This post is a little explicit in detail. I get this is a sexual health forum but usually, I am less vulgar with my journal posts than I am with this so just a heads up. I am cursed with probably the worst combination of things ever: Balanitis, ED and an inheritable genetic disorder. Balanitis is the inflammation and drying of the penis glans, this has been happening to me for years despite daily cleaning, abstinence from masturbation and avoidance of harsh soaps. My glans were keratinized and became dry and cracked. There are still visible cracks and it hurts to touch. This becomes visibly worse when erect and when I do relapse, I have to use some form of lubricant since it hurts so badly. I can't even touch the head of the penis without extreme agony. A light tap is like applying salt to a wound. This is probably treatable but it would require extensive surgical help that I don't want to put myself under. I used to suffer from phimosis but that problem has mostly been eradicated by another one, ED. I cannot get hard for longer than two seconds. P probably doesn't help either. I have tried other forms of masturbation to get around this. It sucks so much. All this combined makes it so that penetrating sex isn't possible for me. I can't get hard, and even if I was able to, I can't penetrate without extreme pain due to balanitis. And I'm fine with being a virgin forever. Never cared about sex, to me it's gross and weird. P is an unwanted impulse and addiction I developed to cope with my problems. Questioning my sexuality but never cared for relationships or sexual intimacy for either gender. The whole concept of love seems alien to me. And even if I didn't have any of those problems, to top it all off, I still have a genetic disorder that means my offspring would be guaranteed to be mentally retarded with poor health and quality of life. This happened to my youngest sibling and he is an empty shallow husk of a human being. Not something I ever want to do. It's not about me or what I want, what's moral about bringing someone into the world knowing they will suffer due to something they inherit from you? If anything, that is selfish. So I am pretty much infertile in the sense that I will never be able to have sex or any offspring. Am I glad? 50/50. Missing out on fatherhood is depressing but yet again I can plan for the future and develop a greater purpose. Monastic life maybe? Depends on where I stand in my call to faith once I reach that point. I feel about shit about it. Makes masturbation feel even worse since I'm emulating something I'll never get to experience. Only a fake synthetic feeling that makes me feel like a gross degenerate and emasculated.
You've got a lot on your plate. Sorry friend. I hope you can find some sort of peace in just being you.
I don’t “like” the hard choices you have in front of you; I “like” your openness and vulnerability. You’ve always been a positive presence here on the forum, genuinely kind in an environment with a lot of aggression and intense opinions. I’ve appreciated you. It always did feel to me that you had more going on than I saw from your posts in the open, and I’m sorry to hear what a difficult time you have. Reproduction is a big deal, but it’s not the only deal. Our lives are far more complicated. You can have a truly meaningful life, caring for family both biological and adopted, without creating your own children. There are many, too many, children out there whose biological parents failed them, and many more who can simply use an uncle, to help them learn how to become a strong, caring adult. You aren’t precluded from having a mate, either. I know it doesn’t feel like you need or want one now, and that may not change, but you should rest comfortably knowing this is a choice you can make, not a condition forced on you. In the meantime, it sounds like porn is an unhealthy coping mechanism for you, one that is especially harmful to you due to your physical condition. As bad as porn is, it is meeting a genuine need. I think we underestimate how important dopamine really is for balance and mental health, and if we’re not getting it through normal means, we’ll seek it through porn. You probably need to work hard at getting dopamine through good avenues. Also, avoid stressors if you can. I can’t emphasize enough how a bad home situation can absolutely destroy your recovery efforts. If you are in one of those situations, you need to do what you can to get out. I’m praying for you, Bingles. You have a tough time ahead of you but you’re going to be okay.
Cheers Meshuga, I'll try my best. My ideal future would be living as a stay-at-home dad, cooking meals and leading a good honest life. I would rather do that than work a 9-5 job, I don't see the point. I tried "living like a normal person" for a few years, stuck at school and it didn't work. It made me feel more miserable. The world wasn't made for me. It might be a generational thing since I know many other people feel the same. I remember last year there was a guy a year above me who joined the NAVY, you get to work your way up the ranks and earn £40k which is about $55k in the US a year, so not bad. Travel the world and have a neat organized life with a sense of camaraderie. Yet again, that won't change who I am or the problems I have. I would be running away from myself. My sister cut off my family, I miss seeing my nephew and niece. My brother is moving out soon since he has been arguing with my parents. Got no one left. Can't even go out for a meal at a restaurant or bowling. Had my chance to make friends and blew it by being too focused on work. Parents are too lazy to get a job for themselves and rely on benefits that will inevitably run out. It's hopeless. I feel like I have failed as a person. Had my chance, didn't take it but enjoyed life, now what? Can't tie my shoelaces let alone function as an adult. No long-term plans for the future other than sticking to what I am doing now. I feel dumb as a brick and unprepared. But if I don't stay optimistic then my only alternative is endlessly whinging about my addiction problems and never getting anything done. I have spent the past two weeks doing nothing since I feel so burned out, there is no motivation to work. Tried taking cold showers, eating healthier foods, going outside. It never works and I end up waking up looking like a mess at 12 in the evening on a Monday. All I can do is keep positive and hope for the best. I live a good life, have a roof over my head, 3 meals a day, endless entertainment, and a caring family. Life could be a lot worse. But P has dragged me down a pit of misery I never even knew was possible. Needs to end. My body is a decaying mess and I have let that happen for too long.
