Hi, I'm Chris, 22, African American. Love writing, drawing, reading, Hip-Hop. And I'm addicted to PMO. I've been using porn since I was 9 or ten, it's hard to remember. I've been addicted since I was 11-13. Back then, I didn't even realize what was going on inside my head. I lost my mother when I was an infant, and my father wasn't in my life. As a kid, I always had issues with socializing, with abandonment and rejection. I was overweight, too, so that only made me more antisocial and fearful of other people's opinions. Porn was a great way for me to escape all that. I first masturbated when I was five, and just remember that long moment of nothing. No fear, no anxiety, no dread. I was hooked, and I have been since then. At first I stole my big brother's porn magazines, then I would sneak onto my sister's computer to watch pornographic videos or to read erotic stories or look at over-sexualized artwork. I would watch pornography for hours on end, with dozens of tabs up. And afterward I would feel like a zombie. I'd eat-making my weight problems worse-and fall asleep, or indulge all over again in a vicious cycle. My addiction to porn made me feel like a freak-the creepy kid who was too pathetic to have a girlfriend. As such I spent most of my childhood hiding away-I barely attended school and would stay home, escaping into video games or books. As I got older, my addiction deepened and I realized what was going on. How depressed I would be after PMO, and how energized I got if I stopped even for a couple days. I tried to stop, and always failed, diving back into my addiction. Eventually, managed to get a G.E.D., and a job, and even a girlfriend. I started to lose weight, and got in shape...but all the while, under the surface, my addiction was still there. I discovered camsites. I could pay for attention and stimulation, and somehow that investment only increased the narcotic nature of it all. To date, I've spent at least $2-3,000 on the habit. I was so addicted to pornography and cam sites that sex with my girlfriend was almost completely dull for me. I would fantasize about it, but the actual encounter never lived up to what was going on in my head. I would often sleep with her, not orgasm, and then PMO when she had fallen asleep. I was so distant that we broke up. I want to stop because I'm tired, and afraid. My mother died from breast cancer-she was a heavy smoker and it killed her. My father, and both my uncles are alcoholics who's addiction has kept them from ever succeeding in life. Lately I've been spiraling downward-watching more and more extreme pornagraphy, to the point where when I'm 'Sober' the thoughts of what I've PMO'd to disgust and disturb me. I have two young nephews and I'm terrified to be around them because I feel like the filth in my head might somehow infect them, make them into freaks like me. It's terrifying and I don't want my life to be ruled by addiction, I don't want to settle for a bleak existence because I wasn't strong enough to overcome my own desires for instant gratification. I have goals. I want to become physically fit. I want to become a talented artist and writer, and to craft stories that will help other people who feel like I feel, to help overweight kids like I was avoid the same mistakes I made. But I know that I can't with this addiction inside me like a virus. I want to be free for the first time in my life. I want my life to be a blank canvas, unstained by this addiction plaguing me. Every time I've tried I've failed and relapsed and hated myself for it. I was beginning to feel like I would never overcome this, like I would live and die and addict and never break free. But I've found this place and I'm hopeful that I can finally start the journey towards Rebooting. I've read the Porn Addiction 101 and the Rebooting page, and after I post this I'm going to go look for an Accountability Partner. I...don't want this to sound like a cheesy movie. I'm afraid and pessimistic and I feel like I'm going to fail and relapse and binge the second I try to change. So I won't say something dramatic about never PMO'ing again, I'll just promise to try.
Hello buddy, I read your story and all I can say is: shit, that sucks, that truly sucks man. But just remember that you're strong, you can overcome any obstacle in your life if you really want to, that is the trick, to really want. If you're with a flaccid attitud like, I'll try. You'll end up relapsing over and over again, this is not a thing to "practise" and relapse and relapse again in order to master the "art of nopmoing" this is about doing it or not. I used to be in that state of being just trying, I was not truly commited, until one day I said: fuck it, what the hell am I doing. I will do it, and that is the end. Say to yourself, this is the last fucking day of my life I'll PMO and feel guilty, I'm going to be the person I want to be. The tougher the obstacles the more rewarding they will be and the stronger psychologically and emotionally you'll be, and in this case physically too. You can do it man, make the difference.
Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you. What you shared... thank you. It is difficult to talk about those things that are personal to us so I want to thank you for allowing us to come in. You are greater than your past actions but your past actions define where you are currently. Please know that you can get beyond where you are but it may take some time and some sacrifices. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
Thank you for that advice and motivation, I will commit fully to this. I appreciate you reaching out, and would like to keep in touch via this site if you don't mind. Props on your 40 days. What's it like?
Thank you for that motivation. What I am doing currently is reading over the various resources on this site and the reddit page in order to better understand the process of resisting and rebooting, and trying to apply said information. I've tried to identify my triggers before, as well as perceiving and handling the urges that will come. I was randomly looking around and saw a section about the various stages of Nofap, the first of which the page identified as the dilettante stage, which is certainly where I am at. So that said I am looking towards positive ways to resist and overcome my urges to relapse. One way that has always worked for me is reading, so long as the book is not overly erotic. I've always loved to read and a few moments reading normally turns into hours, and my urges are forgotten. Exercise is another and though I'm eager to get started back working out I am taking my time as the Nofap 101 page cautioned against taking on too many new habits at once. Video games are another defuser, one I enjoy that does not have a negative effect on my life. And the third is this place. Just talking with other like minded people and studying the wealth of information on this vital topic has helped me start to plan and gain confidence in my ability to overcome this addiction; I've been able to look at it more like an actual tangible issue that can be solved, as opposed to like a demon or defect living inside me.
Take your time and form a plan. Check out In Case You Didn't Know for strategies and tips to help you along your journey.
Welcome to the NoFap community. Here are some strategies that may be helpful: Get an accountability partner here. Start a journal here, select your age group and Post New Thread. It's important to replace the bad habit of PMO with a good habit. Some suggestions: Read articles in a field you are interested in. Learn time management. Learn about self confidence and motivation. Take online courses. Learn about self confidence and motivation. Read a self help book. Go out and socialize. It's also important to be strong physically: Eat well. Drink about 2 liters of water per day. Exercise for 30 minutes each day. Get at least 6-7 hours of sleep. Many have found meditation to be helpful--it can take the place of PMO time and help your physical, psychological and spiritual health. Start with 5 minutes, gradually increase to 20 minutes, once or better twice a day
