Hey guys! So this is all pretty new to me. I've never been on a forum and I'm not one to talk about about such personal things but here I am and I'm just gonna lay it all out there so please excuse the length I found this site by accident about a week ago while I was trying to get myself comfortable with my husbands porn habits. You see I had found his porn by accident and instead of confronting the problem head on I dove into the deep end. I checked his phone and our other devices driving my self crazy and eventually I realized I was being dishonest and my self esteem had never been so low. On top of my crazy, I lost someone very very close to me and my world was shook to its very core. I was grieving but I was still struggling with the porn my husband was watching. I stopped being a snoop because all it was doing was torturing me but the thoughts never left. I looked nothing like the girls he was looking at I couldn't wrap my head around the fact he could call me beautiful to my face but behind my back he was watching these girls who are much thinner and in my eyes prettier than me. It took a lot for me to say anything but I did. It didn't go over well and I don't blame him. I still feel so guilty about being a snoop, something I never thought I would or could be. I'm very blessed though because although he was hurt by my mistrust in him, he finally came to understand how upset it made me. We talked and we came up with a solution, he sat down and showed me some of the things he liked and the reason why. We discussed what we liked about each other and finally we came to a place where we had decided to try watching together. Perhaps this was what I needed to get comfortable with myself and his habit. But then after that initial talk it didn't really come up again so I began searching all the sites and names I remembered from being a snoop just to see if I could get it together myself. That did me no good... The self loathing became too much I was disgusted every time I ate and I wanted nothing to do with my friends or family. Then through my searching I came across a thread from this site. It was a journal of one guys process but what stuck out at me was not that he quit pmo but when he did he stopped having headaches, his social anxiety lifted, and his Ed wasn't a problem anymore. These are all issues my husband has been having on and off for years. Because of this guys journal I came to my husband with the idea to stop pmo. The first talk went well he was willing even though he didn't think he actually had a problem but because he loved me he would do it. Then he relapsed on day 2. We fought. He was not happy that we went from talking about watching porn together to taking away his pm. Again, I don't blame him but it was within that fight that he realized maybe he does have a problem otherwise why would he defend it so hard and bring up my faults that happened long ago. I'm very lucky though because even when it gets hard we always get thru it. So now we are both here and we are both restricting ourselves from pm but keeping the o. P's not hard for me of course but I do so miss the m. It's our journey though and I'm happy to take it with him.
Hi WeHaveAFuture! Welcome to NoFap! Glad you found this community. There are lots of great ladies here that are going through/have gone through exactly what you describe. I'm sure they'll post here soon. It's always great to know that you are not a lone. First, I'd like to remind you that you have no reason to feel guilty about your husband's porn habit. I'm not sure the thinking behind this feeling, but if you are think that it's you fault because you are not attractive enough... this is a complete lie. The women in porn are digitally and surgically enchanced. They are placed in super-eroticized environments. And if you get tired of them, you can simply search for another woman. All these cater to some ancient evolutionary drives within the brain that evolved to make sure we give our genes the widest possibility of survival as possible. This means a preference for mating with many different partners... a mechanism called the Coolidge Effect. Porn taps into this, making pornography a thousand times more alluring than real sex. The point is you cannot compete with the women in porn. You cannot compete not because you are not attractive enough, but because pornography is an unnatural, distorted form of sexuality. It creates an addiction, which your husband is likely to have. Second, I recommend being honest about your feelings. Your husband agreed to give a reboot a shot, but it sounds to me that he is a bit reluctant, or at least, his heart is not in it. You need to let him know exactly how you feel about his porn habit. The pain, the feelings of not being loved, not being attractive enough. The anger and betrayal. Your husband is likely to feel that there is nothing wrong with pornography; everybody does it, right? You need to let him know that his porn use has real life negative consequences, and that it is not okay. You don't need to yell, just be firm. He needs to know that you are not okay with it. I'm saying all this because you talked about agreeing to watching pornography together. I know in my own relationship I had a problem with porn when I was married, my wife knew about it and she said it was fine. Now I know she was lying to me, and to herself as well. She was not okay with it. It really bothered her. She wanted me to stop. But she couldn't rustle up enough courage to tell me how she really felt, so porn was constantly an irritant in our relationship. While it was not the main cause of our break up, it sure helped. So honesty is key. You need to let those emotions out and let your husband process them. He may not know to what extent he has hurt you. I wish you and your husband the best on both of your reboots!
