Hopefully he'll be more open to sharing after the hurdle of the therapy session? For my husband, at the beginning of the process, when his NoFap count started, he would wake up angry and tense and anxious every morning. If that is what you're seeing, it might actually be a good thing. Going without that dopamine fix is really hard....imagine a smoker or any other junkie as they begin their detox journey..... They are nervous, twitchy, jumpy, angry, .....you get the idea. It was super stressful being around him those first few days because I could see and feel the anxiety and anger in his body language.... The longer the detox continued, the more easily he could explain what he was feeling and that it wasn't directed at me. It was just his body reacting to not having its normal levels of dopamine.
My husband went through a similar phase. He found it really hard not to blame our relationship for all of his problems. It was easier than taking responsibility for his own mistakes. This of course led to me feeling hurt and rejected. I began to feel like maybe I was the problem. Try talking to him about it. Explain that you understand he's going through some stuff but you feel like he's blaming you. Just be honest. If he's still snappy and mean then tell him you won't put up with being spoken to like that and you're distancing yourself until he I able to think clearly. Xx
He went to his appointment. Sounds like it was positive. However, he's decided not to face me for now. We have a long distance relationship due to our jobs and I haven't seen him since I found everything out. He had said he was coming Wednesday and staying through the weekend. But at his appointment he made a follow up appointment for Friday. (FYI:The therapist did not recommend that he come back Friday, said a week would be fine) Which means he isn't coming here. I explained to him more than once how important it was to me that he come see me and let's have a face to face conversation about moving forward and what we both want for our future. Then he scheduled his follow up for when he was supposed to be here. I calmly told him how hurt I am that he's not coming. He said he needs to be selfish. As non-judgemental as I could I said, that's what has been happening. I think calling a prostitute is a tad selfish (I didn't say that part out loud.)Maybe I'm crazy. I expressed again how incredibly hurt my feelings were that he isn't coming. Its what I've been holding out for. To see him, to look in his eyes, to feel his love for me and our relationship. To connect in a time when there is so much hurt and pain. To lean on each other. He can't do that. My mom said very clear, if he's determined to make this right and be in your life, he'll tell you. Well....he's not telling me. I'm very happy he wants to get himself to a better place. But I'm really thinking that I need to wake up. It's very painful. I was willing to deal with all of it. To stand by him. He can't face me. I get that he's scared, but I can't do this alone and I shouldn't feel like I'm the only one that wants to fight for us. I hope this isn't my last post. But I'm not sure I can keep doing this with so little encouragement from him. And of course, he doesn't understand why it would hurt me at all. Can't I just see that him focusing on himself will help us in the end? No, no I can't "just see" that. There is another human being with a broken heart sitting right here dealing with this too.
He's been thinking only of his own happiness for a long time. However, if I was a betting person, I would bet that the therapist may have recommended that he stay away. And likely, despite how much pain you're in, he very well may truly believe that this course of action might be best for your relationship. Either way, you have to decide for yourself when enough is enough. ((((Hugs))))
He told me that his therapist said it would be fine to come see me. I know him. I know him well. He's hiding. He's being a coward. But it's wrong. I wouldn't sit here and tell you guys how patient I've been and it not be true. I've told him I post here. I have nothing to hide. I haven't yelled once. I have tried with everything to save this relationship and be understanding and give him space. It was a month ago that I found out about the porn. Since then he's called an escort and texted multiple girls. All because he was "lonely, ashamed and depressed for what he'd done to us." And in that month, I haven't even seen him. How can you possibly build trust when you can't even face your partner?
I don't know right now. I just don't. Maybe it's time I refocus my strength in walking away. Its unhealthy for me.
It's a big decision. Take your time with it. But in the meantime, we're here if you wanna talk about it.
Thanks. I'm just so tired. Now he says he's undecided about coming. Its wrong and selfish on every level to jerk me around after what I've been through. I'm trying not to act in haste. But it's really starting to feel ugly.
Here's a note you can send your bf from me, another man dealing with sex addiction and all the fears and shame that go along with it. (Insert bf name here), This is an incredibly hard process to bring yourself back from a bad place. Good job making the first steps and reaching for help through a therapist and opening up with your girlfriend. But you need to include (insert your name here). You need her support and shes wanting, asking to be part of your team. You need to go to her, meet her, in person. You need to walk into that really hard place, be vulnerable, admit your mistakes, and tell her why she should stay and fight this fight with you. Don't hide. Look her in the eye and tell her what's going on. You can't do this over the phone. Skip your next therapy appointment (reschedule) and go to her and start making this right with the woman you love. If you don't, you'll lose her. There's plenty of broken relationships because of this sickness. If you want her you'll need to fight for her; put yourself on the line. You can do this. Come visit the nofap community online and get additional support with men and women going through similar tough roads and healing journeys. Do this!
This... Boyfriend has mentioned at times he wants to forget it happened because he is embarrassed and ashamed. Ehhh.... Nope can't do this.
I sent it this morning. He just said that he came on Nofap today to read about it. But still hasn't said a peep about coming. Its infuriating to just sit here waiting to hear him say he wants to come see me. What the hell?
Well, thank you all for the support. He's decided not to come. He's not comfortable with it and stated multiple times that he needs to be selfish and work on himself. That I just need to understand that. I'm floored. I really didn't see this coming. I wasted an entire month crying over this and supporting him. I told him that I believe that this is a mistake that may end our relationship. He said "do what you have to do, I'm not wavering." I can't express the hurt and shock I'm feeling. And pure stupidity. I wasted so much energy. Felt as though I could barely function most days. All to keep my cool and try to support him. It would be 2 more weeks before he could "possibly" come. All the while I'd feel lost and disconnected. Which he has said, isn't his problem, that I need to see a counselor. Here's the kicker....He still says he's doing what's best for us to have a future. Has convinced himself of this and is 100% in the right. I'm going to delete my account here and move on. I wish you all a ton of luck and ask for you to pray for me to stay strong and that I get away from this seriously toxic, one sided relationship.
At least you can walk away knowing you were willing to fight. He's the one who's weak. He's the selfish one. He's the one who's undeserving of your love. Someone more worthy is waiting out there for you. Don't let this (fill-in-the-blank) drag you down. We hope you find happiness soon.
Sorry to hear this love. You should do what's best for you now. Go find someone who deserves you. Stay strong xx
I'm sorry it has to go down this way. Sounds like you've tried your best. Can lead a horse to water and all that... All the best. If you need to vent or be heard about all this feel free to post more.
Thank you all. It's a numbing pain. He actually said I sounded like a 10 year old trying to get my way when I asked him to please reconsider coming. I just know how much it would've done for me and us to connect and remember our love through all of this pain. It's impossible to do that over the phone. I'm trying to get in to see a therapist myself to find my strength. My strength to take care of myself. Not him. I pray my feelings for him will fade soon and I'll know I'm making the right decision. I can't help but feel that I was just another casualty in his life and he'll never even be affected by losing me. I believe that he'll focus on himself, get better or not, move on to another relationship and look back on us as just another bad relationship. He has a long long list of women that he's hurt. I knew that but didn't understand it until now. I guess I made the all too common mistake to believe I was different.
Not at all. You have to enter every relationship with an open mind or nobody would ever take a chance on anybody. Its not your fault it didn't work out. The important thing is that you've learned something about yourself. And had the strength to realise what you need from a relationship. Nothing is ever a mistake if you come out the other side a better person. You can now focus on finding a relationship that is right for you xx
