Day 0 went well. But a small Change. First step of mine is to reduce binge after a relapse. Let me relapse again today/tomorrow i don't mind. but first i should not binge it. Day 1 Aim: stop the binge. Relapse every alternate day instead of everyday.
Day 0 Regret! Lots of negative emotions... Asking for mercy... Positives: I had another long streak. I'm looking forward to more days of freedom ahead. My streaks are consistently longer than they used to be. I'm on a journey of leaving this in the past (for the sake of love, and together with everyone else who is taking this same journey!)
Day 14 (my lucky number) of my 90 day challenge. Keep going everyone wherever you are in your journey. Getting to this forum is a big step in itself!
Venting: Just feeling sad, invisible and lonely. I'm not looking forward to the fact that my 36th birthday are a few months ahead and it feels like time is running past me. I know I'm still relatively young both in terms of age and physical health/appearence.. but still.. I used to be way more confident a couple of years ago and now this social discomfort makes me feel like a coward, more scared of life than death itself. If there's something I'm good at it's criticizing myself. I'm not usually like this but something has awakened within me and all these emotions comes to the surface. I usually don't feel that much. Probably numbness caused by this addiction. When I see well dressed young couples (everywhere I go) holding each others hands I just feel this deep sadness within me and I just want to get away from people and hide. Young men holding hands with gorgeous young blonde women in beautiful summer dresses makes me feel that climbing mount everest in shorts would be an easier task then getting a girl like that. Some of them look at me when I walk by and it feels like as if they're looking at a prisoner in a cell. Or maybe that's just the way my mind wants to believe. It just breaks my heart how this addiciton has kept me in a bubble all these years. A bubble that the outside world, the media and everyone else has told me was "normal" or "healthy", what a fraud, what a joke. The only place I can "talk" about this is on this forum. I grew up with only one (depressed) parent and the other one that actually gave birth to me didn't care the slightest. I wasn't even the 5th wheel. I was no one. Which is strange because I was a beautiful and smart young boy. I just don't understand and will never get the answers to why she never cared. At least not in this life. The only thing I can do about it now is to keep moving forward no matter how painful it is and hopefully loneliness will be replaced with confidence and happiness at some point along the road. I just wanted to get that out of me.
It's okay to not feel great. But depression is a choice and so is happiness. I can make the decision that - Okay, I'm not happy now but at the same time I'm not screw*d either. I am OK.
