Aprieta estos días tu proceso mi bro, sin hacerte daño por supuesto, pero busca de estar con la guardia en alto y no dejes desanimar, vuelve a empezar todas las veces que sean necesarias que eso es parte del proceso!! Abrazo!!! Dank
I translated on internet but knew that should read your journal. Wow, your journal is so inspiring I have a few similarities in my early story but congratulations making it through I still need to make it through to the other side of PMO but I am inspired by your journey. Thank you.
Mi padre siempre ha sido un abusivo y un violento. Ahora que está mayor e inválido, es un manipulador. Juro que le detesto por todo lo que ha hecho con mi madre y conmigo, pero a su vez cuánto echo de menos su afecto que nunca me dio. Ese es el peor dolor: la añoranza de lo que no se ha tenido. Me cuesta tanto perdonarle. Por Navidades no me ha llamado, ni a preguntar por mi o por sus nietos. Ambos somos muertos en vida el uno para el otro. Es tan doloroso esto, pero es la vida. Y a más aumenta el dolor de esta herida, mayor el craving por PMO. Me llenó de traumas a lo largo de toda mi vida, y ahora sigue el trauma porque solo con PMO parece que puedo silenciar este dolor que me desgarra por dentro. mi país me cerró todas las puertas laboralmente, y con tal de no volver a verle, tengo otro motivo para no regresar más. Esto me genera mucha fricción con mi familia y la de mi mujer, que hasta ahora no terminan de aceptar nuestra emigración. Todas las familias sufrimos por su culpa. pero no sé cómo canalizar sabiamente este enfado que tengo con él, de una forma más productiva que masturbándome. que triste que haya yo tenido que terminar diciendo esto.
Hola mi bro, lamento mucho leer todas estas cosas, en mayor o menor medida me hacen recordar mi propio proceso con mi padre, seguro no es para nada casual a pesar de las diferencias que puedan existir, aún así te comparto que en mi experiencia nunca llegue a sentirme totalmente bien cuando sentí que llegue a perdonarle hasta que en unos ejercicios psicoterapéuticos pude ponerme en su lugar, como dentro de su ser siendo yo un espectador, desde donde logre sentir que él todo lo que hizo (y para nada lo justifica) fue de manera inconsciente, incluso muchas veces siento esos actuares lo "mejor" que podía hacer en determinados momentos, sin embargo lo que vino luego de esto y que es lo que quiero compartir contigo, es el haber descubierto en auto perdón, el perdonarme también a mi mismo por haber estado ahí y no hacer nada (también desde la inconsciencia), perdonarme por no tener las herramientas, por ser ignorante en muchos sentidos, al mismo tiempo en que no era o fui responsable de todas esas cosas, me ayudo mucho a lograr ubicar el orden cronológico y sentimental (toda mi rabia, miedo y tristeza) de muchos eventos de mi vida con él para comenzar a sentirme más tranquilo en el presente. Si me explico? Te mando un fuerte abrazo!!! Dank
I am sorry for the experiences you have had with your father. I too hated my father and had attention to seriously hurt him a long time ago. He was not abusive but he used to drink a lot when I was younger and I am sure it was difficult for my mother the one time I never forgot in my life is when he was drunk and strangling my mother just outside are room we were younger kids we were crying I remember my mother saying that she will have to leave her three kids because of this. We cried ourselves to sleep that night. I have never forget this and I hated him into my teens. I refused to communicate with him or be around him for years and years. My friend hate is bad thing it damages you from the inside. You have to forgive your father so you can get peace and freedom. I made changes to improve the relationship. My father had heart surgery and he was in a very weaken state for months maybe even years. It was scary for the family he spoke to me. And, I had so much hate and was emotional out of their that if he was close to death it might not have fazed me but my brother was so upset he has hate for him to he looked like he was in tears. I looked at my brother and I he was like nobody to me my dad. My brother was feeling and responding how I should have been as a son. I felt bad when I left the house. I knew I had to try more my dad is definitely not the type to be emotional so me as a more emotional person would probably not the emotional needs that my mother fulfilled but he was unable to do. The relationship is better. For sure. I am glad I changed. I didn’t only hate my father I hated all men and refused to bother with them. I needed to change this is was not healthy.
mi país me cerró todas las puertas laboralmente, y con tal de no volver a verle, tengo otro motivo para no regresar más. Esto me genera mucha fricción con mi familia y la de mi mujer, que hasta ahora no terminan de aceptar nuestra emigración. Todas las familias sufrimos por su culpa. pero no sé cómo canalizar sabiamente este enfado que tengo con él, de una forma más productiva que masturbándome. que triste que haya yo tenido que terminar diciendo esto. I don’t understand what you mean by this part but I will not pry into your business. I learnt this anger is not good for me. I was angry all the everyday and this is not healthy for you the stress. Heal and forgive. For you. For your health.
