Deep breathe..... exhale..... I'm doing this. You can call me Blue. Porn has been an extremely private and difficult journey for me. I've dealt with this monster alone the majority of my life, so nobody knows about this. All through high school, college and up until now I've always had this damning feeling of inadequacy. It has caused me to be mentally isolated where I feel like my brain is in a straight jacket. I've felt insane, disgusted, controlled, while being physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm more than ready to trudge forward through this crippling addiction. I am 27 and I've been using porn almost daily since the 9th grade. The furthest I've gone without PMO is about 4 months which was 8 years ago which was when i met my wife. Since then I have had several half hearted attempts. Usually lasting 7 to 11 days each time. This rabit hole of a journey started when my wife and I made the commitment to be more sexual. I know the issue is me because I have ED problems, low libido and I generaly have been avoiding sexual advances because I'm terrified I wont get it up or ill going limp during sex. All of which have happened before, in my relationship now and in others. I've been terrified of this. At first I thought it was because how insecure I felt when I compared myself to the men in the videos and other men in my life who I think have giant dongs and whom I believe can satisfy any beautiful women. I thought woman wanted men like this and it was just a matter of time before my wife did also. Then I thought for a period of time maybe its my wife, maybe I just need somone else. But then I looked at my two kids and how happy they are, how patient she has been with me and how much she has had to deal with her own feelings of insecurity when I cant get it up or when I go limp. Shes been here the entire time, loving the me with ED issues and low libido that I have had. So for so long I havent understood how everyone else can have an amazing sex life but not me. Why am I seeing this all over porn? What the fuck is going on? This has made me feel extremely depressed, I've felt fake and more importantly, alone. Then I heard a podcast my wife and I have been listening to where two woman talk about improving couples sexual fantaisies. And the topic of porn and mens unhealthy desire to perform came on. I learned that this is an actual issue for many people. I learned that even outside of the side effects of porn many men have had an unrealistic expectation of performance and many like myself, have desired what comes along with having a giant dong or having the perfect sex life or being with the sexiest women ever. These women urged men in their podcast to visit yourbrainonporn. which let me to a youtube video that blew my mind. The science made so much sense when I watched it, I was doing everything the video said. It spoke to me on a deep level. My entire life I've been in this negative feedback loop. Whenever I couldnt perform because of porn, I would get extremely embarrased. Ashamed. Disappointed. Then I would turn to porn to cope. I would then compare myself to my friends, who openly talked about how well their sex life is. Then I would get jealous, angry and I avoided conversations about sex. I would isolate myself then I would turn to PMO to cope. I desired what I saw in the videos because thats what jts really like right ? Hell no its not. Reading the stories of newcomers like myself has been truly liberating. Reading the replies people have had to their situation has been refreshing, so geniune. This has comforting to me because I dont gotta go about it alone. So here I am. Kicking down the fuckin door that has needed to be kicked for a long long time. Day 1 lets do this.
Hello Blue and welcome.I am pretty new to this community as well and I've been struggling with this addiction for a long time like you too.You should make a journal in the Reboot Logs section as it helps keep you motivated.Panic button is pretty useful too, saved me a couple of times already.Good luck and always remember that you are not alone.
Hello Blue, welcome! I could say I live in a pretty similar situation than your. I am married, 31 years old and have been an addict since I was like 15 years old. I totally get the feelings after you fail for porn. My sex life is pretty miserable because of porn, and that is why I joined this community, also, because I am sick of hurting my wife with this whole situation of not being able to have sex with her. It is never too late. Let´s keep our head straight and battle this.
Welcome Blue. The whole fapstronaut team is with you, you can do more than you can think, good luck bro
Hi. Welcome to forum! Make sure you crate a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. Check out this Ted talk, it gives a good idea of what's it about. Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
