Short synopsis of my story: Married for 7 years. Wife recently learned about my addiction and was crushed. I did not quit, she got discouraged, wife had very heated 2 month affair. Wife and I are reconciling. I have a very high sex drive and brought some of my addiction into bedroom making wife feel cheap and used prior to and during affair. A couple times actually resulted in her in tears after. We tried reconnecting sexually post affair, sex was great and full of passion but realized we don't and haven't really made love in our marriage and we are devoid of intimate connection. Trying 90 days PMO to rekindle intimacy. I have begun to notice she tenses when I put my arms around her or go to kiss her on the cheek. She says she has been doing that for a while I just had never noticed. Oral with me makes her nauseous and nervous even though she gave it to her affair partner. All symptoms of her prior abuse at my hands. My questions are to any spouses who have went through anything similar. I will never be a source of pain for my wife like that again. I want her to find comfort and protection in me. What does she need from me in the days, weeks, months to come to help her heal from the wounds I have caused and feel safe?
I would suggest calm conversation and listening to what she has to say and how she feels. Also maybe some gentle intimacy without sex. Holding and touching, connecting on a deeper level. I wish you both the best.
Hey man, welcome to NoFap community. Sorry to hear about your situation, but it great that you found NoFap I hope it will help you, it did help me. What helped me to get the intimacy and connect with my wife was talking to her every night. It gotta be an honest talk from both sides. When we started talking we did it for 15-20 min and then it progressed to hours-long conversations. In the begging she didn't talk too much, it was mostly me talking. When she saw I am being open and reaching out to her she started to open up a little too. I think we really got connected and got this amazing intimacy that we have now after my full disclosure, which took me over a month to get there and tell her my deepest and darkest secret. I never planned to tell her that or anyone as a matter a fact, also she would never found out. Me telling her something like that showed her that I am fully committed to this recovery and her, that I do not want to live in a lie and I want to be honest with her no matter what. That night we talked for about 5 or 6 hours, but after that, we both felt relieved and more connected. Following the next few days, she had a lot of questions about my disclosure and tried to be as honest as could, some of those questions made me really think, cause I really never thought about it. When I did what I did I just put it away on the top shelf in the darkest closet and never wanted to think or talk about it. I think after that night we got even closer and more intimate. It's been over six months and we talk every night, not always about recovery and healing, some nights we take a day off and just talk about random stuff. I do make sure not skip any days, even days that I am stuck at work and won't be home in time to have our nightly talk I call her and we talk on the phone and still have our talk. It's not the same as being next to each other and talk about, but it's better than nothing. So, try talking and if she is not ready yet, you start. The most important be honest and start with maybe 20-30 min. I wish you luck man and if you have any questions you can always message me. I don't always answer right away, I have a crazy schedule I work night and sleep during the day, but I will answer as fast as I can.
Thank you for the kind words. We are trying to talk as much as possible. We are using a book "His needs, Her needs" to spur conversation.We are also going to counseling twice a week also to deal with both of our issues post-affair. I think her issues are much deeper rooted than mine and will be a much more difficult to recover from. My biggest issue at this point isn't her affair. It is the crippling guilt of what I have done to her over the course of our marriage. I am having a hard time dealing with that.
This is a group my wife and I created and we post useful videos that helped us. Join it and first of all watch videos Help Her Heal. There is 2 part and those videos opened my eyes. There are many helpful videos but I think you should watch those 2 first. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/couples-in-recovery.49/
Well we had somewhat a positive failure last night. Lying in bed talking, we ended up feeling very connected and it just kind of happened. We both discussed stopping but figured if we were in the middle of a moment that was the entire purpose waiting then why should we stop. So it looks like we are in a PM mode now. But not with sex for the sake of sex. Only when there is real connection and making sure to let her initiate and guide the encounter to make sure she stays completely comfortable and feels in control.
Thank you. Considering some of the set backs of the week, with more people in our church finding out about my wife's affair ir was an unexpected positive moment. She is also having a struggle with her shortcomings being out for everyone to judge while mine are safely hidden behind close doors. She sees me get these pats on the back from members of our family telling me how thankful they are that I am holding the marriage together (which I always deflect praise) and it takes her to a bad place. I offered to air all my laundry to help with this but my job depends on my image and she doesn't want me to so as not effect my ability to provide for our family.
Newest setback, possibly the end of it all: I confessed to my wife that 2 years ago while out of town with work I slept with someone while drunk (we don't drink). I also let the floodgates open and revealed that I lost 2000 at a casino last year (we don't gamble). Her entire view of a who she thought I was has been torn to shreds. Any respect she had for me as a man has been lost because I have shown her nothing but weakness.
I'm sorry, all I can say is give her some time. It is not 'weakness' that is a problem. It is the lying, dishonesty that is the problem. The double life, pretending to be one thing while acting out on another. We don't know who these men are that we thought we knew so well.
