ourselves until we get married, but sometimes, that just hasn't worked. Although we both believe in the value of waiting until marriage, considering where I've been; the intimacy, connection, and tenderness that comes through making love has been like the noon sun compared to the flickering screen in a dark room. Even so, I still struggle with old habits. Begin in school takes a drastic tool on my mental state. I hate being indoors and sitting around all day long studying and doing homework. It gets me depressed and then I self-medicate when I'm alone. I heard about this community a while back, but just finally looked into it yesterday, I'm looking forward to getting and giving support with others going through with similar struggles. Thanks for reading, and if you have any questions please ask, I'm not gonna hide any of it anymore!