Welcome to the forum. Often wives realize their husbands have a problem before the men do. Trying to wake them up often leads to an argument. The reason is that the addict does not want to wake up from his dream. An addict does not believe he has a problem or the problem is not as bad as you're making it out to be. Reasoning and talking logically does not work because he has an addict's mentality. They will do and say anything to hold on to the object of their addiction - lie, manipulation, compromise, blame, cry, deny, scream, minimize, etc. An addict feels safe and pain-free while engaging in his addiction. You took it away for 1 day and he relapsed... image taking it away for a lifetime and then you will understand why he reacts with fear and anger. Read more about an addict's reasoning here. A healthy couple may be able to introduce pornography into the bedroom to spice things up. A relationship with an addict cannot do this. There are too many peripheral emotions that will make the situation worse. It is a victory for him because he can continue to indulge in his addiction without consequences. It is a disappointment for you because no woman can compete with pornography... it's too perfect and unrealistic. You will resent the women in the videos, you will soon resent him for preferring them, you will resent the time you spend together watching those movies, and you will resent yourself for trying to live up to that expectation when no woman should be asked to live up to that as a 'standard'. An addict cannot connect with their wives emotionally in the moment because an addict has crazy, unrealistic emotions and feelings bouncing around inside his brain. An addict will soon expect every sexual encounter to be as exciting as the first time you try it out... and then he will be disappointed in a 'normal' setting which will make him crave the fantasy even more. An addict is looking to escalate, not return to a 'normal' setting. If you asked him to stop then that should be enough reason for him to stop. The fact that he cannot stop when asked shows how much he depends on it. A reaction that is out of proportion to the request shows an addict's thinking, not a loving husband's thinking. Recovery from addiction means more than abstaining, but changing the way an addict thinks, believes, and behaves. You did well expressing your feelings. He now needs to respect your feelings by stopping. Looks like you have set up some very fair ground rules - no P, no M, and only O with the wife. You might also add a very clear consequence for breaking that rule. A recovering addict needs to see a very clear line-in-the-sand that he cannot cross without consequences.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm the wife of a porn addict that has been trying to gain real control over porn for two decades. I hear your pain and I understand. Like the men said, above, you have no reason to feel guilty! (Not even about the "snooping." He was doing something that was harming your relationship. That is your business.) You did great to speak up. From what you say about your husband, it does sound like he has a real problem. This forum has been very helpful for me. Also, we partners of spouses with porn addictions formed a group, within NoFap, that is a place where we can feel totally free to speak openly. (Not that you can't here, but in my case my husband is also on the forum, sometimes it's nice to speak only to women or other partners, so far it's only women, that understand.) I will invite you to the group.
Thank you, I think that would do me good, that way I have our own place to speak freely. I really appreciate the support.
You are welcome! You've been invited, if you have any trouble figuring out how to access the group let us know! It's really nice to have this support and I'm glad you found NoFap.
I definitely have a hard time with confrontation so it was actually me who suggested to watch together thinking somehow I'd just get over my feelings. It never accrued to me that there was a real problem, that he could actually be an addict. He had some problems years ago and stopped cold turkey and it was actually me who allowed it back in the house because at that point we had a lot going on to say the least. So I thought as long as he was mindful we'd be ok. I never had too many feelings about porn either until recently. Maybe it was new medication or maybe not. Either way I felt it was within me. I felt like I was the one causing the conflict. I'm still working through that and realizing through you all and my husband that is not my problem it is his. He's fully accepted responsibility for his actions and the way they've made me feel. Although he's had 2 relapses one pm and one mo, we've come to a point where I feel like we can really communicate and there's no more judgement just us and our feelings. Do you have any suggestions for a consequence? I don't want him to feel bad because I understand the hardships and I want to be supportive throughout his journey.
