I suck

Trust me, there's no such thing as "getting it out of tour system" whenever porn is concerned. He needs to think along the lines of "that was the last porn I've watched in my life. That life is over now and there's absolutely nothing I can do to relive it."

And please understand that the concept of expectations you have is most misplaced on this guy. He's weak-minded, I see, but it's also related to the fact that since you essentially gave him a "free-ticket" to porn in that conversation, his addicted mind will definitely make the most of it and milk it for absolutely all it's worth.

You can, however, use this experience as a metric of just how addicted he is to that habit. A counsellor is always an option

But the thing i want to make clear here is that you should be completely open with him in terms of your expectations. Don't sit there in the office feeling all sorts of toxic emotions at his actions at home. Take the inner minset to the dinner table or sofa and have a nice talk with him on the matter.

He is your husband after all- if you can't put it all out in front of him, who else do you have?

 

You are not your addiction. There is a life outside habit and addiction. Addiction takes a little longer to cure than habit. It takes 30 days to form a new habit, addiction usually stronger or lesser with influence but can take normally longer to rid.

Must put filters on all your devices. If using iPhone, set adult content to limit content in settings and screen time. This eliminates 65% of the problems. Sometimes he will need to relapse between streaks in order to get better, like chess, you lose and learn n get better each time.

Foreplay is recommended before sex. I’m no therapist but a virgin, but try giving him some kisses and hugs to stimulate him.

It’ll work in time. He needs to replace his porn with constructive action. Doing things. The semen retention should help him gain energy.

He or you also need to read two recommended books. Your brain on porn by Gary Wilson , and fortify the fighters guide to fighting porn by the Author “fight the new drug”. Once the books explain to you what’s causing his problems and behaviour you’ll be in a better position to understand and move forward a step at a time.

 

You don't suck and you are not stupid. This is his problem and he is dragging you down with it. If he doesn't want to face it there isn't anything you can do, it sucks and hurts. Please try to remember that the decision to PMO has always been his and his alone. You didn't let him or give him the OK to do it. And even if you did it is still his choice, addiction or not he always has a choice. Until he wants it will be an issue, and it sounds like he isn't there. I don't know if he will ever be, he needs to face it, all of it. If he can not face the damage he has caused I'm afraid he will keep failing. It took my BF 15 years to face it. I couldn't do it all over again. It is coming up on a year and he says he has had no relapses, I do believe him because I can see changes. But no PMO is just the beginning, there is so much other work to do some days it is so draining.
He needs help, he needs support. From you of course but also from an outside source. Very few can face this alone and beat it. He needs to face and own it. If he can not or will not do these things you are in for a long painful road, I'm sorry. Remember to take care of yourself.

 

No. Most definitely not. That's not how de-addiction works.

That's nonsense OP. The mindset he needs is that he's done with that life and NEVER going back.

If he relapses, that's not to be treated as a good thing; rather as an acceptable stumble. He must feel guilt and strengthen his resolve for the next fight. Nobody is perfect, so relapses are nigh-impossible to avoid, but the mindset regarding them should have no grey area.

 

Its not his fault, neither is yours.
Did he read the 'getting started with nofap' ? It helped me a lot to deal with urges. Make him join this forums too. So he can write how/why he relapsed and everyone can help him.

 

1. That's not your fault.
2. That's true FOR HIM but only because his addiction is distorting his taste in women.
3. That statement is falsifiable the instant he enters recovery and his mindset shifts towards normalcy.

 

in Good time. Time is a healer. Get reading the books you can pick em up on eBay cheap or download from kindle. Porn is a game about lust and money and who can bang who’s wife or sister. It draws you in to a world of numbness and impairment impairing the decision making process along the way.

It also results in loss of emotions and humour. I stopped laughing last week after checking out scantily clad women on a newspaper website. I felt depressed next day. My current streak is 245 days by the way and my brain can really feel it.!

Lust is attractive that’s why it lures you in it plays on your mental weaknesses to be specific the pre frontal cortex of your brain lobe At the front. We live in a society plagued by lust. Gemini character and attitude (I’ll fuck you all) and feminism (worship of the sexualised feminine) is responsible for this.

Don’t delay start setting up those filters immediately tell him about this forum set a day counter and work with him.

Have a good talk with him before you decide to let him embark on the nofap journey. Get the two books OMG I’m telling you you have to get it it will change your life when you discover the science of what PMO does to a person. It’s a drug like no other it’s very powerful.

