A year of an addict.

2016 - 2017

A year of ups and downs. Mostly the downs. In this text I will take you through my struggles and accomplishments. And how my life is effected by porn, masturbation and orgasm.



New Year's Eve
I was already 5 days clean and ready to be clean for a whole year. This was my objective.
During the celebration I didn't drink any alcohol, had a great night with friends and ready to go for it.

January
I managed to make the month without any pmo. I started to gamble, wy did I do this? Cause there was nothing that made me motivated, I was feeling depressed.
I was in a flatline.
I wanted to learn for my exams, but there was nothing of motivation in me. I had no discipline, the only thing I had discipline in was nofap.

February
During this month I met a woman. We had some dates and we had sex. She wanted a relationship, I did not. During this time I was gambling, playing games, netflix binging. All kinds of addictive behaviour just to compensate the lack of dopamine I got from pmo. A week after the sex, I got unbearable withdrawels. I felt 3 straight days as there was nothing in me. Totally depressed for no particular reason. Again flatline.

I made the decision to relapse, just to feel better. I relapsed and I didn't watch porn. I was ok.

Things I learnt during this time:
- Nofap increases selfconfidence, sleep, muscle growth,...

March
I started the first week with a few days masturbating without porn. But I couldn't binge, so this was good. But after two weeks I started to watch porn again and yeah.. binging till I felt suicidal. This was a month of binging and telling myself to never pmo again and relapsing...

April
This month was the same as march. Feeling desperate and can't find a way to stop relapsing.

May
This month I met a girl. Who I loved. We kissed, I tried my best to stop with pmoing. But I couldn't, wich made my confidence deminish. I wasn't happy with myself. We had sex the first time, it was oke. But I expected better. I tried again to do nofap. But it didn't work.
Than this happened: The second time I couldn't get erected.

It was a shameful moment. A week later we seperated.

My addictive behaviour and low selfconfidence is keeping me from having a relationship.
(I was a good guy, but always running from confrontation or anger).

June
After this moment I was very motivated to do nofap. I had a strategy where I go outside everyday to focus on nofap and talk myself out of relapsing. I went for 12 days and relapsed because of the stress. But hey! I had a way to overcome this addiction.
Ofcours after this streak of 12 days I binged the month away...

July
This was a very low moment. I wasn't doing anything with my life. I was trying to do nofap but I didn't want to put much effort in and I kept relapsing. I binged so hard I even got erectile disfunction while masturbating...
So I was like this is enough!!!!!!! And I went outside every single day, to focus on nofap.
It was hard, I experienced a lot of emotions s.a. regret, anger, sadness,..
It was working, my method was working.


August
Man, it was difficult the discipline I put on for nofap. But I was slowly changing, I was a major flatlines, but I didn't gave in. The month went by and it was much better as the last months.

September
I was Improving. but the withdrawels, sometimes I had no desire to do things. Even study, I failed my exams. I thought nofap would make me motivated, it was, I was motivated, but I had no desire to do things. Very weird to explain.
I still needed every day to talk about my withdrawels.

October
Nofap was getting much easier, I had some good days followed up by bad days, but I was improving. I didn't go outside everyday anymore, cause I thought I had everything under control..
For the first time in ages I felt fine with myself, I even loved myself. I was a happy person.
I still had sad days, but they were bearable.

I met a girl and we had sex. Everything worked fine! I had no chaser effect like with pmo. The next days were good. SO I THOUGHT I WAS CURED!

And then... major withdrawels, something I've never experienced. I wanted to throw up, It felt like I was dead. I experienced depression for no reason. I tried to go outside, but it didn't help.

So.. I thought maybe if I masturbate without porn would be oke. I masturbated and I felt so motivated! I had so many energy. I did it twice and went to sleep. I felt a bit regret but I was ok.
The next day I watched porn, I let my guard down... And what happened? BInge, binge, binge.. Back to where I started.


November - December.
Suicidal, not getting back on track, regrets, not feeling myself in my own body. No control. Awful, started to gamble, play games...


Analytics:
Days I masturbated: 120/365
Times I masturbated: at least 500 times.
-> binging.


Things I learned:
It's all about the dopamine.
I have a method to have my life under control. I can't stop when things are going good. NoFap is for life and not just for a few days.

Life on nofap is difficult but much better as when pmo.


I start my life again. Today, December 27th of December.
Going outside everyday.

 

Amazing that you keep going. Question for you, whats makes you go back to all the other addiction, gambling etc. Why do you need the stimulation? Keep it up brother!

Thomas

 

If I relapse on pmo. It feels like I let my guard down, so I just do all my other addictions. It's like whatever, I failed..

 

Thanks friend! I finally found out what works best for me.(SA meetings).
Good for you that you quit the devil of porn Let's keep it that way