Hello all a little about me and my relationship I am 32 and my wife is 30 we have been together since high school. She is the only person I have ever had sex with she has been with several other guys sexually.For the past several years our sex life has declined but over the past year or so has been almost non existent. Because of this my masturbation and porn viewing has increased. I have looked at porn every since l have had access to the internet. It has never been so much of a problem that it rules my life or takes president over anything in my life. I have talked to my wife about our sex life and how I want it to be better and have sex frequently. I enjoy sex and the emotional connection it gives you to your SO. Every time I bring up sex there is always an excuse as to why she doesn’t want to or can’t have sex. I want to stop looking at porn because of the effects it has on my my brain and some of the stuff I have gotten off to genuinely embarrasses me and afterwards have even felt sick to my stomach. On the flip side what am I to do my body and mind need that sexual release I don’t want to cheat on her and I am just tired of looking at porn but I feel like I need the physical and emotional parts of sex to get me away from porn. Any advice would be helpful.
I think it's great that you're taking the intiative to work on improving your sex life with your wife. Can I ask if you were PMO'ing at all prior to when your sex life declined so much? Or, you only started that during the past year? I think it might be helpful to get out of this mindset. I understand you want the sexual release and that's ok. But, you don't need it. No one ever died because they didn't watch P or M. Have you asked your wife if there's anything she's aware of that makes her less interested in sex? Have you talked to her about how she feels about it, or do you just express your frustration at the lack of it?
I feel your pain my friend. I too have struggled with my wife's sex drive ranging from low to no-existent over the last few years. In my case it has a lot to do with pregnancy and having little kids. Anyway, here are my thoughts: 1 - Stop using her lack of interest as an excuse for Porn and Masturbation. It isn't going to help anybody, in fact it will just make your situation worse. 2 - Find a healthy outlet for your sexual frustration. The gym is a popular solution. Other things that have worked for me are gardening, hobbies, and service in the community. 3 - Once you have got your issues with porn, etc. under control then try to approach her about counseling or couples therapy. 4 - Find the other good traits of your relationship. Focus on those things. Sex with your SO can help you through the recovery process, but it can also have significant drawbacks (chaser effect being the biggest one). Finally, there is tremendous power in YOU being the one to decide that you are pausing your sex life. I know what it is like to feel helpless, worthless and extremely depressed when my wife constantly rejects me. When we recently went through a prolonged dry stretch, I told her that I was going to make the decision to stop asking her and stop trying to initiate for a while until we were both ready. By making it my choice while we went through that time, I was able to stabilize myself emotionally instead of spiraling off into depression. This is a real struggle. But it is an opportunity to reveal who you truly are. Are you an honorable man who turns his pain into something good? Or are you a good man who is able to bury his pain in innocuous hobbies and harmless pastimes? Or are you going to choose the dishonorable route and use PMO to mask your pain, allow that to escalate to infidelity (or worse) and lose everything you hold dear?
I'm 18 but I'm VERY understanding and my friends call me a therapist. Do you know why she doesn't want sex? Is there tension like fighting/arguing lately? Do you suspect she is cheating or does she think that YOU are cheating, maybe she is tired if the same routine of sex? (That's not always the case but definently a possibility) do you go down on her and all of that as much as you used to? Most importantly is she feeling loved and fully happy in life? If she is depressed it can cause low sex drive or even sexual dysfunction in both men and women
Good advice. You are not alone in this, several of us in the same place..... Myself as one. Does you wife know about the porn... is it one of the issues? See my journal for some more advice, as given to me. The biggest advice is to separate the issues of your porn use and your wife's libido...... Deal with both but separately.
When guys first get with a girl we do all these nice little gestures to make her happy in the hope we get laid. Then as time goes on we forget about the nice gestures and just want to roll over and have sex at night. Try bringing the romance back. Some ideas. 1. Buy some massage oil and give her a long full body massage but dont do anything sexual. Just massage her muscles and tell her you love her. Then when its done dont say anything about sex. Just kiss her on the forehead and tell her you hoped she enjoyed it. 2. Without notice or discussion tell her to put on a nice dress because your taking her to a nice restaurant. 3. Take her on a date shes never been on before. 4. Randomly buy her nice flowere for no reason. All these things seem simple and childish but as the song goes "girls just wanna have fun". Bring something fresh into the relationship like you did when you first dates and the sex will come.
