35 and older accountability, Group 2

Im up for this brother let me know

 

Work and vacation has been challenging but I have been able to avoid porn and stay on my path. Using this morning to recenter myself.

 

Let’s do it!!

 

Sounds great. I will work up a plan tomorrow and get started doing something. I’ll let you know what I decide on.

 

Hello, I'm checking in.

Unfortunately, I've failed a few times since my last check in. I need to focus on finishing this month without any more failures.

 

Hello, I'm checking in again. I have 7 days on my counter now. I was glad to see that today.

 

Give yourself some praise for hitting 7 days and bouncing back after your last relapse.

 

I agree. 7 days is something to be proud of.

 

Hi everyone, I read every single post of yours since I last checked in, which is far too long ago. Great to see so many stick to the battle, keep on fighting!

Anonymity of this forum helps to explain very transparent what happened to me since. As some of you might remember I set off to found a side business. Very motivated I invested large evenings and nights, as there was more effort then anticipated. I counted with the help of a friend who had ensured his commitment and availability. I had provided him in the past 3 jobs that brought him good money, some gratitude in return I guess,...I guessed wrong. As soon as real work started he disappeared, gave excuses and would´t even attempt to be honest about it. Daytime job, kids, home, family,... it all added up and I was soon on reserve. I pulled through, wouldn´t give up and even stick to the project schedule with just me doing the work.
Lack of sleep, stress, mitigation of willpower, growing distance to my wife,... this all led to a horrendous relapse. SO much damage AI porn can do,...it should be banned. Justifications are easily made up:"You work hard", "You deserve a compensation", "Work hard, party hard", "I can quit when the project is over", "It prevents prostate cancer"...
Very interestingly the goal of finishing the project suddenly turned into something else. Subconsciously it would trick me into the addiction. Eventually my marriage was suffering, as the addiction makes me grumpy, unmotivated and even worse then that, for the first time I feel into a depression.
I never had that before, only knew it from friends that had shared this with me. I would have a bike trip in the mountains on day, powering through climb after climb for almost 4h with my best friend,...but that same evening dark thoughts would come again to my head. I´m still functional in job, with friends, but it´s reactive now, I´m no longer driving it. Without any hint, suddenly you can only see bad things, all life is getting dark, you feel sadness...
Never ever have I forgotten important dates of my wife and our marriage, the civil wedding, birthday, San Valentin, there are many... but depression makes me so oblivious. A few years ago I even had rented a cinema for our anniversary and the film was made of videos of our past. But now I would forget about our wedding day, I felt so bad,...but at the same time worried and concerned. Was that still me? Why did I forget such thing? I would also forget about our civil marriage anniversary last week, and my depression, while attempting to hide it, is visible in our marriage. My wife mentioned a temporary separation, to give us time,... things can go down so fast, if you blink you miss hitting the wall. Depression would make me feel so numb, I didn't even know how to feel about it in that moment. It´s a wired situation, you get back home and can still fake a nice smile to the kids, everything else somehow continues normal. No friend would notice, no coworker ask,...To shed some light in all the darkness, my wife and me talked a lot after that and things are getting better.

I had a few attempts to get back on my feet, but would end up with subs. Junk food, beer, movie nights, more junk food,...And truth must be told,short strikes, of 3 days here, 4 there,... enough to suggest I´m still in control, to few to call it a real try. Christmas time is not helping either, everywhere dinners and drinks,...dopamine rushes everywhere.

The product is ready,it was a lot of work,time and I received good feedback from the testers, it just needs to be certified by Microsoft, but was it worth it and do I still want it to go live? What do you guys think?

I feel powerless, demotivated, I could stay all day in bed..., I need to get out of here. Today I set all AI porn websites on the banned url list, I reduce my dopamine doses, I paused the project until January, I work on my marriage. Little steps, small steps,... I don´t have energy for anything more right now.

 

It's good to have you back. When we make recovery the top priority in our life, it allows us to heal and then we have more to give to our wives, families and vocations.

 

I agree. Just focus on healing right now. Little by little, everything else will come into focus. Good luck, stay strong.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group

 

Been sober for 2 months. But looking at hookup sites now. Cannot do this during a family tragedy and Christmas as a dedicated Christian.

 

4 days, BTW, wishing everyone and their beloved ones merry christmas! Feeling ok, kids are in focus these days,...but keeping sober.

 

Back to flow together, I am deeply grateful how me and my partner can speak so kindly to each other and work our differences with empathy.

 

I am at almost 50 days since P and I’m feeling tempted. My wife is gone and we did spend time together to connect before she left. I have a plan of activities that I detailed in my journal but still nervous.

 

In some ways, it’s good to be nervous. It means you care, that it’s important to you. Another way of looking at nervousness is that it’s just energy. And we can direct energy however/wherever we want.

Having a plan of activities is great! Maybe try some transmutation meditations and/or exercises, too? Hope this helps. Stay strong.

 

Thank you! That’s really helpful to think about nervousness as just energy and I can direct how I’d like!

 

Day 8, looking good. 100% clean for now, today is a bit a difficult day, alone at home, family out, so need to get my head busy. Already got plans for this weekend to make sure I´m out of home and mind doesn´t wander...

 

Good luck. Try to remember that overcoming the first 7 days is a big milestone. You should be proud of yourself. And if you can do 7/8 days, maybe you can do one more?