Once his spiritual vision n senses are restored he will see you in a beautiful light. It usually takes about 90-365 days. 90 days is just a target for most on here but the struggle continues beyond that.

 

I know a lot have responded but I want to put in my two cents.

As Ghostwriter said, that is an enabling behavior, although I am wondering if you were just trying to test him (which hey, I have done to my husband many times, just not with PMO). Never give an addict a free pass. The thing is, an addict will always take the free pass when they are in their addiction.

This is why I think you tested him with the free-pass, you wanted to see where he was at. And to try to put a positive spin on this, you have now learned exactly where he is in his addiction - He is an active addict in the fog still hooked. At least you now know.

See this is not good. For a while after DDay once I knew how my husband was PMOing (in the morning, shower), when he would get up in the morning I would have panic/anxiety attacks and wouldn't be able to sleep and sometimes would burst into the bathroom crying expecting him to be acting out. That was in the first 3 months post DDay. To this day there are mornings I cannot sleep because of the anxiety. But, one thing that is essential... Boundaries and Consequences. Have you done those yet? If not, @GhostWriter is a great resource for that, he has a thread on it, and so does @Kenzi.

You can tell your guy that if he PMO's he has to sleep on the couch, or if he PMO's he can move out, etc. You can set consequences if he breaks boundaries, that's a healthy thing to do.

I second this. In the very beginning I was exhausted trying to figure out my husbands every move. 2.5 years in I don't check on him, I barely know what he does, and I just have to accept that he is an adult and he will choose to be faithful/healthy or he will choose to destroy himself and our family. It's a tough pill to swallow.

 

I will agree with others on this: when it comes to Porn, there's no "getting it out of your system." There's no great relief that comes from doing it the last time. In fact, each time you do it, you'll get less and less rewards, and you'll just feel worse and worse every time. And it'll just make it harder to quit later on.

 

@Londonc01 as I read through this I could see similarities to myself. It took me a long time, too long to realise I was addicted. I would try each time as you say your H is and promise the world but would slowly slip back to old habits. Since my last D day, not that long ago in that I have been addicted for 30 years + in some form or another. I can tell you listen to @AnonymousAnnaXOXO & @GhostWriter they along with others on here helped my wife get my arse into line. I have a list of boundaries and consequences to those which GW helped my SO put together. I can tell you I thought he was a hard bastard as they are difficult at first to accept and follow as the addicted brain pushes back. Slowly though I have realised the difference between what my rational brain is thinking to the addicted brain and accept fully my boundaries, and new ones as more issue surface. Life is so much better for me now and my last slip also made me realise even though I didn't actively look for the P I seen it and I didn't stop looking. I then lied about it but was so remorseful my wife instantly knew I had done something even if the P was minor the lie was not at all acceptable and I had a consequence of this which I accepted and learned from.

Just being on this site and reading what I have done in the way of trauma to my wife and can see it is a real thing with so many other SO's going through the same thing. I could never have started this recovery just to please my wife, I had the realisation that I had a problem and I wanted it gone for both of us but mainly me. I think my biggest thing was when I started to think it is not losing looking at P but all that I was gaining by not looking at P. My life is so much better now I have actively started to do everything but look and think about P. I even say to my wife its ironic the only time I really think of P is when I'm on here. I have more energy, look better, am more confident, can think at lot clearer, my feelings are more intense and I am so appreciative of my SO for all she has endured and is still with me that it would be devastating to us both if I went back to my old ways.

What I am trying to say is ask him to get him on here and read the post of long timers who are in active recovery and the SO's on here who are struggling like yourself. You cant force him, I know as the addicted mind will push back, he has to want it, he has to have his mindset changed. "Your Brain on Porn" is a great read as a starter to realise this, it is not him but the addiction that is controlling his thoughts. Does he want something else controlling him? I know I didn't I want my own control and I want to live a better life which is why I am here.

Good luck on your journey, you are a wonderful caring person for staying with you partner though this but don't let him take advantage of you, get hard on his arse, he will appreciate it in the future as I do. Also you do not suck!

 

@GhostWriter
as are
the best teachers
and sponsor’s.

 

A lot of negotiations are successful when at the edge.

You may need to stay at the edge in your boundaries with him, BUT find peace of mind and comfort for yourself and validation with the SOs here.

Hope you can find your inner equanimity knowing you are doing the right thing for yourself with your boundaries. That doubles as the right thing for the PA.