is my husband being truthful?

Now I don't know your story. I don't know your husbands story. And I don't know either of you a bit.
That's the case for nearly everybody in here. If you don't know if he's lying, how should we?
I'm not taking sides, but if I was your husband and I did not lie to you, I would feel kinda betrayed if you asked other people if I was lying.
Again, I understand that you've lost the trust and are scared of finding out he did it once again.
I just think asking people on a forum whether he is lying or not doesn't do any good for either of you.

As far as general lust during reboot is concerned. Well... it's just very different from the times when you watched porn regularly. There's definitely a flatline. Also I get aroused kinda differently... Before, there was only one major factor: Whether there was porn (or a naked person) in front of me or not. The rest wasn't really that important. Now, different influences start to emerge: How do I feel emotionally (happy, lonely...)? How do I feel physically (energized, tired...)? What's on my mind (exciting things, worries)? Am I stressed? All of those things now have their say as their not being suppressed by porn any more. And we are actually quite complex, especially when it comes to love and sexuality. (Yes, men too!)

So, there might be a variety of reasons why he's not in the mood, the least likely one being that you are not arousing to him (from what you've written you actually seem quite attractive, so don't worry about that).
Besides, what's wrong with not being in the mood? It's quite normal. Give yourself and him some time.

I wish you both the best! Maybe you want to try some stuff @fupornwife has shared, it seems quite promising.

- StreetLight

 

Amen. Thank you.

 

Such good news! A life without PMO addiction will be great for both of you. So glad things are working in the direction of sobriety for him. Some of the comments on this thread was personally disturbing, some PMO addicts are real jackweeds and make the healing process harder, which sucks because this is already a really intense thing you as a couple, and he as a P addict, are dealing with. Good luck to you both.

 

Seriously, we already did this bullshit? No one cares dude.

 

Honey, don't let a few discourage you. There are some that commented that were very supportive and helpful and disagreed with those that were not supportive and not helpful. Their comments aren't about you, anyway, their comments are about them. I'm sorry it happened but don't let it discourage you from posting.

 

I get it. I spent some time crying to my husband tonight about how thier comments hurt me, and they weren't even talking to me. The thing is, when my husband had PIED (porn induced) I was a decade younger, hella flexible in bed and much skinnier. Now, I've gained weight, I'm turning 40 next month and I have a post baby body. And you know what? He can't get enough of me! (We're halfway through 90 days of hard mode together, but we're experimenting with karezza, sex without O. I recommend that couples don't even read about karezza until they have more time under their belts, if they are doing hard mode, at least.)

Going to the gym or other efforts to change physical appearance will NOT fix PMO addiction. And besides which, like you said, they have no idea what you look like! Those comments are out of line.

 

Recovery can take months and months and flatline can last very long too. Most man start to MO or PMO in puberty so you can be rest assured his problem is long standing but only recently grew to serious noticeable proportions. Recently can be anything from months to few years .... So recovery from PIED or going through the flat line can take 6 - 12 months at times. It all depends how young your husband started using. The younger he was the longer he will need to fix himself.

Also, when we are in the middle of addiction we get closed off. Many people were strugling to get throug to me at my worst. I would hide the extent of my problems and I was too ashamed to admit them to emyself yet along to others. Opening up on here was a life saver for me.
Often immediate family members are not the best line of people to confide in for the addict and your emotions and anger or what ever feelings you are feelining are not creating therapeutic safe place for him. Having complete strangers listening to us is often better. This eliminates any negative history from the picture or any negative long established paterns of interaction or fear of jugement or danger of loosing the significant other. This is why you husband need an independant party that is not you to confide in. NoFap or recovery nations are brilliant to provide that but a therapist would be of a huge benefit too as they can offer the right guidance.

You need to ease off. In life people tell us things when they are ready, we can not make them to tell us the truth. The more you press on him the more he is likely to lie to hide the fact that he is falling short. Do you know how difficult it is to admit we are falling short or seriously screwing up over and over openly to others??? Just go with what ever he is telling you but accept it may or may not be the truth.

Living with sombody who lies is hard. My ex Siko was compulsive lier and lies and broken promises hurt the most in all of this. You have every reason to be angry or suspicious or not trusting your husband. You are not expected to start trusting your husband again just like that and believe everything he says. He needs to rebuild that trust with time and broken things can never be the same as before. It is not uncommon for you to have doubts in your mind even years later.

