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Is this one step too far?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PromisesPromises, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. Jul 26, 2016 #1
    PromisesPromises

    PromisesPromises Fapstronaut

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    I am in a marriage with a SO who is addicted to porn. We have been through fits and starts and relapses and have tried all sorts to help. My SO found this website after the last relapse and has said that he will use it to try and help him through his addiction. On his advice I too have sought help here and I have found wonderful support that has really helped. My SO posted something 2 weeks ago after the relapse and after some discussion posted again asking for help as he's been having a lot of thoughts about porn. I think it was difficult to engage with the site again, admitting that there was a problem again. The problem is that he's not received any replies. I wanted to reach out to the amazing people here in this forum who have helped me to ask them to help my SO. I worry that if he doesn't have engagement that he'll not bother with the forum and at the moment it is my only hope. But is this one step too far? Am I holding his hand too much? Am I pushing what should be a natural process that he is in charge of? Your thoughts as ever are appreciated . . . .
     
    PromisesPromises, Jul 26, 2016
    PromisesPromises, Jul 26, 2016
    #1
  2. Jul 26, 2016 #2
    ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

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    First, I invited you to the private group for SOs.

    Secondly, I can understand how that would be upsetting. People are pretty supportive but sometimes posts fall through the cracks. I don't know if it crosses a line for sure, I guess it wouldn't be for me.

    Can you link to his post here? It's pretty easy to do if you're at a computer but it can be done on a phone too.

    Thirdly, I would encourage him to start a journal. My husband has done this and even when nobody replies it helps him process his thoughts. Although a few have replied. And I've done the same in the women's section.
     
    ILoathePwife, Jul 26, 2016
    ILoathePwife, Jul 26, 2016
    #2
    MsPants likes this.
  3. Jul 26, 2016 #3
    ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

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    One question. Is he still MO and fantasizing? My husband quit porn 7 years ago but due to MO and F, he was basically a "dry drunk." What helped us a lot was doing hard mode, karezza and FANOS. See links in my signature.
     
    ILoathePwife, Jul 26, 2016
    ILoathePwife, Jul 26, 2016
    #3
  4. Jul 26, 2016 #4
    i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    As mentioned before.... could you provide his username or a link to where he posted. Some folders get a lot of attention and others get very little traffic. I've noticed that the site has less traffic on the weekends so his post might have gotten overlooked.

    Opening up and talking about an addiction is very difficult for the addict. We have been used to hiding for years... or decades. Addicts have issues with trusting others. So opening up to a bunch of strangers on the internet can be terrifying. Also, new members might not know the etiquette of posting on a forum... they might not know how much or what things to post. An addict just starting recovery might not have the self-awareness to even know what to write about.

    It must have been very discouraging for him to not get any replies. Addicts can feel very alone and isolated. And having no one reply can feel like no one cares about him and can just reinforce all kinds of negative perceptions about himself. I personally will make it a point to engage him.

    And you have not gone one step too far. Sounds like he's willing to give it a try and you're asking the community to help out. So far he hasn't found the support he needs. Can you imagine someone going to an AA meeting and no one says hi? That person would never want to go back because they don't feel welcomed. I think WE let him down. Let us know where to find him and we'll reach out.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1, Jul 26, 2016
    i_wanna_get_better1, Jul 26, 2016
    #4
    ILoathePwife, WifeInTheDark and MsPants like this.
  5. Jul 26, 2016 #5
    PromisesPromises

    PromisesPromises Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much - I think this is what I'm afraid of for him - like starting a new school and no one talking to you so you just stay silent from here on in. I think I can post a link

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/pervasive-thoughts.72181/

    If not - it is a post called pervasive thoughts in the rebooting forum. I just want to help him get started - I think that will be the hardest think for him. Thank you so much for agreeing to help - he has started having more thoughts again -this time sooner after a relapse than usual - I think is problem is deeper than he has admitted to me and unfortunately I think a part of him still sees it as enjoyable and not doing any harm - after all everyone does it don't they? I don't blame him for this feelings but want to help - our marriage will only withstand so much and I need him to want to change, I love hi and don't want to lose him but this is a hard line for me and he has always know this. I thank you again.
     
    PromisesPromises, Jul 26, 2016
    PromisesPromises, Jul 26, 2016
    #5
    Beth and ILoathePwife like this.
  6. Jul 26, 2016 #6
    PromisesPromises

    PromisesPromises Fapstronaut

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    I think so - more than he admits to me I think. I will definitely check out the links and hopefully we can find something to help us together - I'm determined that we do this together and that he knows I am by his side so that he doesn't feel alone and allow himself to slowly destroy everything - I know he's unhappy at the ,kment and that's a dangerous place for him to be when it comes to allowing thoughts of P to enter his head. I will definitely take your advice and thank you for the invite to the private group - I think it will help too and I hope to be in a place to help others too.
     
    PromisesPromises, Jul 26, 2016
    PromisesPromises, Jul 26, 2016
    #6

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