Hey @GeeJ Welcome to my journal, I apologize that you couldn't read it well because it's in spanish, which BTW you gave me the great idea of posting in English. Life's been hard to me. And I mean, when I read what you wrote, I can't help relate to your story. Dude I completely relate to your experience you know? The only difference is that mine didn't drink, but as for the other aspects yes. He was violent, abussive and manipulative. He hit my mother for 40 years. Now she's devastated, but finally accepting that coming back to him could be the worst, and it's finally letting go. I suffered a lot because of the suffering of her due to his mistreat, and man I swear I tried to forgive him y'know, but I just can't when everytime I see him coming around her , trying to seduce her and later starting again the circle of violence. These days I've been a little quieter here, and I realized, as you said, that I HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM. I'm repeating as a mantra "I forgive you, I forgive you all, and above everything: I forgive myself" I need to let it go. But this has to be a mantra. It's hard to know when this dementor-ish feeling arrives and you enter the circle of resentment, whether you have 2 choices: give into self-hate, PMO, or letting resentment grow bigger. I'm still trying to find a healthier way of coping with it. I had always masturbated my pain, it was my only pain killer. That's what you get when a 10 years-old bullied, pussy boy, hit by his peers, fonded in pain, found that he has the solution at the palm of his hand (no pun intended!). That was the way I became a slave of M first, P later and O at last. And I'm sorry. I'm reading about semen retention, and man, how I wish I could have known about that so much earlier in life. So now I'm focusing on semen retention, and even though it's hard, I know it's a path I must follow to connect with myself for the first time in my life. You're wise my friend. I'll take your advice, I really appreciate it. It was even more to me when I realized that that was my reality. And most of us go through life like zombies, and even dying, without realizing about how enslaved we are to our vices. I really appreciate your empathy, it's something that keeps my will and strenght to fight, to feel the support of all of you wonderful people. At last, it's not just not-PMOing what I'm looking here. That's just the symptom. I'm looking for sexual purity, so I could find what lies beneath this surface, and to regain my inoccence stare . As Jesus said 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. (Mt 18:3). THAT is what I am aiming to now. I hope I could get there someday. Thanks for reading me , and now you have a friend here whenever you feel like talking. Happy 2024! All the best (And forgive my english if I made mistakes ha ha)
I'm going to post this in both spanish and english, because I think the more people we could reach with what we share, the better. Voy a escribir esto en castellano e inglés, ya que creo que mientras que a más gente podamos llegar, mejor. 1. Today I feel lethargic, drained, the Holiday season it's not my favourite actually, lots of bad memories, and the stress of working harder this days (I'm a shift worker, so the stress in this days is overwhelming). Besides, dealing with my sons (they're all little yet) adds up some more stress. I downloaded this app xTracker for iPhone and I'm realizing (horrified) that I ejaculated 15 times this month of december (that's 1 ejaculation every 2 days). I've been dealing with stress my whole life and coped with it through M, and in the last months I'm becoming every time more aware of how draining and depleting this practice could be. I come to realize that I have to arrange +8000 family photos that I'm just procrastinating, I tend to avoid checking my bank account numbers (I don't want to face that), my home is chaotic, there's clutter everywhere. This M practice is making me a slacker. I just read this article: https://www.taylorjohnson.life/sex-transmutation-and-financial-abundance/ and it has a paragraph I liked: It can take up to 7 days after an ejaculatory orgasm for men to reach heightened levels physiological, hormonal and neurochemical performance. That means if a man regularly ejaculates 3 times per week, that man is NEVER living in a state of peak performance. So, according to that statement, I've not been in the state of my peak performance, like, for how long? 15 years for the least? I think this has to stop. Today's my day 2 of SR, I'll keep up about the changes I'm noticing in this journey. Wish me luck! ---- 1. Hoy me siento letárgico, agotado, la temporada navideña no es mi favorita en realidad, muchos malos recuerdos y el estrés de trabajar más duro estos días (soy un trabajador por turnos, por