Post published by JR-62
Let’s talk about shame. I know the standards that I am expected... no asked to live yet I don’t. I know the reasons why I should revive the full blessings of the law of chastity but I don’t. I know that I want the highest kingdom of glory but I don’t. This repeating rollercoaster has worn me out. And I am ready to get off this ride but can’t seem to find a hope strong enough to help me endure to the end. Yet at the end of the day I know that I am the only one to blame, that this is self inflicted shame. That I am given power to crush Satin yet here I am with no vision of what I could be but instead only a vision of what I am not. Hope, do I have hope you ask? I answer that it depends on the day.
electronicactivity3, vxlccm, Decerebrate and 3 others like this.
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wildgeniusman
I have realized that grace is what I ought to lean on, and haven't been. That is why I have relapsed a couple of times each week, for the last 3 or so weeks. Christ already suffered for all of our individual pains and struggles... We don't need to make ourselves that person again unnecessarily. I've decided to focus more on inviting Him to guide my recovery, since what works for me (outside the gospel, of course) varies some from what works for you.
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Decerebrate
I feel this pain so acutely. I can't eve think what to type. There is hope, though. Of that I am certain.
electronicactivity3 and vxlccm like this.
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Tannhauser
I heard this quote from a conference talk a while ago and it has really stuck with me: "Guilt has an important role as it awakens us to changes we need to make, but there are limits to how far guilt will help us. Guilt is like a battery in a gasoline-powered car. It can light up the car, start the engine, and power the headlights, but it will not provide the fuel for the long journey ahead. The battery, by itself, is not sufficient. And neither is guilt." - "A Witness of God" by Elder Neil L. Andersen [October, 2016]
You can do this my friend - it will be hard, but you can do it.
electronicactivity3, Jefe Rojo, vxlccm and 1 other person like this.
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electronicactivity3
I've been struggling deciding if I'm being honest with myself in counseling or not. Why have I turned back to my addiction in the past? What makes me feel as I do now? Is it self-inflicted, non-productive shame that leads to my current feelings? Is trying to escape stress why I turned to PMO as an escape in the past? Or do I just really enjoy it and while I'm sober I wish I could endulge because I just liked it? Hard to admit to myself that I enjoyed being a sinner. Have to remember the pain that made it unenjoyable.
martin.industry likes this.
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vxlccm
Joy, happiness, and pleasure are so different, brother. There is no joy in porn, for sure. Happy for a season is an illusion. The wicked will not always be allowed to take pleasure in sin. Part of that is the unending desire for more perversity. Be careful! Look to the light!
martin.industry, Jefe Rojo and electronicactivity3 like this.
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electronicactivity3
Thanks.I'm not worried about wandering back down the forbidden paths. Just having a hard time as I feel like I should have more joy and happiness now than I do. And really day to day is pretty okay. But SA group, church, and counseling forces the subject for me and I feel like there's a hole and wound in my soul that I cannot fix. God can. But I feel inadequate and unable to get that help from God. So I feel JR-62's pain feeling that I'm to blame as God is perfect. So if I cannot find salvation through him, it must be me. Maybe a negative feedback cycle for this negative shame. The shame prevents feeling God's love, which reinforces the shame.
martin.industry and vxlccm like this.