My boyfriend of two years finally admitted last week that he has a porn addiction, and suggested I put a porn blocker app on his phone. Porn has been a HUGE issue for us over the last year. Its the only thing we fight about. It nearly tore us apart in February. He swore it was his testosterone and not his porn habits. His testosterone was low, however, he has been on shots every other week for six months now, and I feel its just fueling the fire with his porn habits (as hes watching more now then he did back then). We don't have sex any more often then before he started shots, and he still has trouble finishing when are intimate. So him FINALLY seeing that it is from porn was huge for me..... Well now he is masturbating just as much as he was before but to anything sexy he can find on youtube, facebook, and google (that isnt full nudity since the app wont allow it). My question is....am I right to feel that this is just as bad as watching porn? Its happening daily. Thoughts? I'm ready to throw in the towel here. Clearly he doesn't want to change and I cant make him. Its such a mind fuck for me and I just cant do it anymore
I saw your post in the 'newbie' section and responded to your first response. I'll expand on the specific question you asked here... I gave you the definition of addiction in the other post: addiction is the altering, medicating, soothing, numbing, or escaping of negative emotions. An addict may be using porn as a stimulant up when feeling depressed.... as entertainment to the bored mind... as an anxiety reducer... as an escape from negative thoughts and feelings... as a reward for a hard day or a good day at work. An addict will use whatever material he can get his eyes on to replicate that feeling... it can be pictures, videos, stories, or games. Addicts can even use non-porn material as mental/sexual fuel. Addicts have conditioned their brains to be in a heightened state of stimulation all the time. Once they come down from their 'high' then they can feel extremely uncomfortable and irritable. PMO becomes their only emotional crutch to deal with life's problems. They are stunted and don't learn to deal with their problems in healthier ways. He may believe that he is de-escalating by not watching porn, but he needs to go through a complete detox from porn in order for his brain to return to a normal, calm state. But what do you do if the person doesn't want to change? I'll repost what I told another person recently... "Have you seen those shows where a family will stage an intervention to save a drug addict or alcoholic? Do you see how they have surrounded themselves with twisted thinking? It's impractical to stage an intervention with a porn addict... and often they will do everything to shut out the one person who is brave enough to say something. Addicts will deflect, shut down, blame others, make promises, and manipulate the person speaking up. Sometimes speaking lovingly and reasonably works... but an addict will make promises in the moment and betray them when the emotional discomfort returns. The only way to get through the delusional thinking is to create a scenario where the pain of continuing the addiction is worse than the pain he is trying to medicate. You need to create a rock-bottom moment for him. You have needs and expectations for your relationship. Be specific in what you need and expect from him. Let him know the consequences. And be prepared to go through with it. He may test your resolve, say you're being unreasonable, or he may try to call your bluff. Relationships with a stubborn addicts are a dead end road... you may need to think seriously about staying in a relationship with a person who does not want to change. An addict is a black hole of despair and unhappiness surrounded by delusion and manipulation. You can't love the addiction out of him. This problem will not resolve on its own and will escalate EVEN further! You need to decide how much are you willing to invest in person who has a problem that will never get better unless he wants to change." I'm sorry that there is no magic thing to do or say to wake him up. At some point you are going to have to think about your mental health and sanity. I hope I've been able to give you some ideas that might be useful.
It's called a P sub. (porn substitute) I'm so sorry you are in this situation but glad you found nofap. I'll add you to our private group for SOs.
The short answer is yes. If he's wanking to it, it's porn. If he's aroused by it, it's porn. And it's just as bad.
And another thing that I would like to add. He's not just watching YouTube videos an addict always finds a different way to look at something for instance he can even get porn from an Xbox phone tablet pretty much anything you can think of just an insight. He probably just said YouTube videos and pictures because he was embarrassed to say the whole thing
Just as everyone else stated above, anything that arouses you when addicted to porn, is a porn substitute. As far as the testosterone injections, he probably has low testosterone because he has been draining his body by PMO and that's probably why is levels are low. If he commits to NoFap, his testosterone may get back to normal. I've read alot about it as my SO thought he had the same problem before he admitted to his addiction. What I read after his admission was that excessive PMO can deplete the body of testosterone. I think he should stop getting those shots, commits to NoFap and then get tested again after an honest reboot and he may see a difference and not need to get shots. Just a suggestion.
We dont have any tablets or an xbox. He just has his iphone, no computer either. I saw because on the porn block app it shows me what websites he goes to and what he looked up.
That is very interesting. I suggested bringing up his porn habits with his doctor but he downright refused, saying he doesnt want to talk about it and doesnt need help. And that I am the only person hes talked so much with about porn. It destroyed his last relationship as well. I'll have to look up PMO and testosterone. I genuinely feel its making him hornier, just not for me and fueling the fire
And adding to it, one should not forget that if one tries to diverge from its own path, which we usually do by first watching P subs and then further our needs exaggerate to watch P, is a cause of addiction. And this will certainly lead to relapse which again lead you here,falling and crippling. So @MsPants has,of course, correctly mentioned which I'd read but forgot that the testosterone level falls down in one's body which affect a persons body to a much extent. I suffered through it and i know how ashamed I feel being in front of girls, relative and friends.
CaliGirl, your SO needs to acknowledge the issue first. And then he can decide what is needed. Advice is cheap and I'd say SO needs a hard mode reboot if he can acknowledge the addiction, and the harmful impacts on self and others. Good luck. WJ