But you need to also understand that addict lie to protect their self immage. Deelpy inside themselves they feel they are very wrong and have a huge problem but are not admiting it to themselves or others. Often it is too painful to realise and they feel very isolated believing they are the only ones screwed up or not even making the link between their PMO and other symptoms they are experiencing. If he is blaming you for his lack of interest in Sex u can rest asure he is not realising that it is his PMO that has caused all this. Realising he is not alone and having somone independed to tak to is of paramount inportace for your husband in the same way it is important for you. He needs to learn to be honest about his problem with himself and other people before he can learn to be honest with you as you are too close to him to safely become his safe practice ground for opening up about his darkest shit. Even admitting to you he is strugling might be too much for him. So he tells you he is doing fine.... You should get him onto nofap.

 

Has he logged on to this site at all?

 

This is just a general message on behalf of The Moderation Team. Denigrating remarks about the OP's appearance in relation to her husband's porn addiction are not welcome or appropriate here, especially given the context of the thread. Nofap is supposed to be a supportive forum where people of all demographics can come to receive helpful and constructive advice. Please let us maintain this positiveness. Therefore victim blaming will not be tolerated.

Additionally, when an OP starts a thread, that thread is considered to be the personal space of the OP. Please respect this space on behalf of the OP. Unhelpful and/or inappropriate remarks will (and have been) deleted.

@Sadness7, I hope this does not deter you from using this site as a valuable resource for support.

 

Well said Streetlight! Based on my own experience, I would agree with you. While acting out with p and m arousal was solely dependent on was I looking at porn or not. It got to the point for me that even if my wife was naked in front of me or was desiring sex that was less appealing than porn. I didn't have PIED and could get it up and would still have sex with my wife so it wasn't that I wasn't aroused by my wife or attracted to her. It was just that I had trained my brain that porn = a hyper state of sexual arousal. My brain become hardwired for porn to be the bigger arouser for me. That became the more desired thing. It was kind of tastes had changed. Sex with my wife was like vanilla ice-cream. It's ice-cream and who wouldn't want that, but my palette had changed to always wanting other flavors (using p and m instead). Now, with no p or m my world and my palette have completely changed and sex with my wife has become a rainbow of flavors. It's ice-cream, it's all the flavors, and it's awesome! P and m isn't ice-cream anymore it tastes like liver and onions. It's as appealing as licking an ash tray.

I also agree with StreetLight... that now my arousal isn't based on whether I am looking at p or not, it's about many different things. Before p was used to numb my painful or difficult emotions (fear, shame, loneliness, anger, self-doubt, etc.) now that I'm not numbing those I can feel those feelings and I can feel the good ones too (joy, happiness, lightness, etc.). Since I'm feeling all those other things though those affect my arousal too. If I'm tired, or stressed, or in a bad mood, etc. that now affects my arousal and I too agree that those are completely normal things to affect your being in the mood. To me, it feels like that is how it should be, not allowing porn to dictate your arousal.

Another thing I've observed is that arousal used to be more of a switch. See porn, switch flipped, instant arousal. Now, it's more a process. I heat up more slowly and gradually. This is actually more similar to my wife's arousal too. So, if we are in synch we both heat up slowly together. However, it's also possible that one is in the mood and the other isn't. It's now more of needing to work together, takes communication, etc. It's not a bad thing, just a different approach and way of getting there.

I too wish you the best and am sorry if you were feeling attacked in any way on here. We want good things for you both. May you find strength, healing and wholeness as an individual first but then also as a couple.

 

I've read some of your posts and I'm glad to see that things are improving for you.

I don't think it's a bad question. It's a valid concern, and you're looking for some insight from others in a similar situation. Your asked because your trust has been broken, and it will take time to rebuild.

I've read a good amount of your story and at the beginning of this thread I had plenty of suspicion that he was lying. If an addict doesn't want to change, they aren't going to, and I felt that he wasn't as invested in this process as you are. But I have hope for you in the future, especially since your comment about showing him some videos and yourbrainonporn. Reading that post seemed to me like he'd had his eyes opened to the reality of his situation and took it in more than he previously had. If he had been lying, I think that realization will help him move forward honestly.

 

I really like Accountable2You. It's not a blocker, just reporting. You've got to be ready for that step (i.e. not need a blocker to prevent you from looking) but that means that if nothing shows up in the reports it's because the person chose not to go to porn sites, not because they knew they couldn't get to porn sites. They know they can get caught, but then you also know you COULD get to the site if you tried. It wouldn't STOP you, so you could make a choice that doing the crime is worth doing the time, so to speak. Just chipping in $0.02.

I would have preferred if my wife had given me a list of ways I could demonstrate I was being truthful. I'd be ecstatic to know how to prove to her that the changes are real. I would not take it as an insult, or as distrust. I might have back then, but as of today I'd be ecstatic for the opportunity to show her that I'm doing this for real.