Driven away the love of my life

I am in a state of despair as I have driven away the love of my life due to my growing addiction to pornography.

Since the Covid outbreak, I became hopelessly addicted to porn, and throughout the course of this addiction the stimulation I needed became ever more novel, including the use of "camgirl" sites.

Me and my wife had been going through a rough patch for some time, and my dive into the abyss of porn use exacerbated our marital problems dramatically. I grew more and more distant, hiding away in my bedroom for hours on end while she would be at work, indulging this disgraceful habit. Eventually my lustful thoughts and ego centre turned to other women. During this period I was in the gym regularly as I have been for many years, training and improving my physique and looks.

Where I should have been sharing this constantly improving me with my wife, I instead became headstrong and convinced myself that every woman wanted to sleep with me, and when two very attractive female business clients started buying me gifts, this only fuelled my delusions of sexual and masculine prowess.

I became infatuated with the thought of myself as a man able to bed any woman I wanted while this was far from the truth, I lost all knowledge of the concept that women have values and standards and aren't willing to open their legs at a whim, women are highly sensitive, emotional and loving beings, who require connection to reach the point of sexual attraction. However watching hundreds and probably thousands of hours of porn distorted my view of women and myself, I believed that the women in the videos were a representation of the wider female population, and this is far from reality.

The distance between me and my wife grew until she began to act out in fits of emotional outbursts and hysteria. This led me to a state of despair, I blamed her for the issues we had in our relationship, completely neglecting the reality that my porn use had created a great distance between us. Eventually as these outbursts continued and gre in intensity, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I told my wife I had no faith in our marriage anymore.

As the weeks rolled on the distance grew, she began sleeping on the couch, and when she said she intended to separate I asked her to leave the house. were now separated, and I am a week clean from PMO.

As I have become more lucid, the realisation and gravity of what I have done has finally hit me. Me and my wife were twin candles, we had a universal connection, and because of the weakness in me, past trauma, complexes and above all else my pernicious addiction to porn. I have driven away what might be my only true love.

I am absolutely devastated at the loss of my wife, and now a week clean, and what will become a lifetime clean of porn, I have to ask myself. Was this the great universe at work ? I have begged the universe, god, and higher self to be free of this illness, I have pleaded that the universe lets unfold whatever needs to unfold for me to finally rid myself of this demon. And now that I have lost my one true love, the thought of ever watching porn again, the very thing I attribute to the destruction of the most beautiful thing in our universe, love, is something I cannot even now comprehend.

I will never watch porn again, and I beg of all the married men on this site, use my experience as the fuel to quite porn forever. Think back to what sparked the love between you and your loved one. Think of the beautiful memories, think of the support, think of the plans you made and worked towards together, and know that nothing, and especially a non-real internet based sexual simulation, is worth throwing such beauty away.

All I can do now, in the same vain that I begged the universe to end my addiction to porn, I can merely beg the universe for my wife back. I will never stop fighting for our love. I will work on myself, I will get in therapy, I will end this porn addiction, I will become whole again.

So I ask now by way of a prayer.

Great universe, god, or whatever power exists beyond this mortal life, I beg of you, I plead with you. Return my wife to me, and give me the strength to heal myself, so that I may be the man I should have been but never was. I ask of you, please bring my wife to a place of compassion, so that she may forgive me for the way I have acted, and that she may give me another chance to rekindle our love. Universe may you grant all of the lost souls on this forum the strength to battle this evil, and to rid themselves of this illness before it wreaks havoc in their lives, and above all their love lives. I ask you as a man who has lost the most beautiful thing you ever gifted me and squandered what everyone longs for, the unceasing love of a true love. Please universe grant these pleads, I beg of you. Amen.

My NOFAP friends, quit porn, go to your wife or husband, embrace them, and utilise their love in order to grow. Make their love your driving force to rid yourself of the worst illness humanity has ever manufactured. Rid yourself of porn before it's too late. If you don't, I assure you it will catch up to you someday, and it will destroy the most important thing in your life.

Love

Anewera

 

Thanks for reading and replying to my post. I have told her how much she means to me, I have laid everything out on the table multiple times, however, everything is still extremely raw and I don't think at this point she would be receptive to the offer of couples counselling. There were other toxic elements to our relationship rather than just porn use on my behalf relating to my own complexes and first I need to work through this in solitude. I just hope I have enough time by the grace of a higher power, so that I might untangle these knots while there is still a chance at saving this relationship.

