No attraction to wife

I think the best solution is open honest communication. Anything short of that means there's always going to be something between you and closer love and intimacy with her. Not opening up again about things even though last time it didn't go well isn't good. It also means listening to how she feels and how she's doing in terms of a compulsive eating disorder. It also means opening up about how you feel.

These conversations are hard, and usually filled with a boat load of emotions. One of the harder parts is each partner allowing the other to have their own feelings while trying to communicate their individual perspective. Often talking in a very vulnerable way can cause one or both partners to become disrugulated and shut down or get hyper aroused where they get mad, yell etc. Navigating those times can be very difficult but is absolutely crucial to the health of a marriage. Sometimes just hit the pause button and come back to it when you both are in a better place. Ignoring it and never readdressing it is not going to do any good, and resentment will result from that.

Keep your head up. Keep working on improving and even though it's hard be honest with your wife.

 

You can love someone who’s obese. You said you’re afraid you don’t love her. Love is not dependent on how someone looks. At all. I never called you shallow. I said if you cannot love her as she is then leave. I would tell her the same thing. If she can’t love you because of your addiction she should leave.

 

@Qzmp1 I'm responding to both you and @Psalm27:1my light here.

I think I can see that @Psalm27:1my light triggered a bit of shame for you on this topic of leaving your wife vs staying. And your comment of you worrying about not being able to love her. Feel that and really think about that today.

I think I can understand what you are saying, you have always had a picture that your wife would look a certain way. But now you are wondering what is going on.

Shame sucks, and there's really only two directions you can go with it. Face it, and accept it, or try and keep running from it.

To face shame you just have to kinda admit, that you have done things that go against who you believe you are from a values standpoint. Accepting that and the consequences is hard, but it is important if you want to change.

 

Yes. She can love you and not want to stay married to you. She can love you while not accepting horrific behaviors from you. You sucking other men is crossing a boundary within marriage that YOU agreed to that may put her health at risk. It’s disgusting that you think her being overweight/gaining weight is the same as you cheating and lying. You absolutely can still love someone while also divorcing. Many people do. You said you are afraid you do not love her. If you do not love her then leave.

 

I think the real thing you're taking issue with is the cheating. He never said he didn't love her, just that he was worried he might not. That's not grounds for leaving alone, people can work at love. Likewise, with the weight and food addiction, we can both understand how that might take a toll on a relationship. The issue is the cheating and how egregious it is.

I understand where you're coming from here and in subsequent posts. It is very frustrating when you've informed someone that you'd like them to take reasonable steps to improve your happiness and they simply won't follow through on that commitment. I think it's unrealistic at this point to assume she will lose weight unless of her own accord. Even then, it may not be to the extent that you want.

I think as well that Psalm has a point with regards to the cheating. Whatever the provocation, it's unacceptable to have sexual relationships with men behind her back. I wouldn't draw an equivalence between that and her eating, although I'm sure that's not what you intended to do. Whilst her weight and your infidelity might be causally linked, I would hold that as a line you don't cross. If you need to go outside the marriage for satisfaction and you cannot stop, there's no point in continuing. Porn use is one thing, cheating is way too far, which I'm sure you recognise.

 

Do either of you work out at all? I think that it's more effective than just dieting for losing weight. And since you mentioned being thin you should try meeting her halfway, try beefing up more and either going with her at the gym or investing in some equipment at home, seeing you getting in better shape might encourage her to do the same.

 

Hey man, that's really awesome to hear. I lost a very beautiful relationship with an amazing woman because of my porn warped sexuality. I'd dimly realized the kind of mode of thought you are talking about when we were still trying to work things out, but I let my selfishness win over too often to attempt it. I know I hurt her a lot, and it's been hard for me to even consider myself worthy another partner since. I am just really happy to hear that someone was able to turn a troubled relationship into a fruitful one after dealing with this disease. Thank you for sharing.

