Here I go again!

50+ male here... on/off porn/prostitutes/masturbation right now. Been on/off porn my entire life. It does what it promises. It FEELS good! Then it becomes not enough, then I'm cruising the streets looking for a dirty streetwalker in need of a quick twenty bucks, then back to the computer for another round of PMO. A very clearly defined addiction.

I know when I stop PMO that everything else settles way down to nearly nothing. The desire for sexual acting out is still in there though. It all smolders slowly, carefully and with cunning purpose. It knows it can flame up at any given time. The energy that keeps it at a low smolder are all of those childhood wounds that must be continually healed and addressed.

I do well for a while, then I tap into a "little bit" of porn. That little bit of porn is like gas fumes to the smoldering fire in there. It takes a little while, but the flames will start and the next thing I know I have a burning inferno in there and I'm back cruising the streets with my 20 dollar bill in my shirt pocket.

It's all extremely dangerous and I do NOT want to be this person. I don't like it. Then, I end up in the ever so infamous perpetual brain fog. Daily responsibilieties start to slip, I forget things, I don't want to do anything. I could sit and stare at a wall and be content. It's not a good place for me to be.

It's time for me to go nofap and dry out and re-focus and to be a better person today.

I'll call this day one!

 

19Conquer! Thank you so much! The words are good to hear! I need to get my fog cleared and get my brain back!!! Today will be day 1...

 

Day 2! I already feel the sense of more motivation! I can feel like I "want" to do certain things. I also know that I could VERY VERY VERRRRRYY easily derail that thinking! I'm staying focused and I will start day two strong!

 

Day three! I already feel much better. I have started little "mini" workouts here at home, I started reading a real book that I have been meaning to finish for MONTHS. I'm doing a lot of other things, more motivated, much more clear in terms of getting things done that need done and have needed done.

It's really impressive what PMO takes from you! I have a significant sexual addiction history as you can see from my fist post. Through a lot of therapy and meetings I was able to stop a lot of that behavior. To think that "a little bit of PMO is ok and won't hurt anything" is completely wrong and I know this. That's the disease, the sickness the addiction kicking in and working it's cunning and baffling magic in my brain. I am an addict to this. I simply cannot live my life with PMO. Period. Slowly, but very surely, it eases me down onto a drag strip, with my wheels in full spinning motion at about 9000rpms... once I am set on that strip, I will spin for a while and then off I go! Blazing down that drag strip... blazing through prostitutes, massage parlors, hard, heavy twisted porn, more and more and more and faster and faster... all with no parachute! I also blew out the brakes! There's a solid brick wall at the end! Oh it's a fun ride... but at the end... KaBOOM!!!!! it's all over! And all for what?? a 2.7 second run??? Wow! THAT is what porn WILL do to me! This time, PMO got me to the point to where I was about to be set down onto that drag strip...wheels spinning! NOPE! Not happening. Thank GOD!


Today, I am PMO free for these three days and my wheels have stopped spinning. I feel great! Life is good today. As time goes on PMO free, I will leave the raceway completely.... but I will never forget where it is and that's a good thing, because I do not want to go back to that place!

Staying strong!

 

Wrapping up another good day! I went out and about a bit today to run a few short errands. What a difference!! I was able to easily "turn away" from looking at every breathing female that came within 6.2 miles of me! I noticed them, yes, but I was salivating like a dog in heat. I was able to actually "comfortably" park in a large lot with many people milling around and not worry about other "people" and/or what they were doing. I was able to walk into the store, obtain my items, pay and exit as "normal." I had no long detours following people, no going down random asailes to look or follow females. Again, I noticed them, but it was much much easier to catch myself and just "move on!" It was a great feeling and most of all I survived! I did not die because I didn't lust over every living female I found even remotely attractive. It was a good day!

Moving into day 4 soon!

 

Day 4! Here I am! Woke up, showered, coffee.... met a friend for breakfast, came home started and finished laundry, pre-packed for an upcoming 7 day trip to the beach, packed for my week out of town this week, loaded my truck, made more coffee, set up a meet halfway through my 3hr drive today to sell an item I had for sale on line; that's all set. Headed down to get a haircut and then hit the road!

Now THAT is some CRAZY shit! There is NO WAY I would have done ANY of that.. 4 days ago in my PMO! NO WAY!

Life is good! Day 4 here we go!

Rock on!

 

Wow!! Her it is day five or six. I’m using my phone this am and can’t see the counter but I think it’s the beginning of day 6.

An overwhelming wow! I feel crazy amazing. The amount of focus and motivation I have is remarkable! I’m driving to my work today going through some other things I need to do today and remembering not to forget to do them if that makes sense!

I must also mention that it’s not all roses!
I caught myself looking and lusting over women I came across on you tube and also a few out and about in a grocery store yesterday. I was able to catch myself and stop my thinking and change my view and thoughts, but it was not easy! I did do that though so at least I was aware.

I’m going into work today to do some teaching. I must stay focused!

Stay strong everyone!

 

this counter thing is retarded as it does not have the right amount of days and despite WHAT I change it to, it does it's own thing. Whatever.... I'm clean today! All good. I can feel some pull today though. Pull to look, lust and flirt overtly with whomever I identify in "my mind" as a vulnerable target! See.... I rationalize in my addict mind that "hey! since I'm not doing PMO I can do THAT!" HOLY SHIT what a cunning baffling little fucker this disease is! yikes! Nope... I am staying strong and solid. So far so good! Going to go out an find some dinner and stay clean!

 

ok, so I gave up on the counter deal.... I think it was just ME! LOL! ME wanting to have one more day because that's what it felt like!

Either day... today is day 5 like the counter says. Yes, day 5. So far so good... do draw to porn and I'm doing well there. Or am I??? I've been having some euphoric recall over live encounters I've had in the past. Also, euphoric recall over "how" I manipulated those in the past, all stuffed into my brain as I interact today with what I would consider emotionally vulnerable women/girls. Those that my devious addict mind knows that I would enjoy attempting to manipulate into me "getting" them or winning the big "prize!" I wanted to do this, but I WAS able to stop the thoughts and move forward and LEAVE that alone in my head and in my real life interactions today. I think this is the left over "shit" from all the porn.... it sits subdued, wanting to slither out in any way it can.

I got this, no PMO today no PMO tonight... going into day 6!

Stay strong