Post published by aoisakurachan

Hey there,
I'm the wife of a suspected porn addict. I'm pretty frustrated and upset, because I have my suspicions but I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I DO need a judgement free place to just get some advice.

So let me give you some background before I get into my question. It's a bit of a book, so I do apologize.
I have loved my husband for 10 years, we've been married for 5. At the very beginning of our relationship, my husband (then boyfriend) allowed me to use his old laptop, and I came across an absolute enormous amount of porn. This upset me, but I figured at the time he'd been a single man until recently, I can understand. I explained to him that porn had no place in a relationship with me. He agreed to stop and I thought at the time that was going to be the end of it.

Fast forward to the end of 2016. I happened to remember he used to watch porn. Why it struck my brain, I have no idea. I asked him, " are you still watching porn?" to which he replies," I will neither confirm or deny." I simply said that for his sake, I hope he wasn't. Fast forward again to March 2017. I had the day of and my husband left his private computer on. He never had a lock on it so everything he had on his computer, I could see just by walking into the room. I had come into the room and had noticed his computer was on. I went to turn it off, and found thousands of porn videos he'd downloaded. I'd opened one just to make sure the title was what I thought it was. Yep, it sure was. I was especially upset that he downloaded these videos EVERYDAY. Anywhere from 4-8 videos per day! I was crushed and ended up texting him at work about it just loosing my mind. He came home, we argued, I told him it was the a kin to cheating, he said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill, yada yada yada. It ended by him promising that he'd delete it all and he'd stop watching it.

A few months later, same thing. New videos, and everything. The only days he didn't have new stuff downloaded was when we were on vacation. Again, I freaked out, told him I was leaving him, he came home early from work and again we argued. I accused him of lying and being addicted to which he again told me he'd stop because he thought he could stop when ever he wanted. I told him he'd have to prove it. Of course part of it was me trying to convince myself not to leave him because "this time, he'll change." I watched him delete his cash of videos, but checked the next day and noticed he "forgot" a few. I kept an eye on them to see if they'd been watched and the "last watched" thing didn't move. Finally, a few months later, I noticed one new video had been downloaded. Porn, ofcourse. I'd left the house leaving a "it's porn or me" letter saying that if he chose to stay married to me, he had to go to rehab and do some marriage counciling. He agreed. After that I continued to keep an eye on his computer and never found anything new. I started trusting him again.
Almost all of 2018, I can honestly say I had almost regained full trust until I noticed in late 2018 he was starting to show the same behavior he did before. Staying up late (he's also a huge gamer so this wasn't a glaring red flag), lack of interest in sex, lack of interest in interacting with me. He was looking at 4chan and Reddit a lot on his phone again (his alternative to downloading porn and also his main trigger).

The biggest red flags were that he'd put a lock on his computer, he'd NEVER had a lock on his computer and the other was.. and sorry if this is a TMI... but usually even after not having sex for a few weeks he'd only last maybe 10 minutes. We'd not had sex since November 5th. Today was our first time in MONTHS. He took forever to finish and seemed disinterested half way through.
I am terrified he's watching porn again and the idea of confronting him again just makes me anxious right down to my bones. Especially because I know he won't tell me the truth.
My biggest question is, am I over reacting? Am I putting a problem there that really isn't there? What do I do? How can I even tell he's lying or telling the truth? I've asked this on Reddit and was only told that I should mind my own business or that if I'd put out more, he wouldn't need porn. I desperately need some help and not judgement. I feel so alone. My therapist just encourages me to divorce him.
Thank you for reading my exceedingly long post. I do appreciate any advice.