After at least two decades of masturbation, from a teen to 34, I have had both highs and lows with 'the act'. With the highs, masturbation was sporadic, unplanned, and was very enjoyable; as I very much believe it should be for everyone! With the lows, however, the times I have masturbated have been lack-lustre at best. At times of deep depression and high anxiety, not only would it be multiple times a day, every day, but would be furious, unsatisfying, and completely shameful; not only just for the bad situation I was in and the reasons driving the 'need', but the depravities of my thoughts, and with what I was watching for 'pleasure'. Over time, masturbation has become a chore rather than a pleasure. Something that seems routine to feeling sad, or angry, or frustrated, or any other negative emotion. The immediate, though very short-lived 'high' after finishing is quite analogous to (what I can only imagine) a hit of heroine to an addict. And through what I have come to realise and learn lately, is that an addiction is exactly what I have. The desperate need to feel something in a pretty shitty situation is what I believe to be a textbook diagnosis. These addictions have recently made me make a huge mistake with someone I truly and deeply care about. Long story short, I was dating a Christian single mother currently going through a divorce after her husband left her for another man. She had been living in a very loveless marriage, both emotionally and physically, and when I came along (as a non-Christian), I introduced her in to a world she has never known to exist. Our relationship got hot and heavy, and sexual intimacy happened way too fast, even for me in such a relationship, but the passion burned bright in both of us. She has since ended the relationship. Not specifically for those reasons (she has kids and a divorce to think about, and they are much more important than I am right now (as it should be)), but I know for a fact that such behaviour on both our part lead to her feeling like she had betrayed her God. And I feel terrible for that. Looking back, I can see how masturbation had predisposed me to such lust. It also made me have sex on the mind every time I was with her, as the pleasure I got from her was infinitely superior to anything I had been giving myself in the many years prior; even with ex-girlfriends in the past. No doubt my over-indulgences has been ruining my sex life for quite a long time now. Out of guilt for my now-ex Christian girlfriend, I have actually started going to church. Repentance for many of life's transgressions are well overdue, and "sexual immorality" as the Bible puts it, is not least by far. My exact reasons for going aren't the issue here, but I know that dedication to the Christian faith calls to become more aware of one's own sexuality, and challenges your perspectives on what does and does not constitute sexual immorality and for what you should be ashamed. Regardless of any religious definitions or reasoning, I want to give up my 'dependency' on masturbation to get me through my bad times. Pornography is a very active part of driving my urges for masturbation, so I am wanting to give that up as well. There are also some more recently realised moral reasons why I want to give that up too, let alone the ones that will now be coming from a Biblical perspective. I have put my starting date as the first day I went to church as the day I stopped either watching porn or masturbating. I may have not done it a few days prior either, but I do know that I haven't done it since, and I feel such a day is symbolic and a significant point from which to measure my milestones.
Welcome! This is my first day without porn or playing with my tally whacker too. A suggestion that may help you is SA=Sex Anonymous. They use the Twelve Steps. I am an alcoholic and addict. So it was pretty significant that today I decided to pick up a white chip in AA and join NoFap in the same day! Also another thing that makes this even more special is the fact of my birthday being on the 13th. I will be 35. You know..I haven't had sex with a woman in 6-7 years. I was too busy getting messed up and jacking off too even bother finding one. Besides who would want a loser drunk like me anyway. I realize that I truly do have a lot more too offer a woman than just a hard dick and bubble gum. OK I won't make it all about me. I am happy to hear that you have found a church. Jesus truly loves you. He died for you. God bless!
Thanks Naphtali, Best wishes to you as well! But do try to turn around your self-deprecation and focus on the good qualities you have in your life. You are taking the first steps to resolving your issues, so if nothing else that makes you courageous. Happy birthday for Tuesday, and God bless you too!
I have many great things going for me. Many things to be grateful for. I am a U.S. Army combat vet. I should have died over there many times in 2003. I walked away from all of them without a scratch. God truly was watching out for me. Even though I received no physical injuries from it I am currently diagnosed as %100 disabled PTSD from the VA. I just this month got my increase on disability. So yet another to be grateful for. Financially this time.
While not my countryman (I'm Australian), I still applaud your service. I'm sorry for that diagnosis. It's a horrible thing to have. I'm glad you are getting more support now, and if you ever need a chat, let me know.
I hear Australia is absolutely beautiful. Everyone tells me Perth is one of the nicest cities in the world. North Carolina ain't too bad of a state though.
