I'll keep this short and simple. I was formally introduced to porn back in 2003 when I was 11. I enjoyed it but it was only visual stimulus. It wasn't until 2006 when I was 14 that I was not only reintroduced to it, but discovered masturbation as well. In those 13 years the longest stretch I have gone without masturbating is, maybe, one to two weeks...if that. My friends and I had our own group to hopefully get over this and all my friends did, I did not. We differed in one area, I viewed porn, they did not. At the time I was a devout Christian, I still am but that's a whole other story. Because of this I had the firm belief in no sex before marriage. I had a girlfriend whom I asked to be my wife, at no point did we even get handsy. But we eventually broke up and called off the wedding. I was so close to having sex for the first time that it drove me crazy and I did things I never thought I would ever do. Thanks to online dating I was able to find girls that were interested in my quite easily. Though it would be two years before I had sex. In my mind if we did just "hand stuff" or "mouth stuff" I wasn't actually having sex and was still saving myself for marriage. Eventually I found someone I hooked up with and I couldn't stop there, I wanted more. Now I can't date someone if we have sex, I will only see them as an object. I have also learned about the Eisenhower effect, the idea of the visual (and sometimes physical) stimulus not being enough. Thinks I found repulsive at one time are now interesting. I have wanted to kill myself because of this because I see no way out. However, despite my many attempts I can't make myself go through with it. Every so often I'll go a few days without it and feel on top of the world, but I eventually crash down. I've made it two days so far and I want to never look back, so here I am.
