This time around, I know, without a shadow of a doubt that I'm serious about cultivating Nofap into my life forever. Over the passed two months of abstaining, I've been recalling a few of the craziest shit I used to do to get a feel on or one off. I can recall throughout high school and minimal college coming straight home and fapping til my family got home. My computer desktop was always of a naked woman, or a body part of hers. I had folder collections of pictures and videos abundantly. In 2014 I started buying my porn and found great pleasure in that. On my off days from work, like it was a ritual, I'd smoke as many blunts as I felt like and would spend the next countless hours fapping to my newfound websites. My body and mind grew accustom to smoking or being high while fapping so I would go above and beyond to do just that. I would smoke and fap in my basement or attic at night. Whenever my family was home and I wanted to do my sexual ritual, I would find ways to fap outside without being seen. Fifteen minutes from my house is a lake with deep woods and bushes, so I would go hide within the bushes, find a suitable and somewhat comfortable area to do my business at. It would be me, weed, liquor and porn secluded in the bushes. I dipped and dabbed with ecstasy pills as well, all for the love of my porn addiction. Whenever I had the house to myself I'd blast the porn sounds loud enough that it probably could be heard outside. Before I end this release, I wanna share with everyone an idea I had in my fapping days that fortunately didn't come to fruition. When I filed my taxes this year, I originally had a plan to rent out a hotel for two or three days, buy a laptop and go on an pornography adventure by myself within the compounds of that room. I would have had all the weed I could buy, liquor and as many Molly's as I could get my hands on. It's sickening to recall all that I've done in the past as a result of my addiction. Thats why, I don't blame myself for peeking and looking at porn throughout these passed two months. Shit, having the willpower to keep my hand off my dick is progress in and of itself. I decided to commit to hard mode at the beginning of September. I'd love to hear some of your porn horror stories out there, thanks for reading, peace.
Wow, I can relate to your story a lot. I definetly mixed the weed and alcohol with porn. Luckily, I've kicked my weed and alcohol addiction and now I'm here kicking the porn addiction. As for porn horror stories, I have a few: - when I was about 14, me and my friends got our hands on an old VHS porn video. We decided one day when my parents were gone to watch it. We ended up secluding ourselves to seperately corners of the room and fapped while watching it. One friend was in the closet. I was on my bed. And another in the corner. Looking back, it's so embarrassing that I fapped with a bunch of dudes in the same room. I was super addicted even back then. - my other experience has been one that's all too familiar here on NoFap. I've watched categories of porn that I'm ashamed of. I've watched gay porn but I'm not gay. In fact I tried to watch as recently as 2 weeks ago but I had a hard time orgasming to it. In the past I've watched beastiality porn. I admittedly have watched a lot of violent or rough porn that's degrading to women. I've seen transgendered person porn. I've even sought out underage teen porn (this was when I was 17) but I never actually found any. All of this I'm very ashamed of. Definitely a horror story although I know that, that behavior is not me, it's the addiction. By coming on NoFap we can overcome this addiction and never have to relive those horror stories.
Thanks for your story man, looking back it's so embarrassing to realize all we've done during the addiction period. Which is why we must fight to end this shit once and for all!! I still have more horror stories lol
man...I can definitely relate to your entire experience...I got into porn around 11 or 12 (maybe younger even) and I remember the days when my parents got me my own computer to put in my room, it was heaven, I finally had my own sanctuary to explore my body, I remember I had countless images, videos, and websites that I would visit constantly..it really was a ritual for me as well...I remember any time I heard the garage door open I would sneak over to my bedroom window to watch my parents leave the house and my heart would race with excitement knowing that I would be able to turn the volume up as high as I could, rearrange the computer screen, and watch as much as I could...I remember when my drug addiction spiraled out of control (lot of alcohol, meth, heroin, MDMA, etc) I would sit in my room for DAYS (mostly 3 days at a time, not sleeping nor eating) and just masturbate, so much so that I would get welts on my penis and cause pain in my wrist, but I would still masturbate despite the pain, I even got into watching all sorts of fetish porn and even bestiality, and it created such a sickening isolation in my personal life...I'm just coming back from a relapse so I'm still feeling the "urges" so I'm trying to connect and relate with all of you in the community because I just don't want to live with this anymore
Insane, man. That's the effect this addiction has on people, I'm started to think this shit is a physiological disease, it's computer borne. You're coming fresh off of a relapse? Read reports on this website whenever you get an urge, I guarantee it should make you rethink. We must reclaim our manhood!!!
