I'm a gay man who spends a lot of time looking at porn. Usually there's much more looking than masturbating, but the looking can consume hours a day. I'm self-employed, & although I'm successful at what I do, work is very stressful for me, and I use browsing porn sites to avoid doing it; with no one supervising how I spend my days, my ever-increasing addiction to Internet porn is jeopardizing my professional life. And my personal life as well: I'm married to a man I've been with for 18 years, and we never have sex anymore. I'm into a specific kind of sexual activity - bondage - which my partner doesn't share. Viewing bondage porn makes me want to do it. So I seek out ways to engage in it. I feel quite bad about this. Ugh, what an introduction! I'm about to have a big birthday and I'm really dissatisfied with myself, disappointed in my failure to change with my behavior.
Hello and welcome It certainly sounds like you've come to the right place. You can get plenty of advice here on how to make a change, and the first crucial step in that journey is understanding that you have a problem and something is wrong. I suppose the next thing to decide is what kind of sexual relationship you really want. I'm not trying to stoke up trouble, but you need to ask yourself what would happen if you had successfully rebooted and beaten your addiction to porn. Would you be happy with a vanilla relationship with your bf or are you really looking for something else? If you are not sure, then a reboot may well help you find out. If you are ready to start a reboot, we can help with that.
Thanks for responding! It feels strange to be discussing this - apart from my shrink, I've never talked about it with anyone. I'm not entirely sure what you're asking in terms of my relationship He's not my bf; we're legally married, and I absolutely love him and want to stay married to him. I enjoy vanilla sex and I really miss having sex with him. I'm sure I would always miss kink if I gave it up, but I hope I'd miss it less as time progressed, and I think I'd be happier. I'm scared - actually scared - that if I try to give up porn and bondage sex - I'll basically be giving up being a sexual being. I feel sad about that prospect. But what I'm doing now is too costly on every front, and it eels like it's becoming dangerous.
Sorry about the 'bf' thing. It was lazy shorthand on my part and I hadn't read that part of your post properly. For many people the reboot process is about diverting your sexual energy away from exploitative porn and back towards what you really want to spend it on, so clearly in your case that is your partner. You won't stop being a sexual being but the process will take you out of your comfort zone.
Thanks again, it's kind of you to take this time. I just learned about NoFap in the NY Times article this morning. I don't know if I'm ready to try, but... I signed up. I'm still reading how this works. My comfort zone is sort of a garbage bin, so getting out of it seems appealing.
Now that I've managed to get my foot out of my mouth... My reasons for starting NoFap are very similar to yours. I am in a long term same sex relationship, with a strong bond and plenty of love, but dwindling sexual interest largely as a result of me increasingly needing to use P and P-related fantasies (kinky ones) to get excited. Wasting all my sexual energy on this and on chatting to other people online who spend all their time thinking about these things. Actually made some good friends doing this but it is not good for me. There are a few things you could start with. Perhaps you should take a deep breath and put an internet filter in place. See how you go without access to the stuff you want to stop looking at. Its a bit weird to start with but its also liberating. I have locked down internet access completely on my phone, for example. Obviously this stops the P business, but it also stops the random googling-of-everything behaviour which is so mentally draining. Been carrying books around with me instead, and actually reading them for a change! Are you going to get your partner on board with your reboot if you decide to quit? That can be a good thing. I haven't done this yet with my bf because he won't get it straight away .
I also joined today and found your post. Also a gay man in a 17+ year relationship that has become threatened/compromised by my addiction. Also self employed and beginning to see negative impact on business. Feel like if I don't immediately make changes, everything will implode.
Yeah... I too just saw it now in NY times on fb..Although i don't have that much of an addiction to porn, but I think it will become an addiction for me if i continue what I'm doing. I'm in single room in my hostel since a month and yeah, unsupervised like you. If i don't watch porn for a day, i start feeling like I'm missing something really important and i start doing it again.. So fucking depressed because of my lack of control on my life.. Feeling like a slave to my desires.. I read some forums where people post their kinda diaries on how they cope up with addiction every day.. Its really great.. Check it out.. I was feeling like watching porn just now and i completely forgot all about it after opening this site.. Lets win over o ur weaknesses together..!!
