Long Haul Recovery - How to deal with my own feelings

seethe · Mar 5, 2024

good afternoon ladies and gents,

looking for support and a place to vent about what's going on in my life because like many of you i can't just talk to friends or whatever. i'm in individual therapy but the 50 minute sessions aren't long enough lol, we're in couples therapy as well but i can't just rant there, have to be a bit more considerate.

we've been on this rollercoaster for over 4 years now. we're on the same page in terms of goals, what's considered a relapse, what's considered cheating etc. we've gone through periods of monitoring where i'm checking in on him constantly and trying to contact him when i notice he's off doing something he's not supposed to, but i had to step away from that 3 weeks ago because it was too stressful, too much responsibility on me, distracting from work, and not allowing him to learn how to rely on himself to deal with his triggers. it was supposed to be a temporary measure to get him through a rough patch but the rough patch seems to just keep on going.... it's been since november. i thought things were getting better over the past couple weeks but now he's back on another severe relapse and i don't know what to do.

a few concerns i have that are particularly stressing:
-he works from home, is spending hours relapsing instead of working, could lose his job and we are already not in the best financial position
-he always tells me after, but can't pull himself away or ask for help before it happens
-i sometimes know what he's doing when he's doing it, but i'm not calling him to help/interrupt, i'm just here to support him when he calls me. it's very difficult to concentrate on work when he's doing that
-i feel like only part of my needs are being met in the relationship. i don't want to go outside of the relationship to have those other needs met, and i don't want to open the relationship because there is no trust (i am at the point of "trust but verify" however he keeps breaking my boundaries by going to ai chat which i consider cheating)
-i don't know how to enforce the boundaries i set
-he begs for me to help him or message him when i notice something but i want him to develop self sufficiency and also i don't want to be his mother/keeper

anyway i'm really angry and will probably pour some of that out eventually, just trying to give a more neutral background and see if anyone has some advice.

thank you for taking the time to read.

Robindale · Mar 5, 2024

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Pushes all my shame and feeling worthless buttons hearing your story. My own opinion, but I don’t think you should edit your responses and hold back in couples therapy. He needs to hear it and your therapist should be able to help you two process things. I agree that you can’t be in the position of being his gatekeeper or intervener. That’s on him and whoever he wants to get to help him. Right now you just need to work on your safety, your boundaries and your health. Seems to me there should be a way for him to work from home or block things, or go into work regularly instead. Or if it’s all too tempting and triggering, then get a new job. It doesn’t sound like he has hit his bottom yet. I hope he figures it out before then. But he has to take ACTION to do whatever it takes to get sober and healthy. I wish you safety, health and peace of mind.

Real Jerry Seinfeld · Mar 6, 2024

I tend to agree that it's unhealthy to act as his keeper, even if he's asking you to do so. It's not a long-term solution. If he can't keep his hands out his pants of his own accord, that's a problem, but it's not one you should be expected to police.

As for opening the relationship, that might be a solution to your needs but not to the broader problem with the relationship. I've had friends do it and I've never seen a relationship survive after that becomes the norm. It's basically just adding another potential problem to the pile rather than fixing the underlying issue.

Maybe you feel you can't rant in couples therapy, but you can certainly rant here. Go in, no one will judge.

KevinesKay · Mar 9, 2024

seethe said: ↑

but i had to step away from that 3 weeks ago because it was too stressful, too much responsibility on me, distracting from work, and not allowing him to learn how to rely on himself to deal with his triggers
Click to expand...

Good job. You are not responsible for his recovery. Great job for stepping out of that porn policing role.

seethe said: ↑

-i feel like only part of my needs are being met in the relationship. i don't want to go outside of the relationship to have those other needs met, and i don't want to open the relationship
Click to expand...

I wouldn't judge you if you chose to leave this relationship for your own health and healing. You didn't mention this option. This is more preferable over cheating or settling for an open relationship. Relationships are co-created. They can be ended at any time by either party. I'm not sure if you're married, but if you are, I still wouldn't judge you for leaving. I feel many addicts and their partners stay in these unfulfilling relationships way too long for their own good. I see it as shame-based behavior.

But there is one thing I know for certain. I know what you want, and I know that he cannot provide that for you. And you cannot fix him. If he hasn't changed for himself after 4 years, it's not likely that he'll change anytime soon. (It took me over 25 years.) So if you can't love him for who he is right now, my suggestion is to don't love him at all.

We are glad you're here. So welcome, and thank you for your honest share.

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