PMO in private Vs willing partner

He was wanking to porn when he was single - before he met his wife and before he met me. When he met us both, he didn't still didn't stop PMO. He took his wedding vows and gave her two children and still PMOd. He didn't want me or his ex wife. And I tried. I did all the dirty shit that gets men off. I constantly complimented him on every part of his body and spirit. I mopped up the mess he's been left in from his first failed marriage and told him repeatedly that I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have a man like you, caring, protective, loving & an amazing father figure/future stepdad. For all the lying he's done, even I don't think he'd use me not desiring him as an excuse. He's PMOd since a teenager. Constantly.
And can I ask what you mean by "PA apparently chose porn over them"? He did choose porn over me. Every time.

 

Hey Jennica. I thought about this yesterday when he was trying to tel me, for the 1000th time, that I am attractive, he does want to have sex with me and am desirable in bed. But he said that all the way through with a soft dick in his hand. It only got stiff again when a different woman/women were put in front of him. That'll be one of the most hurtful things I'll ever know. He lied about wanting me sexuaaly and wants to prove recovery and his love for me. I told I need to hear the same thing from a different man now.

 

Hey Wade. Your wife sounds amazing.
The difference is that you preferred sex over PMO. My PA NEVER did, not once in our 3 yrs. His porn 1 choice, M his 2nd choice and, if he took chemicals, me as his 3rd choice.
I hope he doesn't do this again to the next woman but he will. My prediction is that he'll up the ante and go crazy PMO, prossy, sex toys, webcams, sex oils for about a year. Then he'll ask someone on a date, NOT tell them about his problem. Later when she's naked and a bit confused that after a strip show & foreplay, his dick is still soft.
Then he'll say he's "got stuff on his mind" and "it's not you" and, ,my fave, "I honestly don't know what it is..." then they go round and round until she discovers his stash of porn & weird potions.
Depending on whether she's a doormat - she might be happy to not have sex again. Or she'll hurt and walk away.
PAs don't just hurt themselves. When I leave this house and have settled somewhere new, I'll still be damaged and need time to heal.

 

I know this is difficult to understand (trust me, I really do... I've been in your exact shoes and I didn't understand it either), but he is not lying to you. Or at least, I would be willing to bet that he isn't.

Porn is addictive and messes up your brain a LOT. The fact that he can't get aroused with you is not evidence that he doesn't find you attractive or that he isn't interested in having sex with you. I know that seems hard to believe, but it's just true. There are so many stories here of men do angry with themsleves and so frustrated that they can't get it up for their wives, even thought their wives are beautiful and sexy and they want so badly to be with them sexually.

You need to think of PMO addiction like a drug addiction, because that's essentially what it is. Yes, drug addicts are still responsible for their decisions, to a degree, but I think people also have compassion for the fact that their biology is all kind of screwed up, and the addictive nature of whatever substance they're abusing makes it so much easier to lose control and so much harder to quit. That's what he's going through, and it may very well be completely true that he wants to quit and wants to be with you sexually, but he's addicted, and he needs more help than just his own willpower.

Now, I don't know your husband, so I could be wrong. He could be a jerk who is just lying to you and stringing you along, and he really doesn't care at all about whether or not he PMOs instesd of being with you. But I really really doubt it. I know it's hard to believe that, but there are so many people here who are in your husband's shoes and hate themsleves for it. They're just as mad at themsleves as you are at him, and they, too, don't understand why they can't stop PMOing when they have such a beautiful, loving woman right in front of them. That's the nature of addiction. There's more to it than just a choice. Technically, yes, it is s choice, and nobody has a gun to his head telling him to do it, but in a way, maybe it kind of feels like they do. That's kind of what addiction feels like.

 

No, it doesn't. But this isn't the place to ask that question. You can post your own thread on that subject if you would like.

 

I’ve never had a problem getting it up because of P, but I will tell this story. Maybe it’s relevant...

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

When I was younger, sometimes I would get off a little too quickly if it had been a while since we had sex. Do I told my wife maybe I should get off a little while before so I could last better for her.
I usually could be hard again about 10 min after but couldn’t get off for quite a while.
So she did me by hand once and then we waited. I wanted to but it took about a half hour before I could be ready and she said she wasn’t interested by then. I was though and we did it anyway. I was totally interested the whole time before though too, I just couldn’t get it up.
Maybe she felt like I wasn’t interested anymore and it ruined the mood.
I would tell her I was totally still into it and she looked great, etc. But I think she didn’t believe me and thought I was bored and done. Which got her out of the mood.

So, not the same situation. But some elements may apply. idk

 

Your whole post is the saddest thing I've read in days. But I'm pleased for you and you're wife X

I wish he could've chose sex with me first. He actually masturbated in the bathroom prior to coming to bed. When you're not even worth a wank in the bathroom, in kinda makes you hate yourself.

 

Could be a self esteem thing. Sex with another person isn't just about how you feel about them. It's also how you feel about yourself. It's pretty much impossible to make someone believe they're desirable if they don't believe it themselves.

 

If youve ever watched the movie Don Jon, they do a good job presenting it.
Honestly most younger to-mid twenties girls Ive been with have not been to exciting in bed (i prolly was no stud either). Porn offers adventure, variery, fetish, taboo, plus working your own tool you get instant accurate feedback so can be made to be very pleasurable. Plus its 100% selfish and guilt free during the activity (guilt afterwards)...you dont have the weight of pleasing another. Also, we defintely get lazy for long term relationships and sex in keeping ourselves enticing. My best tip I stole from an ex is to sneak off if your the first awake and gargle some mouthwash. Little things like that are great. Desensitivity can play a part too.
I think the worst thing a real partner can do is consistency...same routine over and over. Porn can become a routine of course, but even if I ended with an old fav my jam was always browsing the new content.