PMO addicts,shame and secrets

@GG2002

I just don't understand why you believe the SO male or female needs to know absolutely everything about male or female addicts past.

I think the problem here is you are not the addict. And as much as you may think you understand...you don't.

Let me put it this way.
Have you taken a dump today?
Yes or no isn't enough, I want to know what shape it was and whether it was wet or dry. Also what colour it was and if you had trouble passing it or not.

See what I mean by how awkward and pressing it is to want every piece of info?

Do I need to know these fine details...no I don't.

 

It feels like a little bit of a contradiction to say that there is an obligation in a relationship to share information, but that if a partner had issue with that information then that suggests the relationship is incompatible. Any information that, by definition, doesn't matter is also, to me, discretionary. It only stops being discretionary if it's agreed that it does indeed matter.

I think disclosing a current PMO addiction in a relationship of any reasonable seriousness is a no-brainer - it affects intimacy and could be argued to be cheating. Past PMO addiction is slightly more complex, but given it may rest it's ugly head again it may be worth letting an SO know what they're getting into. It's hard to see when content should be non-discretionary. Perhaps where it relates to broad sexuality. Perhaps.

 

Basically, what im taking away from this thread is that if a man ever veered away from vanilla porn or vanilla porn substitutes, hes basically screwed in terms of a relationship even once has left pmo in the past.

Meaning, he wont have a fulfilling one because be either is upfront about all details and pushes the woman away or keeps it quiet and always has this hidden aspect of his past.

GG, im actually big on honesty and i tend to agree with your perspective. Its so disheartening tho, to realize that i can overcome pmo and create a really good life and become an attractive healthy man, but due to a foolish twisted fantasy life years ago ... never find love because many women will not be accepting of a man who ever went more extreme than vanilla stuff.

Its a choice we as men made in younger, foolish and less hopeful times of our lives, but the reality is we brought it on ourselves.

Im at the point where eradicating pmo is a sufficient aim in itself. Im ashamed of my past pmo habits and fear that precludes ever having another relationship.

I did this to myself. Its so difficult trying to process this. I feel like i will be forever defined by my worst actions, even if years ago. Hell, im basically defining myself that way and its an awful place to be.

For now, i keep pushing forward, not sure for what exactly, though.

 

@GG2002

Also you say you wouldn't mind telling your partner about your sexual history.

Have you?

Maybe you should just because secrets are not good for a relationship right?

And don't just stop at saying how many or how few.

How about telling your partner each sexual experience with the other previous partners in full detail of how they happened. What acts were performed and the physical dimensions of the previous partner. How each made you feel blah blah.

Now I know exactly what you are thinking, isn't that excessive? Why would I need to say all of that?

Indeed why would you...but it's exactly the same as what you want from pmo addicts. Full disclosure, so it's a bit hypocritical really. Because I know you wouldn't go into such detail if you weren't asked. And even if you were you would think it's not necessary.

 

Yeah I'm getting that vibe too.

Me "Hey nice to meet you."

Partner "I want to know if you have been a porn addict".

Me "yes I was once, and I fought hard to come away from it".

Partner "tell me everything about it, relive the whole thing just...because"

Me "I rather not, I've come past that part of my life now and don't look back."

Partner "ugh well fuck off im done with you".

 

That's a messed up way of thinking.
I take it you believe that a relationship revolves entirely around the woman?
Doesn't the man or woman in a relationship have the right to some privacy?

 

You are missing the point. The point is why do you feel that it's your right to know every tiny little darkest secret of something.

Why can't you just settle for "oh you had an addiction, ok I can help".

 

The way you talk about this is like your the police trying to interrogate.

What is a partner to you?

A partner or a criminal?

Are you looking for reasons to leave a partner when you perform this autopsy of revealing info?

This whole theory of disclosure to me just sounds like a way of avoiding potential partners who have had a rough time.

Like trying to find a gem in a sea of crappy stones.

 

I think everyone is acknowledging that a piece of information would change the mind of a partner. It has to. It is a fact and all new facts will change our impression of someone. The question is whether the partner has a right to that piece of information and whether sharing it is helpful for them.

I'm not sure the particular facts are 'crucial'. In what sense do you mean that? It seems to me the fact could really be trivial and yet cause great harm in knowing it.

 

Precisely.

I believe OP has trust issues. I don't say that in a mean way.
It's fits the whole discussion, OP would abandon anyone who didn't give full disclosure about past everything. So clearly can't settle for just knowing "enough".

And if OP hears too much of what she doesn't want to hear she's out the door also.

It seems selfish tbh. No regard for the feelings of the addict who is being forced to reveal darkest secrets.

 

Yes, brown, about a 4 on the Bristol Stool Chart.

Sorry, I'm basically incapable of missing an opportunity to make a Bristol Sto

Ok, that's fair enough to me. So, to take the woman's sexual history example:

- I decide that it's hugely important to be with a woman who has been 'chaste' in the past
- she can then decide whether this is ok to her, and whether to tell me her history.
- if she doesn't want to tell, we're incompatible. Similarly if it turns out she had a lot of partners and I don't like THAT, then we're incompatible.

That's all fine. I think 'I' am being unreasonable in that scenario, but to each their own. Similarly, if you want to demand that all details be available to you should you ask, you have that right (and while this isn't the way I'd want it in my situation, I understand you've experienced deep dishonesty and betrayal and can understand how you might get to this position, so I'm not criticising). But I'd discourage you from generalising. In many relationships it's considered normal for sexual history only to be covered broad brush, similarly I don't think it unreasonable to expect that the gory details of A PMO addiction not automatically be expected to be thrown out there. Of course, the more betrayal there has been, the less strong a moral position the addict had in determining the 'terms of honesty'.

 

Sorry, I changed my mind about that joke, but apparently didn't delete it...