I know you were replying to @i_wanna_get_better1 but I get all this too. I used to think porn was no problem, all consenting adults, right? I cringe to type that now, knowing what I know, but it's what I thought. As for you thinking it was your problem, as messed up as that is, I get that too. I went to years of therapy before I could say to myself, and actually believe it, this is not my fault and it is not my responsibility to fix it. I can be supportive, yes, but ultimately he has to want to heal. As for a consequence, my rules to my husband, after he finally told me, were: 1. You must be working toward recovery. If you choose to continue down this path, I can't walk beside you. 2. You must get counseling. 3. I understand this is an addiction, there may be relapses, but no more lies. (He kept it from me for 5 years of marriage. He had the addiction before we were married.) If you relapse, you must tell me. 4. If all these conditions are not met, I cannot stay married to you. Period. The thing I am doing right now, to support him, is that I'm doing the reboot with him. No intentional Os for either of us for 90 days. It can also be done where the partner of the addict is allowed MO and real sex is allowed, just no PMO for the addict. In our case, we decided going hard mode was worth the frustration of waiting to have sex and, learning what I have learned, I am glad we did. For us, even "making out like horney teenagers," as my husband puts it, was enough to give him nasty porn flashbacks, which was very upsetting for us both, and is a risk of relapse. Ultimately we feel like it's normal and a part of retraining his brain not to expect instant gratification Os. After sex, porn cravings and flashbacks can happen as well. http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-chaser Again, it's not a bad thing, but it's good to know what to expect, so your husband can stay strong. (Just so you know, no pressure, what you decide to do is totally up to you. This is just my story of how we decided to do it and how it is working for us. We're 2 weeks in.) While we do the reboot we're doing 30 minutes of cuddling a day and FANOS. I will tag you in a post with details. It has been key for us to rebuild our intimacy and emotional connection, which porn destroys. I highly recommend it!
Thank you for your support! I must say I think this week we've been more honest about ourselves than in the last 11 years we've been together. I will say he was willing but hesitant at first but once he saw the Tedx talks clip he acknowledge his addiction immediately which took me by surprise. I knew he'd relate to the science behind it but before watching the video he couldn't stand the word relapse and refused to be classified as an addict. He was just a user of porn, that is all. Afterwards all he could say was "I can't turn my back on science, I'm an addict" Since then we've been able to speak openly and addiction/relapse are no longer silenced words. Not only that but despite an mo relapse yesterday we've still managed to have some pretty intense o's the last 2 nights. We feel closer than before and we both know in our hearts this is where we need to be. I'm so grateful to this site. It's really been an eye opening experience.
Thank you that was very helpful. I commend you for going the full pmo with your husband. We've decided to keep our o's for eachother but ditch the rest. I feel like right now I need to feel that closeness with him but we have added extra time to just cuddle as well. Today was a great day. He's doing the work. He found himself an AP and is looking into a new hobby which is pretty awesome since he's given up writing, music, and his art in the last couple of years. I'm hoping wether it is a new adventure or picking up an old one, he will find some peace. Thankfully he's a terrible liar and has told me several times already that he will tell me if he's relapsed (and he has) but if it hasn't come up just ask. He's always been truthful and I have no reason to doubt him now. Congrats on the first 2 weeks, I think that's pretty amazing and I hope we can be there soon. I'm on day 6 now and he's back to day 1 but we've already noticed a difference in our sex life. His triggers are boredom, stress, and headaches which he has frequently. He's also by himself most of the day so this has been pretty tough which is why I'm glad to see him picking up a hobby.
He should THANK YOU for snooping. Had you not snooped you wouldn't be here exploring and learning all about PMO and his issues. My boyfriend said thank god I found out because he would still be miserable and deep in PMO had I not found out. He didn't/doesn't ? Think PMO is the issue but he loves you so he will stop. He's gotta realize what abuse of PMO does and how if effects you two. He's going to be bitter until he has that AHA moment.
At first he didn't think it was an actual issue I mean he was a once a day or every other day kinda guy. He wasn't spending hours on it and we still had a good sexual relationship. The turn around was once we started the challenge and he realized he was having a much harder time than he thought. The Aha moment was when he heard the science behind it on a Ted talks video. He's more of a science guy vs a feelings guy so no matter how hard I tried to express my feelings he couldn't quite grasp why I had a problem. The girls meant nothing, it was just easier to Pmo sometimes, it helped with stress, and he said he wouldn't care if I was getting off to some hot guys. But once he gave this place a chance and watched the video he quickly realized he had a problem that could only get worse. He couldn't hide from the science. And I don't mean to say he didn't respect my feelings because that's simply untrue he just couldn't understand them at the time. He's been very supportive of my feelings which is why he decided to try this even when he didn't think there was a problem. I'm glad I snooped too but I have a lot of work to do for myself now to recover from it.
