I am the SO of a man with PA. I have been reading and reading here for a while for help and info bc my BF is very closed off and guarded at this point, leaving me with so many questions and thoughts. I’ve finally decided reaching out to others would be helpful. I will try not to be too lengthy and tell our story the best I can. We have been a couple for about 3 years. Our relationship has always been filled with emotional turmoil of some kind. After about 2 years of living together, things got super bad and exhausting for everyone, us and the kids, and I had to make him leave. At that time I had no idea what was really going on with my life. There was fight after fight, so many suicide threats that I lost count, just tons of emotional turmoil. We were apart for about 6 months. He got his own place and we hardly spoke. What few times we did speak, I could tell that things were very bad. He fell into a deep depression and I’m pretty sure spent much of that time holed up in his house with P. Although I did not know any of this at the time. Long story short, we reconnected and have been back together for about 6 months. About 3 months ago, everything started to come out. I found out that the root of most of our problems was PMO. In November we had a talk. Not an easy one, but some things did come out and things started to become much more clear to me. I immediately started doing research and he swore he would never PMO again. And yes, I know it’s not that simple.. Around the first of the year, I discovered that he had relapsed a few times. Again, he swears he is done. At this point he just doesn’t want to talk about it ever. He says talking about it makes it worse for him. I get that but I just feel like so much of our lives have been affected that it all heavily involves me too. I’m just having a hard time being a silent supporter and dealing with all my thoughts and questions on my own. I haven’t seen him educating himself or limiting his phone/internet use. He is constantly checking and browsing social media and online news and such. Almost every time we watch tv we have to fast forward through triggers. He says he only does it bc he thinks it will bother me. Honestly at this point I just think he is pretending that everything is okay and “normal” so that I won’t think anything negative and we won’t have to talk about things. I don’t feel like this is solving anything. This post is getting way to long. Just looking for maybe some insight or advice bc as of now I’m not getting much from him. Thanks for listening
Ask him to set up restrictions on his phone and have you set the password. This may help at least so you know he isn't browsing porn. This doesn't stop him from using questionable apps looking for psubs, but it might help with the peace of mind. Unfortunately, just quitting PMO isn't a recovery. That doesn't heal anything, it just stops the abuse for a bit of time. If he doesn't work on it and let it out and talk about his problem, he will never get better, and just have relapse after relapse. You can try your best to convince him to get clean and accountable, but he may not be ready or willing. It sounds like you are seeing signs that he isn't entirely honest, and it looks like he is being overly defensive, especially because you are spot on. The addict within will do anything it can to continue the denial, and do what it can to feed itself. I've certainly escalated many times throughout my lifelong addiction. Even through my escalations, I never went to gay, transexual, or transwoman P. Sure I may have saw some, but it just didn't do anything for me or my addiction. If you asked me about if I was into it, I would probably laugh and say no. Not yell or get defensive. Now if you asked me about my escalations, I probably still wouldn't quite admit it, as I still feel guilt and shame. I would try to down play it, or get defensive. That is the self preservation of the addict talking.
I am a P addict working through to try to help me and my girlfriend of 15 years. If he doesn't want to talk about the subject and is not working a system he will be back too it sooner than later guaranteed. You will have to force him to do what you want him to work or tell him it will not work for you. Sorry to put it this way but it is the firm truth. I wish you guys all the luck.
“The addict within will do anything it can to continue the denial, and do what it can to feed itself.” -I read that like 10 times. So true. This is how we live..I hope we can change it. Thank you so much. This is very helpful information. This morning I feel sort of lost. I don’t want another day to pass where we do nothing. He’s going to have to face all of this, I know he is. That seems impossible right now. Part of me doesn’t feel I should have to force him or babysit him through this but I understand the evil inside and how hard this is going to be, but I’m willing. I feel like this will save his life. I wil not let him ignore this today. I will ask him to put the phone blockers on. I will keep trying to get him to come here. Thanks so much
Thank you so much. Coming here and talking has sort of hit me with the hard truth of it all. I needed that. Just like he does. I have to believe we will get through this but I know we have a very long road ahead.
Hi Alice42, Sorry to hear about your struggle, but you’re not alone. The book Every Man’s Battle states (paraphrasing) “pornography is the termite of the modern marriage. You don’t know you have an infestation untill you house falls apart”. I know you’re not married but you get the point.There’s definitely Christian resources aimed at saving relationships like yours. Have you ever checked our ‘Celebrate Recovery’? They have a 12 step program available for ‘sexual integrity’. Also Every Man’s Battle hosts workshops. Just some ideas. I’m in step 10 of CR’S 12 step program and have been without P for over a year now. So there’s hope.