I told her that I will fight for her forever, and I hope that through time, she remembers the beautiful aspects of our relationship rather than what our relationship became.

 

Thanks for reading and replying to my post !

As I mentioned in the comment above yours, I have already told my wife everything and I have swallowed the shame. It's terrible to tell someone we love that w have deceived them for an extended amount of time. However I have also reiterated how much she means to me, and how this whole situation involving our relationship is the biggest mistake of my life. Ive told her that I will fight for our love through work on my spiritual self, in therapy, and a positive mindset. There is much work to do as other parts of our relationship were dysfunctional contributed predominantly to by my porn use, but also through other complexes relating to life trauma.

Thats the pernicious thing about pornography, it isn't just the mere act of watching another woman an how that stirs up feelings of betrayal and abandonment in your partner, its how it affects your psychological state as a whole and exacerbates existing complexes. Erratic moods, distorted views on reality, diminished self confidence, paranoia, and so on, all of these symptoms of out of control porn use contribute to the overall destruction of a relationship and ultimately our ability to connect with ANYONE on a meaningful level.

I wish for you success in your journey, stay clean, and explore the beauty of your budding love, treasure her.

 

I truly hope so my friend, Ive been praying daily.

 

My brother, I plead with you, purchase the book "anger - by Thich Naht Hahn", no matter what belief system you are from, this book could save your life, and your relationship.

I cannot speak for you particular relationship, as each one is unique and individual. But if you have love, love is the most precious treasure in our lives. I cannot describe the pain and regret I am feeling as a result of the breakdown of my marriage. I have lost the only woman I want to spend my life with, there is nothing worse that you can lose. Sometimes it takes great loss to realise just how simple repatching a broken relationship would have been, if you love her, go to her and tell her compassionately how much you love her, listen to her silently and feel through her emotions as she tells you about her suffering, speak with compassion telling her that you know she suffers and you yourself suffer but that you will work to ease each-others suffering.

Like you with me, my prayers are with you

 

Dear friend, thank you for your heartfelt reply. I have been deep in a state of rehabilitation for the past few weeks. Of course as with any recovery there have been slip ups, but I am finally in therapy and have been practicing and reading about the buddhist philosophy of mindfulness.

I know that the road ahead of me is long because as you have rightly said, my addictions to sex and pornography are only the tip of the iceberg. This is what I have come to realise through the loss of my wife, my loss has been like waking up from a lifelong dream state, and now I am able to fully identify the complexes that have been working within me and sabotaging my life.

I have begged the universe to heal me, and they say that god works in mysterious ways, but the pain of realising that the only event that could possibly have woken me up from this somnambulistic state has been the loss of my wife, is excruciating.

If you are going through similar problems, I ask you to do one thing for this internet stranger, buy a second hand copy of "Anger - by Thich Nhat Hahn", no matter what belief system you are from, this book will heal and transform your life going forward.

 

Thank you my friend, I appreciate your prayers so much, and I will be sending equally positive energy your way

 

I agree, I know of people who are aware of their partner/spouses porn use, and have either accepted it or are at least compassionate about it. Addiction is extremely complex and I think much of society is aware of this and understand that shame is a driving factor behind why so many choose not to open up about addiction. Honesty, truth and sharing experiences, are vital components within the addiction recovery community and, I think it should go without saying, in any healthy relationship.

As I mentioned in my post, porn use was not the only contributing factor in the breakdown of my marriage, there were several factors which dovetailed and were cumulatively destructive.

 

Great and not so great at the same time @GeorgeJetson , my wife came to move all of her belongings from our home around a week ago, and to my absolute heartbreak, later that evening I found her wedding ring on my bedside cabinet. The following week was tough and set me back massively.

However, besides that Ive made huge progress in therapy and re-organising my mind and paving a way forward no matter the outcome with my beloved.

Ive realised that all I can do is become the absolute best version of myself, including but not exhaustively, quitting porn for good, reshaping my character to become more mindful, compassionate and understanding. By getting in the gym and working the hardest I ever have on my physique. To continue growing my business and improving my financial situation. To improve my social situation and widen my network. Hopefully eventually my wife will come to see my change, or feel it on some spiritual level, thats all I can hope for as at this stage her actions and decisions are out of my hands.

Now is the time to do everything that I should have done while we were in a committed marriage, and whether that paves a way into the future for me and my wife or means that I am a much better and individuated person in a future relationship, thats thee direction I want to move in, becoming a better person for myself and those around me.

Thanks for checking in and most importantly, how are you doing ?