PIED + relationship

Holy crap your girlfriend was only 90 pounds when you met and now you think she’s fat at 130? I mean is she 4 ft tall? Or do you have an attraction to young children? That is pretty damn skinny and 130 isn’t fat. Dump her now. Let her find someone who isn’t jerking off to fantasy’s and prefers a blow up doll. It’s crazy You need to ask if she’s the problem when you flat out say you’re more attracted to a blow up doll? Don’t you realize how messed up that is? Just let her go. Best thing that could happen to her. No that’s not normal, yes it is a consequence of pmo. I’ve been with my husband 36 years. I’m 40 pounds heavier than when we met. He is rock hard in bed and says he’s more attracted to me than ever. He’s 54! If he Pmo’s he ends up with Ed so he can’t have sex, if he doesn’t pmo then the sex is great.

 

If I continue to compare my wife to other women, then I will lose attraction towards her. It may not be immediate. While our relationship is new, she'll be able to arouse me. But not for long.

The best thing I have done for myself is to rule out all others. If I make my wife the only woman in the world, then she becomes the most beautiful woman in the world. In reality, many people intrinsically do that already. They continuously live each day never desiring someone else other than their loved one. And because of that, their desire towards their loved one never wavers.

For me, not only did I have to stop the porn, but I had to address the lust and fantasy that I was indulging in. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to give myself permission to check out various women around me without taking things to lust. I'm honestly that broken. But that's okay. If I don't give myself permission to look, I'm not going to lust. Same with media such as TV, smartphone, movies. I'm very careful of what I expose my eyes and mind to. And what I receive in return is a steady attraction towards my wife. That provides me the most pleasure and contentment with an abundance mindset.

 

The porn definitely did not help. I have been with my wife for over 15 years. I continue to find her very desirable and I greatly enjoy spending time with her.

Both are not ideal. Assuming your GF was at a healthy weight prior to gaining weight (which means that she is very short/petite), then the amount of the gain (nearly half of her prior weight) is significant and visually very noticeable. Is your use of porn and the comparisons you are making exacerbating your reaction? In my experience, definitely! Would her weight gain be a problem if you were not watching porn? Only you know the answer to that. Generally, I would say that large weight gain in one's partner is not seen as desirable.

This shows that you are currently very deep into porn and your thinking is very clouded. Use this low point as motivation to take steps to leave porn behind.

 

I think you start by no longer objectifing your girlfriend. You only talk about looks and sex in this post. If thats what's on your mind I think you need to STOP! You say she's supportive... What else do you love about her? If its just looks and sex that you care about then I'm sorry I agree with the other posters. This is not a foundation of a relationship that is healthy or will last.

I do think that is normal for PAs to objectify our SOs sexually because that's how we condition our brains while watching P. Just because it's normal does not make it right. And it needs to stop asap. If you expect your girlfriend to look the same as she does now forever you are in for a real surprise. I'm 34. My wife is 36, having kids definitely changes a woman's body but I have to say I am just as attracted to my wife now as I was when we were 24 and was even before I started my nofap journey. Yes she's gained weight,. But there's an emotional and spiritual intimacy that goes deeper than just what we find physically attractive.

Dude....... This isn't good. You need to do some deep soul searching and address this. Is who you want to be? Try and zoom out and think about how this looks from the outside. You are so fixated on your gfs physical appearance that you'd rather stare at other dudes having sex with women you will never meet. Pretending all the while you are them with a sex doll with the perfect ass? Now think of a woman's perspective... Do you think any woman is going to be attracted to that person? It's a horribly juvenile fantasy and as you've said you feel doomed. I don't think any adult woman wants to have sex with a man acting like a kid. Let this motivate you to stop. This is hard to do and it cannot be done without a lot of personal work and development, start by analyzing your thoughts and identifying what PMO is doing to you. Take a break from P and stop objectifying your gf.

Wish you all the best.

 

Did you say all of this to your gf? I would want to know if my person felt this way about me. This is her life and future we're talking about and she should get a fully-informed choice about who she shares herself and her time with and whether SHE would like to continue with someone who has had these thoughts and feeling about her. You're very concerned about whether her weight is causing her to be not good enough for you, but I see literally zero awareness that you might secretly be a person SHE would not choose to be with if you were honest with her.
Both of the men I married lied and hid and I did not get to know the reality of my life until after they had already gotten me pregnant. I would NOT have chosen to marry or have children with them. Now I have no choice. That choice was taken away from me by their lies and gaslighting and now I have a life and a relationship I absolutely would never have chosen for myself. Both of them robbed me of the opportunity to find someone I could have had a legitimately happy lifelong partnership with. Please don't do that to her. It's a crushing feeling.

 

Also, to add to that: if you just recoiled at the thought of telling her and cannot bring yourself to, that is a sign to just end the relationship. If you can't grant her the respect of an autonomous choice to stay with you or not, then the relationship is already over.

 

I wish more people understood this. If you have to lie, you don’t have the happy, loving, relationship you tell yourself you do.

 

"Quantitative changes eventually produces Qualitative effects"

Your problem is very simple: you have lost too much energy and are weakening from too much ejaculation. When you were younger and first met your girlfriend, you were still relatively younger than you are now, you had not lost as much energy from PMO and sex. But over these past years, the combination of sex and masturbating to porn has weakened you from the inside out. At first you were not affected, because the damage was not deep enough, and you were able to withstand it. Now, the qualitative effects are starting to happen, and you feeling the side effects of too much indulgence in sex.

