Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 1396: 11/24/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Peace.
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Last night, we had a fairly decent time, we got to finally take a breathe and relax, generally speaking. He gave me a soothing trifecta as we listened to some nice music. We went to bed and both passed out rather quickly.

Today, we got the shopping we wanted to do yesterday - done. It was fairly empty at the store which was great, on so many levels. The rest of the day was reserved for cleaning and hosting a guest. My friend wanted to stop by before she has to return back to Georgia. We are going to be ordering some food, watching a comedy, and trying to have a drama-free, good time. This is the first time she would be meeting our little one, it should be fun for everyone haha. Tomorrow, I predict, will be a lot louder and possibly have some drama, but I hope not.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers while we were out.

 

Exactly, it is not just the P, but the feeling of being lied to for years. For trying to figure it out, but then being gaslighted to ultimately making the horrible discovery of the betrayal and the realization that it happened to you. The thoughts of "my life has been fake, I've been living in a lie this whole time".

I'm sending you a virtual hug, living in this state of crisis is very lonely and depressing, it feels like a horrible nightmare and trap. At least you have this little safe space on the web, venting helped me heal a lot. However, if my husband did not finally choose to go into recovery, I wouldn't have been able to heal. So you need to get to the point where you take a stand, for your own well-being. Have you confronted him?

 

DAY 1397: 11/25/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Wade.
2) Healing.
3) Family.
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Last night, after a long day of prepping our home, especially Wade; I appreciate all the difficult work he puts in, we had a fun and relaxing night. My old friend stopped by, we ate some yummy food and watched comedy's that all of us could relate to.

Today, I want to wish everyone a Happy, peaceful, and grateful Thanksgiving. I want to give a really big thank you to Wade, for his tireless effort into being an awesome host today. In a few hours, his family will be here and he is doing it all. He is an awesome cook, so I can not wait for all of those delicious noms! although I'm pretty sure it is going to cause me to cry tomorrow morning when I step on the scale. All I am hoping for is a peaceful gathering, no arguments or unnecessary drama, just a pleasant, fun, and plentiful time!

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling positive today, for countless things and that feels good.

 

DAY 1398: 11/26/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Sleep.
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Last night, we had a decent gathering. It was good because there was no drama/arguing, well not too much. My biggest issue was the volume, his brother and SIL do not control their kids and I felt like I was sitting inside a terrible two's daycare with 57 kids. Wade did it all and I appreciate all his hard work. By the end of the night, both of us were -out of it- but Wade and our eldest still found the energy to go at it for a few minutes, sigh. Anyway, let's just say the minute our heads hit the pillow, we were out.

Today, I woke up early and did not have the energy to work out, so I skipped it. Instead, I hopped on my PC to work on some photos and monitor some black Friday deals. I think today is going to be a day of R&R lol.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Gave myself a much needed break.

 

DAY 1399: 11/27/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a full day of decompressing, we continued that theme and just watched some TV, before heading to bed. Since our eldest went to a sleepover at my parent's place, we had the freedom to have some fun! which is always a nice treat.

Today, I got up a little later, but I still made myself do a workout. Afterward, we had planned on all going to iHOP because our little one loves it, but because our eldest had an issue in the middle of the night, Wade went with the little one and I stayed home with the older one. This kind of worked out for him though, because he wanted a father/daughter moment with her anyway. For the rest of today, I am going to take care of a few discrepancies, and then we want to do our family photoshoot at home... since we couldn't go on the cruise.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushed myself to workout again, even through pain and bloatedness.

 

DAY 1400: 11/28/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, my parents allowed both kids to sleep over. Wade and I had a whole night to ourselves, so we watched some tv and headed to ... BED lol we were both so drained from the last few days, that we couldn't even take advantage of both kids being out. Anyway, I'm glad Wade got some sleep, our neighbor was partying all night and it drove me nuts... I could not sleep.

