PMO in private Vs willing partner

I was always waiting and willing... Like waiting on the bed, after work... And he was "pooping".... & when he was done I'd try to initiate.
But he was "tired".
He chose to PM.
Every night.
35feet away.
Why?
Beats the flying fuck out of me.

 

If there’s ped involved that could create a lot of shame and tie their primary erection response to porn. If so, this is really hurtful for a SO, but it might be a factor that is present.

Obviously you all have love and attraction in your chemistry and your history. That means to me that the desire is there to find and build upon. The porn and mo bs is likely masking this , possibly as a stress habit, and it could be rooted pretty deep.

It seems like pmo is a way many folks deal with stress and uncertainties, and maybe unconsciously cope with things. Kind of self medication. anything in work or personal life that could be hard to share with a partner or anyone else might drive pmo habits further.

Also looking into the Coolidge effect and some statements I’ve read about how porn throws dopeamine and other hormones out of whack and impacts natural testosterone levels makes for a decrease in testosterone and probably fucks with libido. This I’m not super well versed on, but kenzi and other seasoned members might have some more knowledge.

Just some initial thoughts. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I hope you all can reconcile during this bewilderment.

 

Wow, que kenzi.

 

I was always willing and got turned down all the time for PMO. I have also always had a high drive and been open to whatever. I find a lot of SOs are like that and wonder if addicts seek these type of partners out in the hope that having a partner who is available for sex, enjoys it and is open will lead them to desire her not porn. I mean they could go for women who have low drives but they usually don’t. The thought process being I PMO because I can’t have regular sex. A woman with a high drive will solve that. A sexually open woman will be more like the women in porn, yes this is a good idea!
In my situation my ex had bad PIED so sex was just not enjoyable for him and it causes stress and made him feel like a failure. PMOing is of course much easier, requires an emotional connection and not the same dopamine high. If you ask a non addicted man most will say what? No way I would turn down my wife for porn that’s crazy! But the addicted mind sees it otherwise.

 

I think the issue is that PMO isolates you. You don't want anyone else, even though the truth is you need them. You try to satisfy this need with PMO but it doesn't work. But you feel pleasure while you're doing it. So you do it anyways. What people need, what we all need, is connection and not just sexual pleasure. We need love.

A PMO addict tries to get it from porn, but it doesn't work. And his/her mind is so fucked up and influenced by the addiction that they try to get the same out of regular sex. But unlike PMO sex involves another person, it's not just you. It's totally different. I think the addict would rather go with something that sorta satisfies them (Better a known evil than a possible good) rather than try to have regular sex.

PMO leaves you socially incapable. You can't even have sex the way you're supposed to anymore. I think that's why PMO addicts would rather fap than have sex.
Have a look at what the ex-girlfriend of the founder of playboy has to say about him:

Spoiler: Language might be a bit triggering

In her new memoir, Holly Madison, 35, spills all the X-rated details of her sex life with ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner, 89. In the pages of Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny, Holly recalls how she was rarely alone with Hef during sexual encounters, and all the girlfriends took turns having intercourse with the Playboy owner, but he “always finished by himself.”

Holly says Hef would watch porn, smoke pot, and masturbate while his girlfriends, and whoever else was in the room, pretended to get it on around him. They liked to call it a “fake f***,” according to Holly. Holly’s first time in Hef’s bedroom happened after a night out with “roughly a third of a bottle of vodka sloshing around in my stomach.” “There was zero intimacy involved,” she says. “No kissing, nothing. It was so brief that I can’t even recall what it felt like beyond having a heavy body on top of mine.”

It's very sad to say the least

 

I read her autobiography as well and it was eye opening and very sad. As a fan of the show the girls next door, I had a total different picture of how Hef would be in bed than how he really was. I guess just another confirmation that it’s not really “reality” tv. You think a man who could have his pick of women in the world, and had many beautiful women around him and still did this. It goes to show that it has nothing to do with the partner, or lack of available sex.

 

I went for both, real sex and masturbating to porn. I've talked about what porn gave me here, but one of the key things was ownership. Sex with my wife is something we share but masturbating to porn is just mine. I am sure my mum did not intend this outcome but something in the way I was raised has left me with a fear of having my sexuality owned by someone else, and so the seperateness of porn was a relief and a refuge. Obviously now that I have given up porn that is a 'need' I have to find other ways to meet (I have not found those other ways yet) or work my way around.

 

I was available and willing, and that's why his PMO hurt so much. I would have been okay with PMO so long as it didn't interfere with our relationship or replace our sex life -- until I learned more about PA and also the porn industry. I never imagined a man would choose PMO over real sex. I think this nails it:

I wonder if this is why our sex life hasn't recovered yet. My BF has come SUCH a long way in his recovery, and he says he wants me -- but I usually don't feel it or see it. We wonder if there might be sexual anorexia involved. I know there could be on my behalf as I tend to be "all or nothing" when it comes to sex, and I feel like after being so desirous of him and trying to save our sex life for so long, a part of me is kind of apathetic about trying right now, especially when I don't feel wanted, really, truly, passionately WANTED. We have so many good things going for us. There's just this piece left now. I feel like we'll work it out somehow.

 

I have to agree with this. I've never turned her down except when I've had the flu or been literally too sick.

Interestingly enough @kropo82 for me that was what brought me here - the realization that I had no control over my sexuality. If she wanted sex, we had sex. If she didn't, I PMO'd. I felt powerless. Now, sex is about us, rather than "us" being about sex (or more often, the lack of it).

I hope it works out for you @Torn ! Not feeling wanted is a horrible and painful thing. That's what drove me to self medicate with PMO, and now I'm trying to deal with it in more productive ways.

 

Same here, @TinaK.

 

It's seems to me that one of the really big sexual traps we fall into is when one partner doesn't feel desired. Above we see SOs not feeling desired because their PA apparently choose porn over them, and we see PAs who used pmo to medicate feelings of not being desired by their SO.

This seems to be an insidious trap. And it's all about perception. And very likely shallow communication.

I suspect no one knows how badly that hurts until you live it.

This needs to be printed on the back of all wedding certificates.

 

Sadly, in my case, I was very clear in my communications with my partner, he KNEW I wanted him, and he STILL lied and chose PMO instead of sex with me. It IS very unfortunate when either partner feels unwanted.

 

Exactly the same here.