how male human beings should be

From now on this will be my journal. I am on day 65 of NoFap. Feel a lot of energy and motivation. I have little to no brain fog during this pasts days. I´ve noticed something. Whenever I get aroused and if it last a long time I won´t feel my head heavy anymore. Before my head would start hurting and I would have a headache and brain fog. Lately it´s not happening so much and I need much less estimilus to get aroused. I don´t need a lot of dopamine to get excited. It´s really working. There is this nice girl that´s into me. On the other hand there is this other girl that i really want. I´ve never been able to talk to her but I am working on it. The only problem is that I am affraid my penis won´t work. But I don´t know. I´ve never tested it during this time but everything seems to works fine.

 

Stopped counting the days. I´ll to this day by day. It´s a lifestyle now. Yesterday I got sick and didn´t feel any urges. Today I am feeling good. I´ve been controling my temptations very well and I feel motivated to keep doing it. I am in tune with my friends now and more social. They kept calling me out to play soccer and hang out. I´ve been doing this everyday so is way more easy to not think about PMO. Even when I stay home and feel the urges I don´t give in. I don´t have a special tecnic or something like that. I just don´t do it. I´ve lost to much of myself already. I used to think that I was this great person with a bright future ahead and lost a lot of that. Start feeling that there were no hope for me anymore. I don´t want that anymore. Period. I laugh at simple things now. My presence is noticeble because I say what I feel like saying and I don´t care what people think of my opinions. And it works. People are more drawn to me now. But I still care about what people thing of my behavior in general and my image. I am a good looking guy but it´s something I have because I used to think that i wasn´t good looking. I am working on that by doing nofap because I am looking for myself. Taking care of me, eating healthier, connecting with people, enjoying being on my own skin. Feeling good today.

 

tks for your suport

 

Today I felt a lot of urges. PMO didn´t even cross my mind. The idea of fapping is more distante then ever. And yet I watch my back so I don´t get stabbed. Went to play with my friends and won today. Cool. now i am going out with them because it´s a friend´s birthday. But today I have a lot of anxiety, it got better after playing but i feel pretty anxious still.
I had to call this girl I am really into to hang out with us but I didn´t. I can´t. Still to attached to the idea of rejection. I am working on that but seeing little improvement. but still it is something. Before the idea of calling her would not even cross my mind. I haven´t talked to her for years so i don´t know what to expect. she might be at the place where i´ll be haging out because the birthday guy called her sister out. I guess that´s the main reason I am so anxious today. Right now I am having dinner and i can not even eat. hahahaha. sucks to be like this. this anxiety is screwing with my life so bad. I feel so tired of fighting against and addiction, anxiety and a lot of other issues. i keep doing it day by day in hope that i´ll be better the next day. if not. the day after. i´ll change. I have to. Fuck it´s my life. I want it back.
Going out now. We´ll see what happens.

 

Got home just a few minutes back. the girl i talked about wasn´t there. my friends got super high to the point of not being able to stand. the night wasn´t so great. i want something meaningful. i want to be with people that have a good talk, that like having fun and enjoying the night, not people that kill a night drinking their asses off. I want distance from objectifying women (something they do all the time, like their masculinity depended on it), from meaningless conversations. I am done. I know the problem is me. I am the one going out with them. but it´s something i must do. i don´t have any other friends. so it´s a means to an end. i am trying to meet new people and maybe i´ll find some people worth knowing. i´ll do it again anda again. even if i get frustrated in the process. but i´ll eventually meet nice people. feeling bad tonight. i´ll sleep now and tomorrow i´ll be better.

 

Today is another day. Feeling good. Feeling motivated. Feeling energized. Feeling confidente. No anxiety either. Today I am trying to avoid non productive actions. avoiding things like sleeping during the day, searching online for things that doesn´t matter. I am trying to change those habits for more meaningful actions like reading, fixing things I should had fixed a long time ago. I pretende on keep this mindset from now on. in terms of other aspects of my reboot... I don´t have much to say. I am less depressed. have fewer mood swings, more confident and happier being myself. The only thing that´s on my mind are my morning woods. They were back on the 3 weak of my reboot and were rock hard but lately they don´t show up as much as before nor even as hard. maybe like 80% full erection. But everything seems to work fine. My libido is kinda low during these days besides the other day that i had strong urges. I guess urges don´t always mean high libido. i´ve noticed that when my libido is genuine my genitals are super sensitive. on the other hand sometimes i get strong erections and have strong urges but my penis doesn´t feel that sensitive. I guess I am starting to diferenciate them. Also I have no brain fog today and for the last few days. I guess i had a lot to say lol. Geting better every day.

 

tks for your support. But there is more to morning woods. You are right about what you said but besides that, morning woods are a way to keep our penis healthy. We need daily erections for the tissues get filled with blood. if we don´t have daily erections the penis loses elasticity and may shrink.

 

Today was another normal day. except the fact that i got hit on my balls really hard with a ball while playing soccer. Hurt like hell. I am a little worried because I lost a bit of sensitivity after the hit. Tried to see if things were working fine while I was in the shower. tried to get and erection and a got one. and didn´t achieve a full erection because that wasn´t the point. Just did to the point of giving myself a bit of relieve to see that things are working just by having a semi hard one. feel like flatline down there right now...hahaha. I´ll wait a few days to see if things are perfectly normal.