I definitely can relate . I'm 25 now and started around the same time you did. I remember watching my desires and curiosity grow . I went from straight porn to transgendered person and transwoman porn by the time I was 16. But yet I still didn't realize the change that was taking place inside of me. I ended up quitting porn for a couple of years from 16 to 18, due to getting caught. It left me very embarrassed . So I starting to hit the weights more and even had a gf for a short period of time. Life was actually going really good for me at the time. Do bad I was oblivious to the fact it had been because I stopped pmo. Flash Forwarded a little bit. I joined the military and became a marine. So excited to travel. I ended up in Okinawa Japan.we tried a long distance relationship but failed. After that I got really down. And started drinking more. I would go out in town only to pick a fight or pick up a girl. But my head was so messed up . I was extremely shallow towards women. Never listened and I always had some alcohol around because I thought it helped me deal with them a little better and I that I wouldn't be so anxious. Well around that same time I started dabbling in pmo again. I went straight to the extreme stuff. Ive even met a few people on CL to hook up. Flashforward another 3 years I get kicked out with a BCD and back at my father's house . Which didn't last very long due to my drinking. Which lead to my first DUI . "In his car"! Thank God they didn't impound it. The officer was nice enough to have a friend come pick it up.wheew! Got kicked out. Lived in my car for about a year. Worked odd jobs here and there was still drinking heavily and also started using meth a little bit." Worst choice ever"!! It brought my pmo back x10 the whole being in a room or bathroom for 2 days was and is me. One thing I realized about my self is that I've gotten to the point to were I don't even think about pmo at all unless I'm was high. The shame guilt and loneliness I feel all the time .and I hate it I long to connect with Someone. All the time. I want to be sober again and full of that natural youthful high I used to once have. I may sound corny but I need someone to talk to something! I don't care what state your in. I seriously need Help. !! Today is my day one of PMO and one day u would like to be free of this captivity and Bondage
I first looked at porn in a rubbish pile at a tip when I was about 10 years old. It was something very strange and exciting and I knew it was wrong. Even so I remember going to a friends place when I was 12 and watched a porn movie. I loved watching it. At first I was really interested in straight porn and eventually it progressed into gay porn. Gay porn eventually was the only porn I watched. Now I am over 130 days free of PMO and I really happy about that. I have no big urges going back to porn.
Wow....porn sure has many horrible effects on the mind and I thought i was the only one. I was super addicted to gay porn. Had a gay image on laptop. When i went to a relative's place, i saw gay porn on their computer and was glad wasn't caught. I once had porn history on my laptop which i couldn't remove for the life of me. No internet history removing options worked. It seemed to have stuck or something. It was good that the laptop eventually crashed before someone asked to use it. I would watch porn at office at the cabin that i'd share with three others. I'm glad no one caught me watching porn. Looking back i see how much time and energy i wasted watching porn.
This is a real porn horror story (WARNING SOME REALLY GRAPHIC STUFF): I remember masturbating for the first time in December 2013 to pics of girls on Facebook, (really hate myself for doing that) and then from January 2014 to September 1st 2016, I really struggled with PMO. Through that time period I masturbated to scat porn once and my aunt once (not attracted to her, not a pervert, don't understand why I did it), (REALLY HATE MYSELF FOR THOSE TWO THINGS, SCARRED ME EMOTIONALLY, UP TO THIS DAY), masturbated to ugly, fat, disgusting amateur sex vids from India and disgusting fat black women, amateur arabian women, felt disgusted after every time I did that, don't even know why I was attracted to those videos. With all of that never pmo'd to gay or transgendered person porn or even beastiality (I know, hard to believe), was tempted to look up transgendered person porn though, but never did. Thank God I saw the danger of PMO and have decided to quit forever in order to have a happy, successful, long life.
Watched all kinds of weird porn as most people here did. The lowest point was were I pmo'd orgasmed, and hold the sperm in my penis. Let it sink back in for a few minutes just to restart. I just wanted more and more dopamine. This led to pied. Now 96 days clean everything fixed, so happy.
