Divorce

BTRCG · Jun 23, 2019

Hi all,
I haven’t been on this site for about six months.

My husband has done very little to recovery. He’s been in recovery for almost two years. Two SA groups and a men’s group every week. We’ve been in couples counseling for a year. He still has no remorse or empathy for the trauma he has caused me and we never could address it in therapy as he always put the focus on him. In two years, he’s had one slip and a four month relapse, while lying to me when he did check-ins. He has blamed me for the slip and relapse. We have had some really bad arguments especially when I’ve been triggered (at home). We have called each other bad names. He has been sarcastic, blames me, and even asked why I don’t see the humor in this situation. I wrote my long story about a year ago on this site but deleted it.Too gross to repost about his acting out and porn.

All that to say, I have stood by him for two years, and now he’s divorcing me because he says I’m “emotionally abusive” to him when I rage and have flashbacks.

Then he says that if I want a divorce, I should file, when I never said I wanted one. Then he said he has second thoughts because he still cares and wants to make the marriage work. Then he admitted twice that in reality, his sponsor told him I should file
because as a recovering addiction, if he files, it looks like he’s taking the easy way out. Um, yeah!

I am agreeing to the divorce, I just would like some feedback from SA’s and Partners.

Thanks

Hros · Jun 23, 2019

Sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time. Why does it sound to me like his sponsor is doing more than just sponsoring and goading your husband into divorce?

BTRCG · Jun 29, 2019

Hros, thanks for your reply. Now the excuses for the divorce are our personalities clash ( after 25 years), my emotional abuse and he doesn’t love me anymore.

Lostneverland · Jun 30, 2019

I’m not aware of the entire story/history...but your post of June 22,2019 sounds like solid grounds to me. I guess what I’m saying is honesty is the best policy.
Betrayal trauma hurts and when the one who loves feels no remorse it’s like adding salt to the wound.
Prayers being sent your way.

TheMightyQuinn · Jun 30, 2019

It kinda sounds like his entire SA program is dysfunctional at best. A sponsor should never give marriage counseling advice. My sponsees always want to talk about their wives and I tell them to "call your therapist and how's the step work going?".

I'm sorry your spouse has not developed the capacity for empathy. I'm sorry for him for that too.

As an experience, divorce sucks. Been there. I'm an SA who initiated it. Never slammed my ex-wife though. I just wanted out for my own personal reasons. Taking the long view, though, a door closes, another door opens. It is a time of great loss. Most of the grieving for me was what they call grieving the "dream" of the marriage, not necessarily the reality of it. But it is also a time of great growth. It's a time for you to focus on you and your needs as well as that of your children if you have any. In this time, if you pay attention, you will really get to see who you are and who your partner is. People's true nature tends to emerge. There is an old cynical saying: "If you really want to get to know someone, break up with them".

Best to you. Take care of yourself. Take the high road at every opportunity but always stick up for yourself.

Best,
-Quinn

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Divorce

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