Today, as little sleep as I got, I mustered enough strength to still get my workout in. Of course, I felt better right after but then shortly later I felt like crashing. Wade and I ran a few quick errands, luckily there were not a lot of people out. At home, we plan on having a lazy day and a day to play catch up.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Somehow I'm still functioning.

 

DAY 1401: 11/29/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, we skipped the trifecta because Wade was mentally exhausted, and I was tired from lack of sleep. Instead, we decided to watch a few episodes of 90 Day Fiance: The Single Life part 2. My friend let us 'borrow' her account because we could not find it on our own. Man did it deliver, what a train wreck!! just the stupidity/humor we both needed to mentally decompress.

Today, Wade and I ran a few errands. There was a possible trigger moment, but luckily when she turned around, the trigger build-up went away. We did talk about it on the drive home, which is nice - that we have the ability to be so open and honest with each other. After he made a yummy breakfast, we watched some funny shows. Soon, I'll be heading back to work, I'm almost done and then I can get back to watching some cyber Monday sales.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Worked out and I'm almost done with my work too.

 

DAY 1402: 11/30/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after working for hours, my back pain caused me to because delirious lol but Wade came to the rescue with his wonderful trifecta. Of course, it does not magically take away all of the pain, but it does really provide a lot of relief. We watched some TV and then went to bed.

Today, I got up early, finished my workout, and then got right back to work. I am so happy Wade is still home, not having to deal with the morning hustle with the kiddos gives me more time to work. Unfortunately, that will end soon, but I need to take advantage of it while I can. Now, he is running errands and I am going back to work, after this quick journal break.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Worked out through the pain.

 

DAY 1403: 12/01/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Caffeine.
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Last night, Wade tried to alleviate my pain with his trifecta and it felt really good. We watched a little TV and went to bed. I've been having a tough time sleeping, even worse than usual, it might be the stress.

Today, I was in too much pain to work out and normally I would try and push myself, but I can not risk not being able to work. I went right back to work, they sent me a lot and all at once. Wade went to the stores himself and it's funny, but both of us felt like something was missing lol it was cute and shows just how connected we are. Okay, back to work!

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Not shaming myself for not working out today.

 

Of course, I get it, it really does mean so much when someone else knows exactly how you feel, it adds so much more weight to everything!

Man, oh man, this is all too familiar. The gaslighting with PA's is like a sport, it's always the same game plan. Le/Manipulate: Deny > Victim blame. I am so sorry you are stuck in this loop at the moment, I hope you find a way out of it asap. I will say that I am glad you found this place and realize that you are not the "crazy" one, that this is all on him and his actions, that what you are feeling is real and not your fault or "only in your head". You are not alone and this forum will give you that validation and help you feel, a little less lost and alone.

Wow, very wise words from your kid! but it's true though... unfortunately, there is nothing you can personally do that will change his behaviors or his outbursts (acting out). Forcing him to do anything, well, it's just not the same. I remember when I told my husband that he wasn't romantic or doing anything to show me any affection, so he started buying me 1 flower a week, it was a nice gesture but it is not the same as him just doing things because HE thought of me and wanted to do them. Until he realizes he has a problem and begins recovery, he will not be able to show any true affection or connection toward you, sadly. Right now, he is acting out, most likely because he feels that you are on to him and that is making him both pissed and fearful. It's difficult for me to explain, maybe my husband @Wade W. Wilson could chime in from the form PA's perspective on this.

I completely understand, I was not working (much) after being laid off, had two kids, and was totally dependant on him financially. However, I was beyond miserable, depressed, and "alone", but after 12 years of being stuck in this never-ending cycle, I finally got to the point of "enough, is enough > I deserve better". I was willing to risk the uncertainty, because how long is long enough to be completely unhappy? I confronted my husband, although it took 12 years I finally did and it has proved to be the best decision I made. I told him that I was done, that we would just playhouse until our eldest got into HS and then I'd be out. I said to him, he can do whatever he wants at this point; ie: make changes or continue with his PA, because I'll be working on myself, for once. I began taking care of myself, mental and physical health, looking for jobs and no longer worrying about his PA or who he's ogling, etc. To my surprise, he decided to join this site and begin recovery, real recovery, not just talk/fake promises like in the past. I suggest, if you are not ready to really confront him, just ignore him and his outbursts, focus on yourself and kids only. For me, my morning routines are everything: I get up early, drink my pre-workout, do a workout (I was so lazy before, so this is a big deal for me these days), shower and then get on my computer, and handle what I need to while I get the kids ready for school.