 

OMG!! All of a sudden I started feeling strong urges. I keep thinking of Porn. My mind is trying to trick me into watching it to test if things are functioning. I don´t remember feeling like this during this time of no PMO. there was one or two days that I wanted to but nothing compared to today.
hahahaha. I´ll laught at you, brain. You know why? there is no why you´ll get your fix. no way. *** you. I am the one in charge. I do whatver I want and I said I won´t watch porn ever. So ***you. *** your tricks. There is a world out there and I want to see it. And I ***ing will.

 

My brain is super active today. Dopamine is all over it. I am trying to focus on my reading but it´s hard. i am managing to keep on track. I keep getting erections from thinking of this girl I am into. Is not even sexual thoughts. everytime she pops into my head my penis stops being lazy and decides that it is time to do some exercises. No way. you have to wait until i say so.

 

the urges from today are not from this world. nothing makes them go away. I even had a cold shower and it stay hard. the only thing that keeps me from faping is my strength of will. now I see how strong I am and i didn´t even know it

 

Tks. You are totally right. I was thinking the same think "maybe it was because of the other day in the shower". today I have a little of brain fog. this addiction is hard to beat.

 

Woke up feeling better. No urges until now. Besides the brain fog, I feel better. Yesterday night I was so horny that I start talking to this girl. I was trying to have sex with her and I would have done it if I didn´t gain control of myself. Why did I stop? Because, deep down, I knew it wasn´t genuine. I mean I just wanted to have sex with her to have my relieve. In other words I was objectifying her. So I stopped and said to myself tomorrow you´ll be thinking better and see if you really wanted that girl or it was a selfish atempt to reproduce the porn you so much enjoyed. And I was right. Today when I woke up I realized that i was right. It was my other self talking. I don´t like that girl, I don´t enjoy being or talking to her and we don´t match. So you can see that it was stupid of me and I was doing something awful. And I am glad I did stop.
When I think of it is like two completely diferente people. When my porn pathways fire up (now I realise that it was the porn pathways) is like I became this animal uncapable of human connection, selfish and without reason. My only goal is my sexual satisfaction using others no matter how they might feel about it. The true sign of how my brain is screwed up.
My other self, like I am now, loves connection, loves women, have feelings, is selfless when he needs to be, is social, is talkative, enjoys the simple things, is focused, is humble, is human.
I am happy, you know why? because my human brain keeps beating my hollow brain. And i´ll keep beating it until it sees that it doesn´t stand a chance.
I thought I stopped objectifying women. Now I realised that doing NoFap I created another of myself, another that is struggling to come to the surface, to live. A human self. The one I want for me. The one I want to become.
As I write this, my brain fog vanishes...

 

Awkward. That´s how I felt the other day. I went out with some friends and I felt awkward around them. I had brain fog and my head was hurting. The urges during that day were too strong and of course the brain fog was back for the day. I was feeling off talking to them, I felt uncomfortable and I was feeling threatened. I think it´s a defense mecamism that anxious and anti social have. Trying to ignore it. it was hard to do it because i had dopamine all over my brain during the entire day.
Today i have no brain fog but I am still having a lot of urges. they are manageble and i am more focused. I am trying to accept my urges and it´s working. After a while they are gone.
Another day, another fight that i´ll win...

 

I want to find a nice women. But that´s not the major point. At least I try to convince myself that it´s not. I know the way I am now a relationship wouldn´t go far because I would probably be needy. So I am working on myself, working out, reading, going out, looking for a job, learning to accept myself as I am, building up confidence, improving my social skills, paying atention to the world around me, figuring out the diference between what I need and what I want, caring, learning my boundries, what values I want for me that I won´t accept no one the step over, learning what makes me be me. Even though I really want to find a this women, I must work on myself and maybe she´ll show herself along the way.

 

These urges are like women. The more you work on yourself and try to ignore them the more they come around. Having a lot latelly. I stopped counting and it helps because what matters is the day I am in. Easier to resist that way. I don´t know exactly where I am now but I have an idea and I also know when I started nofap. AUGUST 8TH, 2016. NOVEMBER, 8TH, 2016 I´ll be on the 90 days mark. Even though it´s for life, is something that motivates me and makes me proud. I don´t think about it daily but ,I´ll definitely remember when the day comes.
Now that I think about it I am not feeling anxious around people lately even though I feel self conscious at times. Improvement. That´s all I see. Even when the bad days are here by my side, I know they won´t be for long, because I´ve decided that only good comes into my life and stay.
When I think about it, things got really better. I go out, I read, can´t stand staying at home, push myself to go after what i want.
Three girls, literally, showed interest in me during this time and lots of eye contact happened. The three girls situation didn´t happened for a long time. I can´t even remember the last time. The eye contact part, I have to admit that I didn´t do it before so for sure I am more aware of my suroundings and now I see people looking at me. Bad or good it doesn´t matter. To be loved we have to be hated. So rejection is the main reason for me. Learning to accept it will improve every aspect of my life. For me life is about learning how to accept rejection, laugh about it and move on.
For me, Life is about rejection.
Relationships, success, intimacy, confidence, self improvement, loyalty, commitment, boundaries, connection, LOVE...all that this world has to offer can be conquered only when I MASTER REJECTION.
THAT´S MY LIFE´S PRIMAL GOAL.

TO BE CONTINUED...