I know I love my wife, I can't feel it though.

@Sadgirl @Jason_Tesla_19 Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I really appreciate it.

Shame is a huge problem among addicts. The mind will do anything to shame you into a relapse. The first week without PMO, I felt like scum. Like I was the smallest person in the world. I found some solace in meditation. It helps me observe these thoughts and acknowledge that they exist. It helps massively for panic attacks, which I have a lot of since quitting PMO.

I'm in Sochi right now, on holiday by the beach. The women here are truly beautiful. I'm on vacation with my wife.
Something strange and interesting is happening. None of the women on the beach turn me on. Not even a tingle.
Her mother is here as well. I spend hours with her mother talking about everything and improving my grasp over the language.
The only thing that gets my gears turning is when my wife and I get physical. That too, only when she wants it.
The rest of the time I just don't care. This is great because I'm getting a lot of quality work done.

Another interesting observation; I don't really care much for alcohol. However, in the last two days, I've been enjoying wine a lot. I didn't find it as interesting before. I fear that I might be trading one addiction for another.

In summary,
- I got over the urges of week one
- I confessed my addiction to my wife
- Week 2; I don't care much for sex and do not find women physically appealing.
- I can focus better than I used to
- Alcohol, which I never really cared for, makes me feel great right now.

 

Couldn't agree with you more, brother.

 

It probably is. You are probably right.
The thing about PMO addiction is that it robs you of being brave/confident.

I'm going to start running from tomorrow onward. And then probably start going to the gym as soon as I feel upto it.
Two weeks ago everything scared me and then I would PMO to make it go away.
Or was it the other way; I find things to worry and be scared of so that I could PMO?

I'm begging to snap out of it, however, I have terrible panic attacks. Panic attacks with teeth.

I hope it'll go away in time.
I hope I get brave enough and stop hurting my family with these lies.

 

I know. My wife said the same thing. She abhors drinking. I asked her if it's okay if I drink just a little when I have a panic attack. She said that its a surefire path to self-destruction as there never really is a "drinking a little" when you drink to make something go away.
In the meanwhile, I keep looking for ways to keep the peace inside my head.

 

Oh, and it's been about two weeks now without PMO.
I'm going back to work.

My friend invited me to work for his company. I have to leave the life I knew behind to learn something that I know nothing about and hope it will make me enough money to survive my wife's lifestyle and myself.
It entails a lot of planning and a lot of uncertainty.
I'd feel compelled to PMO. Instead, I just have terrible panic attacks and palpitate.

I've been learning a few things about myself that isn't particularly savoury. It's like I'm really looking at myself after 10 years of putting away things with PMO.
I keep moving forward on faith alone.

Thank you for reading.