I know I love my wife, I can't feel it though.

Welcome! You've identified the problem, good going.

Instead of putting energy into PMO, if you put it into your relationship you might bridge the gap that way

Good luck !

 

Maybe next time leave the phone at home or in the car. It is not an easy thing to do to get away from these things, if it we're we wouldn't need sites like this.
Do everything you can to keep away from the screen and focus on other real things, especially connecting with your wife.

 

knowing that it is a problem is the first step to change.

you can do it

A man acknowledging a problem is better than a man in denial.

 

good luck. feelings of emptiness and unknowing are part of the healing. you used P to suppress emotions and feelings and now you don't know the feelings you do have. just have to be patient and stay with the program. again good luck and best wishes.

 

Regular writing of your feelings will build awarness of yourself and your emotions, that will be a great tool during your recovery.

I would ask of you to be open to yourself and show yourself compassion, but never run away from truth for yourself or your wife, given the secret of your marriage indeed there is a lot you are having to go through.

There are a lot of good resources to approach what you are going through however, that many will talk about here, I hope you take some time to reflect on them for yourself, some will be good and others bad, but only you can be responsible for your own life.

 

There isn't a child or adult, there is only you. I think you need to take a look at yourself, your real self and try to understand where your feelings come from, because feelings are not you, they are experienced by you, they are from you. I suggest journaling to observe when and where and why you have the thoughts you do, that's where I started on the same concept.

 

That sounds really hard to deal with. I can't even imagine what it would be like to hide a marriage from my parents for two and a half years. I shouldn't pry, but this just really piques my curiosity, and I feel like you wouldn't have mentioned it unless it was somehow relevant to your situation and how you wound up on this forum. Am I right about that?

I think this is one of the most potent lies porn addicts will tell themselves when in a relationship to justify their own addictions. I used to tell myself the same thing. I'm sure you already realize it, but PMO does not bridge that gap you're talking about. Sex with someone you love and care about is about trust, establishing a deep connection, intimacy, vulnerability, and love. PMO is about physical pleasure, isolating yourself, and shame. They are not the same thing at all, and PMO is not a good substitute for sex when your wife isn't available or willing to have sex with you. In fact, it may only end up making things worse. If you are feeling sexually starved in your relationship, the best thing you can do is talk to your wife about it. Have an open conversation about what you want out of sex, and make sure you listen carefully when she speaks about it.

 

Agreed

This is COMPLETELY A LIE that addicts tell themselves to justify their online cheating. I can guarentee that if 100% of your sexual desire was towards your wife, and not fractioned off to the internet, she woukd be way more into having sex.

 

I think human sexuality is a little more complex than this, so I'm not sure that pornography is the only factor at play. However, I will strongly agree pornography certainly doesn't help at all. In other words: I think that abstaining from pornography is a necessary component for a healthy sex life, but it's not sufficient by itself. A healthy sex life also requires trust, intimacy (not just sexual intimacy), and good physical health, among other things.

 

I'm sorry this may be a bit forward and tactless, but I had this gut feeling or intuition that you'll need to bring your marriage into the open if you want to truly heal. Perhaps the guilt and shame of hiding a marriage is damaging the marriage, and perpetuating hiding things from your wife. You're hiding your wife from your parents, and you're hiding your PMO from your wife. The guilt and shame of keeping those secrets may be driving your behavior.

On a lighter note, try looking up bonding behaviors, or the "exchanges" over at the Reuniting (Karezza) website. Oxytocin can bring your emotions and lizard brain in line with your rational brain. I think they may help you both heal from PMO and regain that emotional connection. Look for the article "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love".

 

I second that. You said this better than I could. Seems like shame is a big problem for OP, as it is for many porn addicts.

 

Do they even know about her at all, i.e., do they think she's your girlfriend? If not, you could pretend she's just your girlfriend for a while.