1.5 years into a relationship, but not committed

I love my girlfriend so much, however, I am not physically attracted to her like I am to other girls. I think Pornography has ruined my standards and expectations of women, but also I do believe I can have a more attractive girlfriend. She has even tried to convince me to agree that I am better looking than her, but I would never admit that as it would be harmful. It's not that she is ugly, she has abs, is into health and fitness like me, and she has a great face too, but not as great compared to me or other women. She also doesn't dress in a way that I'm attracted to either.

I met her in the last week of my one-year solo backpacking trip overseas in Thailand. We met at a party hostel at 7 am at the rooftop gym. However, neither of us partied or drank, smoke, ect. I am now 4 years into recovery from all that, and she just doesn't like that lifestyle. We found that we had the same diet too. We immediately felt this connection and were very open and transparent with each other. I told her my story of being in recovery and now being where I'm at which really inspired her. However, we do have many life differences. I dropped out of high school thanks to my addictions and worked in construction hopelessly going nowhere in life. She, on the other hand, had a master's degree, has created her own successful travel blogging business 9 years ago, and is very self-driven. I was 27 and she was 29. Now I am 29 and she almost 31. We have a beautiful love story of how we met.

So I got her a rose for Valentine's day, the day after I met her and a few days later I was back home in the states. We stayed in touch for 7 months video chatting every day and eventually she came to visit me in the US from her home country, Poland. In between that time, having this long-distance relationship motivated me to enroll in community college and become a recovery coach. Life was great as I anticipated her arrival, I did many highly achievable things that I would have never done before. I did 90 days no PMO before she arrived and then 14 months no PM while we were together.

But when she arrived I noticed that I didn't like her fashion style. Also, we had planned to go on runs, but when we actually went running, she kept giving up within just a couple of minutes. One of the main reasons why she eats so clean is because she has health complications. Evolutionarily speaking, we don't match when it comes to physical health. When we had sex I noticed she had abnormally large thighs compared to the rest of her well-defined body. She also had saggy boobs as well. I would never say this to her, but she has brought it up multiple times and has a negative self-image. This also makes it difficult to have sex as she has a very low libido and doesn't care for it that much. She mostly loves to work on her business and set goals for herself ect. So in a sense, I felt like I was tricked because long distance is not a true representation of the relationship. Nevertheless, we continued the relationship and even ended up on the Caribbean coast of Mexico for 5 months during covid while I continued to go to school. It was fun, but we argued sometimes which made me feel like this wasn't going to work out for me at times, but then we forgave each other. When the opportunity arose, we decided it would be best to go back to our home countries during covid which was in late August.

Since then, I have become depressed, unmotivated, and unconsciously fading the relationship. I held onto the negative moments during our time in Mexico and last week brought them up to her. She was shocked that I had such a negative view and wanted to break up for good because she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has this unstable view of the relationship. We talked it out and I told her maybe I just need to work on my negative perceptions. I feel like such a shallow person for not being honest with her from the beginning. She loves, cares, and supports me so much and has already accepted me for who I am and is willing to do whatever it takes to hold our relationship together. I've never had this kind of relationship before and it scares me. I'm afraid of letting her go as this is the best woman in my life, but I'm also afraid to stay as I could miss out on other opportunities. We are back in a long-distance relationship and don't know when we are going to see each other again. The earliest may be in March, which she is totally fine with, but hard for me.

What prompted me to write this thread was because of yesterday, I met and had a short conversation with a woman who was extremely beautiful. Later that evening I almost fapped just thinking about her but didn't want to get into that cycle again. I know that would to ultimately prevent me from pursuing beautiful women when I get into the habit of resorting to fapping when I get home after seeing them. And this is what I feel like I am missing out on, being in a relationship with someone who has matching physical features. This is hard because I love my girlfriend so much, we talk every day, have a lot of intimacy and investment in our relationship. Which I'm so grateful for because it's not like I have anyone else like her to talk to anyways. So it seems like it would be illogical to end a great relationship when I have nothing else going for me. But every time I see a beautiful woman, this is how I feel, I could be in a relationship with someone who I physically match and which I am more attracted to. But why keep building a relationship when I know that I long for something else.

My girlfriend is actually working on her negative self-image, she has found the cause of her abnormally large thighs and working with a doctor to fix it. She even wants to get plastic surgery on her boobs. She never use to have low libido either and she is working on solving this too. But even after all that, her face still doesn't match mine, it's not bad at all, but it just doesn't match and I feel like I could do better, especially when I lock eyes with other women.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.