Does Sex Save You?

Thank you for your insightful post @AnonymousAnnaXOXO

I was thinking about writing a response about fear and pain of rejection, but I wasn't sure how it would go over in this group. I don't intend to threadjack, but I'm not sure if this deserves it's own post - or again how such a post would be received. Honestly, I cannot fathom a relationship like @Jennica and @Katrina Rose mentioned above where their partner was never turned down for sex. In my marriage, feeling rejected (even if the feeling is unwarranted) has been a major trigger and source of pain for me. [I should be fair here, it's not always a straight out "no way" with a look of exasperation, but for somebody with self-confidence issues it's easy to turn "I'm to tired" into "I don't find you attractive" after it's been said one too many times - especially when she is too tired for sex, but not too tired to stay up for hours watching netflix and playing on her phone]. Some times it's easier to not even try, and the possibility of rejection begins to outweigh the potential joy of acceptance.

Everyone is different, however for me that has been a recipe for disaster. I have actually had a pretty easy time in the last nine months giving up P, but the secret I have found for me to finally break free from PA has been to fight against an addiction to M'ing - and that has been much more difficult. In the past when I would justify M as okay so long as I was fantasizing about my wife. Indeed, I foolishly thought it might "relieve the tension" and actually prevent me from turning to P. But it would still create a very strong chaser effect - much worse than came from actual intimacy with my wife - and would inevitably lead me closer and closer to other fantasies, and eventually to full on PMO and binging. Now that I am fighting (on pretty much a daily basis) the temptation to M, I hardly have room in my head to be tempted by P.

Again, that is just my experience.

 

Exactly! M is just as much an addiction as P, and my response was to the member who was not sure if he was really addicted, so I suggested taking time to experiment to see if he can come to his own conclusions.

I don't advocate to M if you're a PMO addict, but if you're on the fence and unsure then it's an individuals right to figure it out. I know that @kropo82 was one who thought he could just give up P and still have M but found that M led him back to P, which is why I feel M is a very slippery slope for an addict. But Kropo never would have found that out had he not tried and experimented.

For my husband M is probably the main addiction as well, so he does not P or M. O is only with me.

Everyone needs to find their own journey and own things that work for them in their recovery.

 

I get this, if I understand your post correctly. I for the most part stopped initiating because that’s what I got for a while. It became crushing for me. The phone usage (I began to resent his phone), laptop, work , to tired all that stuff unless he initiated there for a while. If he wanted it I would for the most part not say no to his advances most likely out of desperation to feel contact from him thinking back on it. It really did turn “into I’m not attracted you” type of a feeling for me. This is also what lead to me feeling used. This is one reason why we have adopted the route we have taken in recovery, neither one of us feel rejected because we don’t push it, we have taken the emphasis off of sex and O and focus on the deeper intimacy. It’s certainly lead to more desire and appreciation for sexual intimacy between us.

 

I said it read as an attack. And the increased aggression of your posts is continuing. You are using insults and giving instructions now. Calling people childish and telling them to grow a thicker skin. Just as Anna did not mean to make sweeping statements and to imply she thought they applied in absolutely every case, you are probably not intending for the way you argue your points to come across as an attack, or for your response to criticisms to portray you as a petulant toddler who can't accept that their own view of the world and themself is shared by everybody else. The problem is, they have and they are.

Saying that you don't mean to cause offence doesn't mean that you won't.

 

Gah . To answer the OP question on behalf of MYSELF , no one else , no other SO , no other PA . Simply put , in OUR experience when he came to ME with an “urge “ ( which I’m reading as an urge to look at porn and masturbate ) It FELT different. It felt rushed , empty , to get a job done . Sooooooo with that , I don’t think that could CAUSE a relapse persay , but I don’t think it HELPS either person and i don’t think it would STOP the PMO . That takes WORK . I 100 disagree with whomever said that sex bonds you . That is so untrue , in all my years of experience that is . 22 years with a porn addict . Healthy Sex bonds you in healthy ways . Unhealthy, porn fueled sex will make both feel empty . Disconnected. BUT everyone is different. If the choice was have my husband use me as a blow up doll , or have him communicate he’s having urges to PMO and actually talk feelings I pick the latter . AND in talking , his urge would most likely change to an urge to have soft gentle all encompassing sex
Peace

 

Yes! I do too. I think healthy sex can bond you. I think yes there are hormones released that do bond... but.... I don't think it happens in all cases. Like for all the women who are raped out there, are they now bonded to their rapist? I think not. Are wives bonded to their cheating husbands? I think not. It depends on the context of which the sex happens.

 

Right . There is little to no “bonding” in frat house sex either lol or just good ole F with a male friend . I literally felt like I COULD NOT bond post DDAY with my husband. For awhile atleast I was angry , hurt , bitter . All good now , but I believe my SO and yours have similar drives , which he thought was high , umm no just porn fueled . Mine has always been much higher , naturally. Also , his PA was 100 about medicating , not sex as well .

 

Yasssssssssssesssss !!! Perfectly put Thor !

 

I didnt read anything she said as an attack. I see this thread as many differing opinions looking at the same issues in different ways. You keeping at it is just drawing it out. Get off it.

 

I'll get off it, fine. I just find it frustrating that those most inclined to be critical of others are so often the quickest to react negatively to criticism.

My most important contribution to this thread is already made, and frankly I don't wish to spend any more time or energy explaining to someone through text alone why their words might be taken in a negative light. Nuance, intent and motivation is all lost, and so the tone of the text will be picked up differently by different readers. The same with this post. You can read it as if I'm fuming or quietly resigned. I just happened to read Anna's posts as polite and calm, and Castiele's as looking for an argument and wih a lack of concern for causing offence. That may not be the case, but they were written in a way that caused me to read them that way.

Well I wasted some more time wih the rest of that paragraph it seems. Well anything is better than PMO. Now to do something genuinely worthwhile with my day...