This sounds dreadful pal. Do you have balanitis or balanoposthitis (including foreskin)? A prescription of topical antifungals usually for one to three weeks is the treatment of choice for most patients with balanoposthitis. Imidazoles such as clotrimazole 1% twice daily, and miconazole 1% bid are the first line therapy choice. Nystatin cream is an alternative in patients allergic to imidazoles.
Balanoposthitis. A few years ago, I phoned the doctor since it got very bad and they said it was caused due to phimosis. I can't pull my foreskin back when erect. Their only advice was to clean it regularly in lukewarm bath water and hope it improves. I can put it underneath running water now without much irritation so that's an improvement. It's still dry and sore. Where could I buy these prescriptions? I really don't want to see a GP, it's too embarrassing.
I am sorry you have all this to deal with mate. If they are available over the counter, it would be at a Chemist. But they may be prescription only. I understand why you feel embarrassed about seeing a doctor. Over the years, I have had to show my doctor my genitals a few times. They do this a lot and do not make you feel awkward. I have also recently had several bowel examinations at the hospital, but it is worth it buddy. If you do go, choose which GP you want to see rather than a pot luck clinic.
on seeing a doctor, there’s a chain that’s been popping up called Total Men’s and they don’t shy away from these questions. if it’s a fungal thing, you can try some otc fungal med from Walmart like butenafine cream. Be sure to pickup not the foot one. It was helpful for me when my crotch caught something somehow. yo, your life is ahead of you. Ephesians 2:8-10 shows that there is a path of good things that lays ahead to give glory to god. Sounds like your heart for a family is evident that he is working on you. God sets into you the desires of your heart when you spend time with him. I didn’t dare open up about my p problem to any friend because I believed the lie “theyd reject me if they really knew me.” So when faced with a fork in the road and choosing to repent, I began confessing to a doctor, then a Christian counselor, and that began my journey to freedom and confessing to my friends. By sharing each time, I learned that this sin doesn’t have authority over me anymore because Jesus set me free. asking a doctor for some med help can be a first step to you healing.
I don't want to experience any pain, it is extremely sore. The idea of a doctor's visit is terrifying. Never arranged one myself and I don't know how to get there. It is awkward and risky.
Clotrimazole is available without a prescription in the US. It might be embarrassing to purchase but the vaginal cream might be best since it's formulated for sensitive tissue.
There's multiple ways you can impart wisdom to young (and old) people, without yourself being a parent. And your value as a human being is not diminished if you don't bring children into this world. You make some honest and raw reflections on your life as it is today. And you're certainly a lot more mature than I was at the same age. However, you should not have to go through all these things on your own; that is bound to be or become too overwhelming. Do you know any responsible adults in real life that you can talk to?
A docter has seen more things like that don't worry about it. The longer you wait, the worse the consequences can be.
Thank you. I'll send a PM soon, I want to wait first before arranging something like that. I graduate in seven days from now. It's too much too soon.
I don't think I could buy that from a local shop, they have restrictions at the tills. I would get weird looks.
take time to be in the moment of your graduation. Reflect on how far you come, and count your blessings throughout that time. Don’t just let it go by. Practice being present! and congratulations!
Hey man. I admire your transparency and vulnerability. However, I'm so sorry you have these struggles on your plate. You're in a great community surrounded by some really great members - it's evident in the responses to this post. That being said, I struggled with very similar issues regarding phimosis, fear of doctors, pain, etc. Though I'm not at all suggesting you do the same as me, I went ahead and had a circumcision done at age 18. My life from a physical/pain perspective was instantly changed. I'm now in my 40s and couldn't be more grateful to have had those issues remediated. Feel free to DM me if you ever have questions or need support. Wishing you the absolute best my friend!
