10 years addicted to P and M. I am serious to start my journey now

Hi if you read this post I hope you understand what I am going through. It is the addiction to P and M. If you don’t know what that means you can search for the definition on NoFap. Yes I was addicted so bad my life was a mess because of this.

It started when I was 12 years old. It all started by peeking and ended up in fap. I was beginning to understand about the internet and its nature and that provocative ads appeared on the website I was visiting. It was about anime adult game or something like that. I was curious but I didn’t open it. I felt my body was excited after seeing those pictures. But I didn’t watch it yet. Then as the time went by I became very curious about those pictures…half naked and provocative women anime characters I saw… I know that seeing those kinds of things were forbidden. I knew that but at that day I was under a lot of stress somehow. So I thought seeing those pictures could at least calmed me down so yeah… I clicked that link and baaam …. it was not totally naked but it was women cartoon wearing very extremely provocative clothes in provocative position. My heart beated so fast as I clicked those pictures.

Then I fapped to them for the first time… It was like I was very high or something… from that time I kept searching for those pictures and things escalated to darker and darker stuff. from pictures I went to videos and to real women P and then to some weird arse stuff. Then I fapped everyday and I never stopped doing that. I thought fapping was fun and it made me the king of my world for the high I received.

Little did I know that I made myself a monster…I destroyed my brain little by little. Then everything went dark. Somehow I became irritated so very quickly and I isolated myself. People started to see me as a weird arse guy but at that time I didn’t mind. I became depressed easily for no apparent reason. Foolishly I used P as escapism and everytime my life was bad I fapped and fapped everyday for about 8 years. Then my face became ugly. My hair fell out for no reason and I almost look bald, My height was stuck and now my young brother is taller than me. I had social anxiety and I use P to cope . This is a vicious cycle…. I was too depressed and tired to find out the root cause of my bad life. I never thought that FAP and P were the sole reason of my bad life.

One day I was curious and I typed the keyword “How to quit P” on search engine other than google and baam I found this NoFap forum. Then I realized what I did wrong all these years. I was so ignorance to realize that Fapping and P were the culprits. so I tried to quit watching P.

It was very hard. I kept failing over and over again. I never reached 90 days and somehow I gave up doing this nofap thing. My brain wanted me to keep watching porn so I did. I fapped like a maniac for the next 3 years. I know I was foolishly stupid.

I couldn’t remember the last time I was happy and enjoying life except when I was before 12 years old and it was before the internet came into my life. Now after thousands of failed attempts to reclaim my life for this addiction I now decided to start quit this bullshit. I read an ebook with the title “Why You Should Never Masturbate” and it was my wake up call. Now I realize everything I experienced in my life from depression, not being able to stand up for myself, acnes, anxiety etc were caused by excessive fap.

That’s why yesterday I made this blog in order to journaling my progress in becoming a better man. I wish I never watched P at all. It was lustful and destroyed my life. There was cost I must pay everytime I fapped and it destroyed my life. So now I am going to be free!

Because this is extremely hard I know that I cant do it alone. I also installed parental control on my phone and PC and let my brother have the password because this addiction can take over my logic. I don’t want to bypass my own parental block so I made it harder for myself to bypass it.

I know that I need more than staying clean. I need to do something for myself. Something that can make me grow into a better person so I will write what I try to do in this blog for everyone to see and I hope everyone who also struggles like me can get help. You are not alone. Yes I mean you who read this text. I believe we can be free and we can go back to who we were … our normal self.

The journey has begun

 

Very good read. I can identity with a lot of what you said, good luck in your journey.

 

Thanks. Actually I knew this nofap stuff since 2014 but I never gave it serious thought. It is terrifying how this addiction can make you think that this addiction is normal and lure you into more fapping.
The effects of PMO are real. It made me depressed and anxious and antisocial. that's why I cannot let this happen anymore.

 

Addiction usually leads to death, in this case it's probably no different. There is something to be said for being in control of your life and not the other way around, mind you relapses happen but the just prevail. With me I literally have to speak to my probelm in an audible voice for it to move out of my life. I just do not care anymore if people think I'm crazy, I want results.

 

Heyyy welcome to the NoFap forum : ) It's nice to see you here fighting the good fight alongside us!

Here is just some advice:

First and foremost please take a look at each section in the forum, there might be something(s) you may find of big help to you. Feel free to post there :+)

Then secondly I just strongly advise you to be active on your profile(as there quite a few active people in the profile section). Please start by choosing an avatar and then make daily status posts to show you're active and needing support/encouragement. They've also got a neat little feature that shows freshly posted statuses for all users to see. People will find your profile and give you encouragement/support.

People (are beginning to) love communicating in the profilesection..(it should be and is )mostly spportive talk but it doesn't hurt to deviate from supportive talk. It would be great to have you join in and support others in the threads, profiles, and journal. Make sure and be grateful for the help you received and help after receiving some. Invest in some people's journeys. We could always use your help and in return you shall receive some as well!

Make sure and be grateful for the help you received and help after receiving some. Invest in some people's journeys.

Thirdly, You should also highly consider creating a public journal and write about your days in more depth for us members to follow along your journey and offer support to you by way of posting in your journal.

Last but not least: Good luck on your journey here, make sure to really give it a try with all your heart!

 

Hi @DavidHoover, all the best to you! If you want to join 'The Matrix' challenge click here> 'The Matrix'