Day 1 was great. Towards the end I got to see my ex-wife while I was taking kids to her. We’ve been divorced officially for a week or so and separated for almost two months. I’ve not had sex with her in 3.5 months. I joined this group because I have no desire to be with any other woman. We’ve agreed to not do friends with benefits and so I am here trying to control myself because I don’t want anyone else and I don’t want to masturbate or look at porn anymore. But after seeing my ex I really want to taste her and be inside her and smell her. I don’t want to love or be with anyone else. So I downloaded the brain buddy app and it is helping so hopefully I can make it through the night without polishing off thinking about her. Wish me luck everyone. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Another awful weekend. Gave in 3 times and didn't even enjoy it. Nothing to show for it except a disgusting feeling and a big fat 0. So sick of this merry-go-round.
Woke up really early this morning and M’ed. A very odd morning. no P (still no P for almost a month).
It's a good thing that you've decided to stay on control of yourself ! Sorry to hear this about your marriage, I hope there's a chance or maybe a way for you to get back together as a family. It seems you really love her. Did you both tried counselling to solve your differences? My first piece of advice is to stay on track and keep clean on PMO as you are doing. Don't fell for that trap of PMO as a stress release. Not true. Do some exercise or workouts. Do you have some spiritual beliefs? I'm a christian, and I must say that my beliefs have helped me to stay on track. I'm not saying this as proselytism but as my personal case, just to clarify. And if you don't have, you can go to counselling by yourself maybe that could help you to stay in touch with someone that can guide you through this process. I hope you can find a way to stay back with your wife. We are here to help you! My prayers to you and your family.
Back to 0 for the last time. For 31 days, I have been successful in not engaging with any pictures or videos. I have been repeating to myself how frustrating P is, so now P is connected with the mental idea of frustration. But just like with my longest streak so far in the beginning of the year, I started fantasizing and that lead me to googling some words that were in my mind because of that fantasy. It's the most childish thing in the world, touching myself to some words, but it's the mental pictures and desires that have always been much stronger than anything visual for me. I could have let this slide, because I didn't look at actual P and didn't do actual M, but I sniffed at something wrong for all the wrong reasons so really, in essence I was totally giving into my addiction. I'm gonna have to be better mentally prepared for fantasies, so that I don't indulge in them but see them for what they are, just like I have done with P.
I've been thinking about that over the weekend The anticipation is always disappointed by the actual PM. The addict brain tells you it will be some amazing powerful experience but it's not. PM is gross and devoid of anything positive. It seems to me like you are doing great. Keep moving forward my good man.
Day 14 - rough weekend, many emotional relationship stresses with the wife. Not about to get any better in the coming days except there will be work to focus on for both me and the wife. I managed to stay clean, barely. Mondays are often when I relapse so I have to stay aware. Started out this morning with some mental discipline and structure to re-fuel my resolve and give my coping skills a chance to work today. Stay strong everyone.
Thank you. Being tripped over by mental ideas was a disappointment though. And now, as I know from experience, that feeling of disappointment and failure brings more urges with it, for which I will have to be careful now. But I have to keep reminding myself that, indeed, not PM nor fantasizing nor MO without P or fantasies will lead to anything but more disappointment and more shame. It's just never worth it, ever.
Thanks, that means a lot to me. Now the challenge is not to talk myself into a depression, haha. But that's a challenge I'm gonna have to overcome as well, the sooner the better.
Yeah. Self talk is important at a time like this. You are in for a storm the next 3 days or so if you are like me. You will be ok no matter what happens. Every time you move forward without falling as a win. If this is the "new low point" you are doing amazing.
@Merry Terry @GottaBFree - Guys, really appreciate your thoughts here. Great explanations of the addict behavior, and solid reminders and encouragement to stay clean. Very helpful to me. Thanks.