You need to quit porn entirely. You should also detox from sex temporarily. You should tell your girlfriend that you have been masturbating too much, and that it is making you weak. You can still give pleasure to your girlfriend. I would recommend giving her oral sex and/or using your fingers to give her orgasms. Limit yourself to having an ejaculation with your girlfriend maybe about once every 10 days or once every two weeks. IF you can not have an ejaculation longer than that, great. But at least cut it down that much.

Also, I think you can become attracted to your girlfriend again. Also, quit playing videogames. Start exercising. Get gym membership. Also, if you start exercising and going to the gym then maybe your girlfriend will also like to go to the gym with you and it can become a new hobby for you both. Are you overweight? Are you in perfect shape? If you are not in perfect shape then you cannot expect your girlfriend to be in perfect shape. You must both achieve physical fitness together.

So your problem is that you are ejaculating too much and watching porn. This is affecting your physical body. There is no magic trick. There is nothing to figure out. This is a physical manifestation of overindulgence in sexual stimuli. You have burnt yourself out. Your body is trying to keep you from further harm by giving you a problem getting an erection. Your body is screaming at your to stop!

Anyways, you can easily fix this, all you must do is quit porn, masturbation entirely. Also, give your girlfriend orgasms but do not have any of your own, at least for a while so you can heal.

Your relationship isn't over. You are fine. Just make this minor adjustment. If you can succeed, you win back your health and your relationship. If you fail, you lose your health and your relationship. Its up to you now!

 

Ok, I am 45 yo, and exactly in the same case as you!! Indead, I never feelt attraction to her. At our relation beginning when we had sex always I thought porn scenes in my mind. And I thought could keep this all my life. But I feel very bad with myself all the time doing nofap or not. Because if do nofap, maybe it could mean never I will have sex anymore, and If do it, it means I have recurrent negative thinkings, energy loss, etc...).

And I don't want have sex with she never more and many times I fantasy buying a perfect sex doll or prostitutes, to leave her and replace her and try if it's better. Sex dolls seem perfects...

 

I'm going to challenge these lies. Lies. If we keep holding on to lies, then there is no hope for recovery. Telling ourselves that we're doomed to live a life of celibacy if we do NoFap is a recipe for failure. First of all, is celibacy so bad? Secondly, do we even know what sex really is? I can argue that many of us don't. Since all we know is porn, it keeps us from knowing what real sex is, and thus, it keeps us from enjoying it. We won't experience real sex until we do NoFap.

Let's look at all these men that are having all this sex with whoever or whenever they want. That's a small pool, but I'll ask, are they really happy? Having all this fun? I can assure you, they're not. Having a whole bunch of sex with a whole bunch of beautiful woman will not make us happy. It will lead to misery.

 

A sex doll. Do you even realize how screwed up that is? A sex doll. An inanimate object.

 

Yes! It creates the narrative that recovery is a punishment in the mind if the addict. Which keeps us from fixing the problem.

It's a fantasy to think that it's fun especially long term. Maybe in the moment. But I think it ends down the same path, a place we fear the most, where we ultimately are all alone.

 

This is not at all how I feel as far as sex dolls, prostitution, etc...

However I have also had the same feeling about nofap and fearing that it may still end up in a state of celibacy. Where I'm in a sexless prison.

What I'm finally realizing is that it's not the sex I crave the most. It's the acceptance and love of my wife. That is my deepest desire and even though I want sex. I can get this need met without sex.


That my biggest fear is being utterly alone with myself. I dont think I truly recognized this until I have seriously tried understing my P addiction.

If you don't feel this for your wife I suggest you do her a favor and leave. She deserves better.

 

I thought I'd add...

I'm finally realizing that it's not my wifes job to fill my needs. Sexual or otherwise. It's my job to meet my needs and take care of myself. To be a man worth sharing a life with. I've been so busy worrying about my own sexual desire and craving that I find I never realized that important fact.

Best wishes in your journey.

 

And that is responsibility! Put your oxygen mask on first.

 

I keep thinking of more of my internal struggle here to share. I hope it helps someone.

I've asked myself so many times. So how do I meet my own needs sexually without PMO or MO? This has been one of the hardest issues for me to deal with. It took an 11th time listening to No More Mr Nice Guy to realize... I can't.

What I truly was craving was love and approval from my wife. Something I can not get if I don't take care of myself first and be a man worth loving and approving of. I am the problem of my own story.

This is because as important as the act of sex is to me personally it isn't what I actually need. It's taken relapse after relapse for me to realize this. Feeling less loved more and more. I didn't realize I'm doing it to myself inadvertently. I finally realize it's not the dope surge that makes me feel loved. It's the relationship.

 

I can relate to everything that @lavandero shared. I commend his honesty, and I've done everything he has and more. Does my wife deserve better? Yes. But I'm glad I didn't leave her. For what? So I can pursue that hedonistic lifestyle that I entertained in my head for so long? Which I know would lead to misery? Or so my wife can attach herself to some other scumbag who's just as bad or worse than I am? Except this scumbag wouldn't be so stupid enough to let her go.

No. I'm glad I'm deciding to choose change.