I used to be a compulsive downloader, nearly every night I would browse certain categories and download each one I looked at then watch it from start to finish just edging all the way through, I would normally download about 5 30minute videos and just edge and watch, then I would find the video I want to finish off with or go back to one of my favourite videos to finish off. There was a time when I had a hidden folder on my phone that I set a password to protect it and it was literally full of P. My entire internal memory and external memory was used up on just P. It must've been GB's of videos a week, no seriously. And it was a case of out with the old in with the new. There wasn't a single video I hadn't seen during my most addicted phase. On the side of all this I used to browse through pages of pages of P websites and hundreds of images a night. During the day I would always find myself searching some P related stuff and making a cryptic or mental note for myself to look it up later. It was crazy looking back how much hours every night I spent watching P instead of sleeping... I used to be PMOing from 11pm-3am most nights and sometimes until 5am. Since starting NoFap though I've drastically changed. I deleted all the P I had saved on every device and storage device, and began abstaining from P. Going from every night of every day to suddenly stopping was damn near impossible at first...but now 8 months on I can go without P much easier now and when I do MO it's only once and then I'm back to abstaining. I've been so addicted that it's not simply a 90 day reboot for me. 13 years of every day of every year can't be undone by just 90 days.
Great thread. I got so bad a few years ago that I was literally watching P all day at work and trying to cam/chat all through the day. I have my own office, but people occasionally come in so I had to hide the webcam. I was in constant anxiety of getting caught. I wouldn't MO until the very end of the day. I would wait until everyone was gone, lock the building and then MO. One day I didn't realize someone was still in their office a few doors down. Luckily I had just finished my deed and before he walked by my office. You'd think that scare would have woke me up that I had a serious problem. Nope. Not until months after that when I started suffering migraines and panic attacks from all the anxiety did I begin to understand the need for complete change.
One type of porn horror story: All the (countless times) porn acted as “women repellent” and by this I mean all the times I PMO’d and women picked up on something weird and rejected me specifically because of this. Now they didn’t know it was because of porn, but I did. When I’ve been clean for longer periods of time, women would not reject me in the same way they did. After I’ve been like 45-60 days clean, I noticed women would be way more attracted to me. And if they did reject me, they were much nicer about it, sometimes apologetic, they treated me with more respect and were much more flirtatious in general. It took me many years to figure this out.
I feel like this thread needs to be revived... It opened my eyes to the deeper parts of this addiction & holy hell....it can get deep.
I can relate to this. I have seen everything there is to porn (transwoman, BDSM, Orgasm Torture etc) I could not stop watching. I am working now my 10th year. I work hard as a dog. I was thinking about doing sessions like these but I could not quite force myself to this. (go on holiday and PMO all the time) Reason: I always knew it is wrong on some fundamental level. // I used to believe till recently that I am a piece of junk. Because my ex GF told me so some time ago. It can be linked to your self esteem. In my case I was trying to quiet the daily experienced pain. But if you sit down, and look at your life: 1. You have a saving system in place. 2. You have investing system in place. 3. You are key player in your team in the company. 4. You use Get Things Done. 5. You have a plan to lose your weight. 6. You have a plan to become the best you can be. You can be your best. Most likely there are just several things you need to change. NoFap is good because stuff gets more intense. I was trying it some 3 years ago and after 40 days in hard mode, I have quit my job because I just could not take all that bullshit and manipulation.
I can relate to many of the horror stories above and it's horrifying in itself that porn can send perfectly normal people down the slippery slope of such taboos. But it's positive that so many of us have identified there is a problem and sought to do something about it.
Well, Porn is something that can really ruin your psychology. As you can see my counter below, It's been almost 7 months M free. Unfortunately today I urged to see porn so I did, I dont know how but I managed to stop myself from masturbating and breaking my good streak of 7 months, but now I am feeling really bad and angry after watching porn realizing that me opening those websites supported their business, supported illegal activities. I am really not feeling good after those moments of pleasurable experience of watching porn. It ruined my day. I am feeling the same way I used to did when I was addicted to porn. I am amazed what porn can do to your life, few videos destroyed my day. Anyways, I am happy that I kept myself away from masturbation this time as well
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