 

For practical intents, all of your complaints about your wife, your attraction or lack thereof, her attitude, your feelings, and the torrents of arguments, posturing , and all other angst, are rendered invalidated at the very beginning of your post:

Friend, with all the respect I can muster for a fellow addict, your feelings have zero reflection on reality. Porn addiction places you and your emotions in an alternate universe where unlimited gorgeous women debase themselves for you at the click of a button, that’s not real. What is real is the absolute, complete, and total havoc that on-demand stimulation plays on your hormones, which are directly related to your emotions. You have figuratively poured used motor oil direct onto your naked eyeballs, and are now complaining that your wife is blurry and it’s somehow her fault.

Maybe, perhaps, she would be better off if she altered her diet and exercise, but you, my enthusiastic yet misguided comrade in arms, are in no position to criticize. Not from a moral standpoint, not even from a practical standpoint. You are incapable of understanding how attracted or not you are to your wife because you aren’t operating on a realistic plane. Your paradigm is whack. Your perspective is discombobulated. Your feelings are lying to you.

Focus on recovery. When you can get 60 days clean, I advise 90 to really make sure, revisit this question and see if you even find it worth asking. Until then, consider yourself without legs with which to support thineself.

 

I agree that getting you mind sober should be the first priority. Secondly, I know that love and attraction are two different things. You can be madly in love with someone regardless of how attracted you are to them. At the end of the day, aside from health issues, attraction is superficial at best. There is always going to be someone out there who is more attractive than your spouse. The point is can you commit to her and love her regardless. This is what true manhood is about, denying your desires and doing what is right. Isn't that what we are all trying to do with nofap?

 

I have wanted to respond to this thread and just haven't been able to articulate it properly.

So I'm just going to say it and I'm probably not doing a very good job of it
.

No... Telling an addict that their feelings, etc. Have zero reflection on reality is not correct. Even though it definitely affects them, often in deeply troubling ways. Telling a person struggling that their feelings aren't real isn't helpful. Actually it can be very harmful as it invalidates the person trying to work through their thoughts and feelings trying to figure out truth from fiction.

The addiction is there for some reason, and each person's reasons are different. But often, there's deep levels of abuse, (sexual, physical emotional) traumas, abrupt life altering events, child abandonment, shame etc. The list goes on and on.

I don't say this to make an excuse for anyone struggling with addiction, but instead to point out why the addiction is a problem in the first place. Which are often real feelings that deserve to be treated as such. Those reasons and issues are what need dealt with, addiction altered or not.

So @Qzmp1 I encourage you to keep working on things, don't let things get you to a point where it seems hopeless or where you feel you have no value. Because you do. Find a place where you can express these things, be it a counselor, or small group, whatever it takes. Don't wait, because every moment not used to heal from whatever issues you have experienced is a wasted one.

Keep in mind that PMO addiction does affect you negatively as well, and be steadfast in your curiosity of what it means as you work toward recovery. Know that addiction does negatively affect your brain, but also know that it doesn't invalidate every feeling you have.

Your value is not determined by what society says, and you aren't a bad person expressing how you feel. Be open to the reality that as you remove addiction from your life that you're views may change. But know that you aren't bad for expressing how you feel in the moment right now. That's in my opinion the only way things get better.

 

Im a guy in my 20s. I have mostly dating experience and one prolonged relationship but I would say that this is a question for a dating/relationship forum like sosuave. P addiction is definitely a cancer that needs to be destroyed but a marriage where the woman destroys her body is like a marriage where a man gives up on being a provider and protector settling for total mediocrity. Is it forgiveable? Yes but it needs to be seriously addressed and worked on. I would challenge her and not tolerate her behavior at all. However this also implies that you are on your game financially and physically and so on as well. Also if you have a serious P addiction, you will have less gravitas when you're calling out her food addiction. Lead from the front and don't tolerate mediocrity from yourself or her.

 

The funny thing about attraction is when you find a women who you are attracted to mentally, they will also look hot to you. A good personality in the long run is much more important than a truly good looking women. If you can find a woman who has a great personality and is truly "hot" you have won the jackpot.
Now that I have said that, I do look at women first for their physical beauty, than I see if they have a compatible personality. Eventually looks will fade with age, but the personality will keep you attracted in the long-run.