It seem like the end, and it possibly is for the hold addiction will have on you. The reality is it sounds like the end of secrecy and lies between the two of you. Sounds to me like you are giving your wife exactly what she needs and deserves: honesty, and vulnerability. These things are required in a real relationship. While you have destroyed the false view she had of you, you now have the opportunity to share the same reality, not idealistic versions of each other, but real understanding of each other with flaws and mistakes included. Each of these mistakes aren’t what they seem to be, they are learning opportunities, chances for improvement, catalysts for change, and moments deserving of reflection. Now that your wife knows the truth about you, you have to own up to those things you’ve done. You can’t be defensive, don’t try to soften the blow by minimizing what you have done. Take the time to reflect on how those instances may have really affected her, about how she really feels about them, rather than your own disappointment or shame. Take her into consideration, and put your own self preservation aside, let her know she is worth as much as you give. Be empathetic and understanding with her. She have her own grief to work through as her reality and former ideas have been shattered. She’ll have anger and sadness, but if you consistent and honest and able to make progress in your recovery she find hope, and that will lead to healing.
Thank you. I think the hardest realization that I has hit me is that for the first 7 yrs of our marriage I have not loved my wife remotely like I should have. That is why she ended up with someone else so easily when it seems so far outside of who she is. I realized I was making a turn in my thinking when I stopped wanting everything that he had sexually and wanted what they had from an emotional sharing side. I have always kept these huge areas of my life closed off from her and I can't do that anymore. Even if it breaks us I have to open up to her and try.
Right now the idea of ever retreating to porn, gambling, drinking or infidelity again seems like something so foreign that I can't imagine doing it. I worry though that as the brokenness inside me starts to heal then I will start to struggle with the same traps again. And that scares me to death because I if we survive this one I don't know that we will survive another.
I find the best way to stay engaged in real recovery is service -- that can look like helping others at various stages of recovery; reading and posting on NoFap are great reminders to stay vigilent; have you tried any in-person groups...for your own benefit, but also with a leaning towards helping others.
Man, I hope your situation improves. Give her some time to process the new info and do your best to prove to her with actions that she's your top priority. I have a similar situation, but my wife's affair wasn't physical. I've been addicted to PMO for 20 years (16 when I discovered internet P in 1997), and married for 13 years. Last year my wife had an emotional affair for a few months with a former co-worker. Luckily he lived across the country and it never became physical, but she admitted that it started innocently but eventually they talked about sex and he sent her pics of his penis, she sent him pics of her breasts and they even m'd together on FaceTime twice while I was at work. I would've never known if the she didn't confess out of nowhere because the anxiety, guilt and shame were eating her alive. I was clueless. At the time I was devastated, but now realize it was largely my fault. You see, all those years of waiting for her to go to bed so I could jerk off to p and having lackluster, routine sex once a month or less caused her to become emotionally and physically distant. When another man started to treat her like an interesting human being with her own thoughts and ideas instead of a roommate/maid who cooks and has sex sometimes, she completely shut me out and gave all her affection to him ... just like I'd done to her with PMO for a majority of the marriage. Sadly my initial reaction was anger/shame/jealousy and it led me to PMO as much as possible as "revenge" for a problem I helped create. Divorce was discussed. She moved back in with my inlaws for a month. I still hadn't come to grips with my pmo being an addiction. One night we had a long talk about everything including my Pmo. We decided the marriage and love we have for each other was worth fighting for and are making an effort to make it work. In the last three months we've worked on regaining intimacy and it's going well, but BOTH people have to be fully engaged. I'm in love with my wife again and it feels great. Here's a list of things that could help: 1. Spend time everyday cuddling and watching TV or talking WITHOUT your phones. 2. We shower together (non sexual) a couple days a week before bed. 3. Talk to each other more, make solid eye contact and make an effort to listen to what she's saying and become engaged in her life, not just your own bubble. 4. Let her know verbally every day she's beautiful inside and out and thank her for choosing you as a spouse. 5. Increase non-sexual touching - small of the back, stroke of the hair or arm, etc. 6. Sometimes we play a "game" where we are free to make out on the couch as much as we want BUT pants have to stay on and we can't go to the bedroom. This has led to us redeveloping a connection without sex being on the table. Kissing is intense and very intimate. Do it more. 7. Go on dates even if it's a simple picnic on your lunch break. 8. Express remorse for past sins verbally and through not repeating same mistakes (easier said than done). In this time our sex life has greatly improved in intensity and duration (with the exception of my PIED and associated performance anxiety rearing its ugly head), but the passion is there BOTH ways and it's because we're back to using sex to connect as one instead of me trying to get a quick nut and her hoping I cum soon so she can sleep. If you feel your relationship is worth saving, be willing to give your wife time to grieve your mist recent past transgressions because they're brand new to her, learn from your mistakes and put her feelings and needs first. Wounds won't heal in a day or even a month, but can in time.
Thank you. I am torn in to right now. I am immensely sorry for what I have done and am trying to be patient and understanding. But the occasional "I am not even sorry that I cheated on you anymore" "It is your fault that i did this and ruined my life/reputation" or other comment directed just to wound coming from her is sending me to a bad place. I know I had to come clean in order for us to truly be close but dealing with her pain and all the emotions tied up is pulling me down in my path to forgiving her. That is selfish I know but I am trying to control that because the whole support staff that I had to deal with her affair is not their for her because of her situation. It is tearing her apart.
Is she on NF? It’s good you understand your roll in contributing to her actions, I can see why she would have a hard time with finding a good support system. SO’s on here are very supportive towards each other and quite a few are (even though they had those thoughts without acting on them) understand. If she is not on NF I hope you could talk with her about joining.