Your foot was never in your mouth! Is there an internet filter you recommend? I'm not particularly up on technical how-to things like this. I don't know if I can manage without a smartphone hooked into the Internet - interesting idea though, I'll think about it. Drawingadeepbreathand starting is I guess the way to start! For me it would mean getting rid of pics stored on flash drives, Getting rid of the Line 2 phone line I installed on my phone and iPad (for texting with guys on sites like recon), getting rid of toys, vibrators etc. It feels like a big step - one that I've taken several times before, only to replace everything once I relapsed. I can imagine it'd be good to include my husband in this but I don't intend to do this - at least not yet. I've kept my addiction a secret for years. Not ready to talk to him about it. Did you decide, when you started, to try for the whole 90 day reboot?
Hey Fennman - thanks for responding to my post. Have you decided what you'll do - if/when you'll start a reboot and for how long? The first step feels hard to take, for me at least. It feels like starting the clock, and I'm good at stalling clocks, or at any rate trying hard to stall them.
Hey ASN, thanks for asking, and no, have not decided. I see my therapist tomorrow and am going to tell him about this site, but I know I won't be porn surfing or MO tonight. My story feels too long and boring to try to write out here, but at some point it may do me good to try. Thanks again.
There's certainly power in communities & mutual support & exchange of information. So thanks for responding Aman! I too am intrigued by the journals. It's a lot of time to devote to this but ultimately probably less time than I spend hunt down images if what turns me on. A shrink I worked with called the obsessive porn seeking and gathering I get into "hunting" - and it certainly feels like that. Very hard to stop it once you're in the zone.
Welcome to all of you! The article sure seems to have brought in quite a few new people! For those of you who mention being in relationships, @Fennman and @ASN2016 and @xedger, I highly recommend FANOS. And if you haven't told your partner yet, please do! This addiction thrives in the dark. Drag it into the light, kicking and screaming! Also, SOs are welcome in our private group for SOs. So far we're all wives and GFs but all are welcome!
From what I've read (and you probably know this), but 'hunting' is as much a part of the acting out as the encounter and/or masturbation/orgasm.
Thanks. I can't imagine taking that step, but I know what you're saying is true. This is all about shame. A bitter dive.
My diagnosa ; 1. You just mild addict porn user 2. You problem lies on your patner who dont give you sexual pleasure anymore 3. You turn your frustation into seeking something, and bondage just fit your need My advice : 1.Time to go on counselling marriage to dicuss your problem 2.You should be open and honest about your need to your patner, so he can understand that he have some responsibility on this , rather you face all alone 3.Very Important and must be done, is today, go find your patner, clear you schedule, and go find good time together, starting from cooking, playing, visiting other place, even work together on charity act or perhaps help him on work, the problem is both of you seem have less quality time, and its not only affect your communication its also affect other area in life, such is trust for example Good luck in the progress ^^
In the zone.. So accurate.. Haha.. But seriously, discussing these issues on this site makes this addiction seem so useless. I always used to think porn helps me get rid of excess stress, clears my mind of sexual images helping me M and helps me concentrate on studies for the next 15 hours or so..but now i feel like all that time (around 1 hour every day) was so stupidly wasted by me... I'm not sure i'll start by 90 days challenge.. A week of abstinence might be good enough for me at present...
No, I'm sorry, this is not correct. This is the "diagnosis" of a possible addict in denial himself. What these men describe is not a mild P addiction. Anything that interferes with daily life, work, relationships, happiness, sex with another human being and more, is NOT healthy. It is NOT the fault of the partner. In most cases, PMO began before the relationship even began. Nothing the partner can do can fight against this addiction, until the addict realizes he or she needs help. No mortal can compete with porn. @ASN2016, was bondage something you have always been interested in? Or did it come up as you began to look at more and more extreme P? Because as people reboot, they can sometimes lose P induced fetishes or sexual interests. But even if you have always been interested in it and it never goes away, you can find many other benefits from rebooting.
A lot of people feel that way. From the view of a wife that was lied to for 5 years it's heartbreaking. I also know that this addiction thrives in the darkness, so confessing can help the addict. But I've come to realize I can't save every hurting and confused spouse. It won't save newlywed me from going through what she did. Best of luck to you.
"we never have sex anymore. I'm into a specific kind of sexual activity - bondage - which my partner doesn't share" Well seem his patner doest want to go into kinky stuff Like i said early if his patner satisfy him, he probably will not open porn or go to nofap at all. Added lot of misscommunication , there goes alice down into rabit hole