My day is all right, mostly because I have a lot of work to get through! overall my loneliness has passed, but that is only because I began working on myself and my husband changed due to his recovery, he is now a new man. Everything is different for us now and I never ever saw this coming, not with him at least.

No need to apologize!!!!!!! you can write as much as you need to in my journal, I don't mind at all. In fact, perhaps our exchanges could help someone else, so it is never a problem.

I am wishing you a brighter day! <3

 

DAY 1404: 12/02/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after working the entire day at my desk, Wade gave me another super soothing trifecta, then we continued watching some TV before I headed to bed. It was bittersweet because Wade had to return to work, so the bed was a lot colder! :-(

Today, I pushed myself to work out because I know I will have to take a break next week. Then, after situating the kids, I went right back to work. I really have to hustle today because in the evening I have a contrast MRI and that will kill hours that I could normally be working. My client sent me a ton to do and in a short time, which I hateeeeee, I much prefer batch by batch over two weeks. Anyway, back to work ya'll.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Worked out, although I had plenty of excuses not to.

 

DAY 1405: 12/03/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) School.
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Last night, after a longggggggggg afternoon of getting my MRI done, once we finally got home, you guessed it... I went back to work. After that, Wade gave me a calming trifecta, then we watched some TV, and I went to bed.

Today, more... work, work, work... not much else going on, oh and plenty of uncertainty swirling around in my head too. FUN TIMES.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Not shaming myself for my stress-weight gain.

 

DAY 1406: 12/04/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) YouTube.
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Last night, after another really lonnnngggg lonnnnggggggggggg day working, Wade helped relieve some pain with his trifecta. Then we watched a little TV before I went to bed and he left for work.

Today, I skipped my workout, my body is in too much pain in so many areas, I can't even pick just one between working and the MRI (laying straight on my back). I do hate skipping, especially because I have to skip another week soon, but it is out of my control now. I feel bad for all of the weight gain I foresee due to this, plus I have my annual soon and it will be so bad, ugh. Anyway, I have to get back to work, but I am glad I have YouTube, because today I learned about a new brush that I never used before, it was updated in the latest edition of PS and so far has helped me with wrinkles quite a bit!

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Still open to learning new techniques.

 

DAY 1407: 12/05/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Almost Done.
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Last night, Wade gave me another wonderful trifecta, I felt so many different spots radiating lol. Then, we watched some TV that cracked us up until it was bedtime for me.

Today, I got up and jumped right back into working. The little one kept me 'entertained' for a bit while I worked her stories and singing, which after a while gives me a headache. Anyway, now, I am mostly done with the biggest tasks, I have to refine what I've already worked on. I hope I find a good method and finish this asap, I am tired and in so much pain.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Keeping my chin up, even under so much mental and physical stress.

 

DAY 1408: 12/06/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Break from Work.
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Last night, after a full day of work, Wade made it better by capping off my day with a soothing trifecta. We watched some TV before I went to bed and he left for work.

Today, I woke up without having to rush onto my Mac and continue my work, which did feel good. Since I have to wait to hear back from the client, I wanted to take advantage of the day and perhaps have a lunch date with Wade. Unfortunately, our little one woke up with a sore throat and that changed our plans. It was off to the doctors for Wade and I sat at home trying to learn about investing. Thankfully the doctor called back and said she just has a post-nasal drip, so maybe we will do something nice for dinner instead. **Hopefully without the added bonus of triggers.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Although my plans got side-swiped, I am still trying to find the bright side.