You may have your understanding of causality backwards. Perhaps it is your use of porn that is causing your lack of sex life. If you watch porn, then your own appetite and willingness to pursue sex will be lessened. If you are taking the easy option and choosing pmo, then you are not wooing your wife. You are also conditioning yourself to seek out the specific acts and approaches to sex depicted in porn. All the while, your wife is probably aware, on at least some level, that you are seeking sexual release elsewhere, and the way that you approach sex probably serves as a reminder of this. You tell your wife that you want sex more, but are you making more of an effort to show her how attractive she is? How close to her you feel? How much you want to please her? Or are you trying to communicate with her as if she is a search-bar on a tube site, expecting her to deliver on your own fantasies and demands without consideration of her own arousal patterns, desires or preferences? Porn lacks the things that make sexual intercourse with a loving partner so amazing: being loved, being desired and feeling close to another while also vulnerable. Porn can never love you, it has no desire for you and an emotional connection is impossible. It is an empty experience to release dopamine. Cut it out of your life. Make an effort to show your wife how important she is to you, make her feel special, and stop pressuring her to live up to expectations she may feel unable to meet. Porn always leaves you feeling as though you need more, because it is such an empty experience. With porn out of your life, you will appreciate the sex that you and your wife have, much much more. You will be more present. Without the influence of porn and its focus on the male's pleasure, you will be less selfish and more generous. Your wife will be more appreciative, she will enjoy herself more. You will have sex more often because you will both enjoy the sex more. You will connect. Your current line of thinking leads to a potentially dangerous solution. "I'm not having enough sex, so I'm justified in PMOing because at least then I'm not cheating". Wrong. You will remain addicted, your problems will escalate, and if it hasn't been made clear enough within this forum already: most women consider porn use in a relationship to be cheating. Using porn is what leads to this 'never quite enough' mentality around sex. Because porn never is enough. Stop PMOing, start to be present in your partnered sex and just appreciate it. Do what you can to be the best lover. You are not consuming sex, you are participating in it. As a more present, more generous, and more emotionally vulnerable and available partner, the sex will be much better for your wife and she will seek it out more. I used to seek out a specific type of porn because I felt that I wanted more of that specific act in my partnered sex life. This was a crappy excuse to PMO and it made me no happier: I still didn't get what I really wanted. I was seeking out an easier, emptier and more damaging version of it out of cowardice and shitty logic. Now I watch no porn, and the frequency of sexual interactions involving this act has shot up: both overall and as a percentage of our interactions. Not because I have asked for it (though honest and open communication is important) but because I am making my wife's needs more of a priority. I am doing all that I can to be the best lover I can be, and so is she. I should clarify/emphasise that this is an act that my wife is, and always has been, comfortable taking part in. Some of the stuff I sought in porn (due to escalation) would not be healthy to invite into our relationship and I am happy to leave that in my past. Again, the reason for seeking out the more extreme stuff in P is due to its inherent insufficiency when it comes to making you feel fulfilled. That comes from feeling loved, feeling desired, and emotional closeness. It comes from loving, partnered sex. You won't get that when you are always demanding, requesting, or expecting more. Be more. That is something you have control over.
I’m 29 and my wife is 30, and we have two kids below the age of 4. This has been a good thread for me as well. Ever since my second child was conceived a year and a half ago, our sex life has been completely non-existent. I’ve struggled with the same exact thing the OP has and I’ve felt hopeless lately.
Be honest ... are you thinking about P while you are having sex with your wife? You are distant and you aren't engaging with her, while using her physically. She is aware of this, it's not as enjoyable as it should be. Giving up P is your first step. In some ways it is easier to do this when you are abstinent from sex too (hard mode reboot). Shy_1990's suggestions are great when you are ready to start seducing your wife again (don't rush, just enjoy being together and the pleasure she gives you in other ways).