lo que el estrés en estos días es abrumador). Además, lidiar con mis hijos (que todavía son pequeños) me suma un poco más de estrés. Descargué esta aplicación xTracker para iPhone y me doy cuenta (horrorizado) de que eyaculé 15 veces este mes de diciembre (es decir, 1 eyaculación cada 2 días). He estado lidiando con el estrés toda mi vida y lo he superado a través de M, y en los últimos meses me estoy volviendo cada vez más consciente de lo agotadora y desgastante que puede ser esta práctica. Me doy cuenta de que tengo que organizar más de 8000 fotos familiares y que simplemente estoy postergando las cosas, tiendo a evitar revisar los números de mis cuentas bancarias (no quiero enfrentarme a eso la verdad), mi casa es caótica, hay desorden por todas partes. Esta práctica de M me está volviendo un vago la verdad. Acabo de leer este artículo: https://www.taylorjohnson.life/sex-transmutation-and-financial-abundance/ y tiene un párrafo que me gustó: Pueden pasar hasta 7 días después de un orgasmo eyaculatorio para que los hombres alcancen niveles elevados de rendimiento fisiológico, hormonal y neuroquímico. Eso significa que si un hombre eyacula regularmente 3 veces por semana, ese hombre NUNCA vive en un estado de máximo rendimiento. Entonces, según esa declaración, no he estado en el estado de mi máximo rendimiento, ¿por cuánto tiempo? ¿15 años por lo menos? Creo que esto tiene que parar. Hoy es mi día 2 de RS, les tendré al tanto de los cambios que voy notando en este viaje. ¡Deséame suerte!
Animo! Creo que siempre estamos vulnerables a caer, pero los aprendizajes y constatar los beneficios que obtenemos evitando la PMO nos dan una motivacion extra que antes no teniamos
Me he dado cuenta que el urge por PMO va perdiendo fuerza pero a una velocidad tremenda cuando soy capaz de identificar cuál es el punto que me está generando dolor. Siento que si no estoy desperdiciando mi energía vital (esto es, eyaculando) continuamente, mis pensamientos comienzan a ponerse en orden y el cuerpo me va diciendo por donde tengo que ir. Eso sí, la ansiedad por momentos se desboca,ya que siempre he tenido la posibilidad de silenciar el dolor masturbándome. Pero he logrado mi primera racha de 100 días de no P, con una disminución notable de M, y ahora ya en camino de retención de semen, me ha puesto en la senda. Me he dado cuenta que el asunto con mi padre no es que le odie, no. Con él no tengo rencores. Pero no puedo permitir que siga maltratando psicológicamente a mi madre. La tiene sometida por completo, yendo y viniendo, jugando con ella y dejándola hecha polvo. Ella siempre tiene la ilusión de que él va a cambiar, de que volverá a ser del que se enamoró. Eso no va a pasar. Es un psicópata sin sentimientos. El NOFAP me ha permitido darme cuenta, aceptarlo y ahora solamente ya me falta plantarle cara. Me ha declarado muerto hace meses, y yo a él. Y por encima, en el whatsapp familiar me escribe un mensaje con corazoncitos por año nuevo, con todo "lo bueno que hay en mi corazón y felices deseos", siendo que hace meses no me llama. Lo hace para quedar bien frente a mis hermanos. A mí no me engaña. Como intente contactar de nuevo con mi madre, voy a ocuparme de que todo el peso de la justicia haga pagar por todas sus atrocidades. I´ve realized that the urge for PMO is losing grip at a tremendous speed when I'm able to identify the emotional pain trigger. I feel that if I am not wasting my vital energy (that is, ejaculating) continuously, my thoughts begin to put themselves in order and the body tells me where to go. Of course, the anxiety sometimes gets out of hand, since I have always had the possibility of silencing the pain by masturbating. But I have achieved my first 100-day streak of no P, with a notable decrease in M, and now on the path to semen retention, it has put me on the road. I've realized that my father's issue is not that I hate him, no. I have no harsh feelings for him. But I cannot allow him to continue psychologically abusing my mother. He has her completely subdued, coming and leaving, playing games, with her and leaving devastated. She always had the illusion that he is going to change, that he will go back to being the one she fell in love with. That's not gonna happen. He is a psychopath without feelings. NOFAP has allowed me to realize it, accept it and now I just need to stand up to it. He declared me dead months ago, and so did I. And on top of that, on the family WhatsApp he writes me a message with tiny little emoji hearts for the new year, with all "the good things in my heart and happy wishes", even though he hasn't called me in months. He does only to pretend in front of my brothers. He doesn't fool me. As he tries to contact my mother again, I'll make sure that the full weight of justice goes over hime for all of his violence.
