Almost day 3. Thanks to everyone for the help and guidance. My question is this. How do i be okay until my fiance wants to be intimate? I hate feeling like she is obligated because i have issues u know. Decrease how much i need to be satisfied?
Tell her that she should never feel obligated to have sex. She only should when she 100% wants it. Meanwhile, ask for her support in other ways, such as someone to talk to, or to do something to occupy your mind.
But what if im not happy with her amount? Like her frequency. We should both be happy. I dont want to gravitate towards cheating or anything. Then its even worse
First off, you don't have sexual needs. You have sexual desires, and that's different. You're not going to die if you don't have sex. The moment you frame your sexual desires as needs, then you open up all kinds of rationalizations for whatever behavior you resort to in order to 'meet your needs' (like, for instance, "gravitating towards cheating or anything.") You also need to know that you may think you have a higher sex drive than you actually do. You need to stay off porn for a while in order to find your baseline brain chemistry. Then you'll be able to better gauge what's 'normal' for you. For the first couple of weeks, you'll be in withdrawl so of course you'll feel like you want it more ... but that's not your natural drive talking, that's your hijacked brain chemistry begging for the dopamine that it's used to, which you're not flooding it with anymore.
Your relationship will never work as long as it's all about you. Use this as an opportunity to practice not being so selfish and be more concerned about her desires than your own. A healthy marriage is about serving, not being served.
Wow. I'm pleasantly surprised by the answers here! Good points, all of you. I'll just add: Yes, an imbalance in how often partners want sex is something that might need to be addressed at some point. But not now. You just joined nofap less than a week ago. It's your PMO addicted brain that is telling you you need more sex for happiness. Focus on rebooting and improving your relationship first. It's possible, although not guaranteed, that the imbalance could even out eventually. See links in my signature (if you're on your phone, turn it sideways to see) for tools that helped my husband and I, including FANOS, cuddling and karezza.
This is great! I like the baseline idea! Im on day 3 right now. We will see. But i think i may need to stop having sex period for a week or so to really see what i need. Thoughts?
We actually had that conversation while i was still doing that. Thats how i know she doesnt need it like i do. But i do think its my brain saying i need it 7 times a week
And again thank you everyone! Still wonderinf about when i should tell her. Like it kinda feels like im still hiding something now because she doesnt know about this. Although i think she would be proud because she constantly says porn is cheating in her eyes
True true.. i am not getting the same amount of happy juice in my brain so my body is freaking out saying i need more...im getting that
Experts say it takes about 90 days for the brain to rebalance ... so a week isn't even scratching the surface, really. Trust me, I know ... 90 days sounds like a f***ing eternity when you're used to MO'ing a couple of times a day. But that's what it takes. Unfortunately the neurpathways you've created with PMO are well-worn over many years, so it takes longer than a week to start to undo them.
Sure... but your first posts are about how she isn't meeting your needs and how you might cheat. Apparently, she is happy with less sex, so more sex isn't going to make her happy. Maybe with time she'll want more, maybe not. This may not be what you want to hear, but the solution in marriage is to give up what you want for the sake of the other. Sometimes in marriage people can compromise, sometime you'll get lucky and the other person will go out of their way to make you happy. In your case, I figure you have two choices - figure out a way to make her have more sex, or be happy with the sex you're getting. Anytime you're trying to change other people to make yourself happy, it wont work in the long run. In a lifelong relationship like marriage, you gotta change yourself rather than the other person. Cheating should not be on the table. If you're engaged and are already contemplating cheating - break it off because you aren't ready for a lifelong commitment to this woman.
I dont want not getting needs me or being completely happy sexually lead to thoughts of cheating down the road...clearly im not contemplating that..i DONT want that.
Because i just want to get comfortable first and make sure this is possible for me before i go telling her. Hate getting peoples hopes up