I am curious about how the addictive process began for PAs....Did you use porn to numb your feelings and did it snowball out of control? Were you just really aroused and enjoyed it and it overtook You? Did you lack self esteem and did it make you feel powerful? Were you a chronic masturbator before porn but just added it to your M? Thanks for helping this female understand. I have accessed porn before, but was never compulsed-just wondering how it got to be that way for you.....
I don't think anyone starts using porn just to numb their feelings. You need to try it first before you can experience that. For me it was curiosity and excitement when I was younger. About the female body. Later on, I think it's just a process that established in my brain when I was feeling bored, lonely, or worthless. I used to smoke cigarettes and the mechanism was similar (technically sex has its own region in the brain's reward center though). Numbing the feeling is not what the addict looks for, he's looking for the high. Numbing is a consequence, due to desensitization.
Well my early life was extremely fucked up. I started MO at 5-6 years old and then started PMO at around 7-8 years old, I'm 18 now. And yes I'm a female also. My family has always been a bit dysfunctional, mom died early, dad always at work, grandma had to baby sit me all day everyday and poor grandma had the assumption I was innocent and never monitored what I watched or searched online. Came across pornography by accident and curiosity kept me going back. My parents made a huge mistake buying me my own phone and computer at age 7, and allowing me to keep them in my room without parental guidance. If I would have known my issues would become this bad I would of told my parents to buy me something else instead. Pornography was a way to distract me from the daily issues in my life. Dad couldn't get over my mom's death and would get angry and always yell at my grandma and grandpa for nothing. I would stay in my room literally all day because I didn't want to hear what was going on in my living room. Brother moved out to live with his friends because he was sick of it too. Around 4-5 years ago I managed to stop watching porn but still had chronic MO issue. Beginning of this year I relapsed due to depression from my abusive ex boyfriend and now I'm struggling all over again.
For me I was addicted to M when I was like 6, because I loved the feeling. I didn't understand what I was doing and was curious like most kids, unfortunately I did it way too much... I got into P when I was about 10 by accident, it was a popup I saw and stupidly I clicked on it but got caught watching later. I secretly kept coming back and really regret how that messed up my childhood, all I was told was "kids shouldn't watch that stuff, wait until you're older", and so I didn't know or understand the harm in it. I started using it purposely with my anxiety and stress when I was a teen, because it was like the ultimate medication until I needed higher dopamine releases. It got so bad I was searching for messed up stuff because "normal" P wasn't enough anymore, I was ashamed and disgusted with myself. For me, I think it was chronic M that was the biggest issue, until I combined it stupidly with P.
Enrealidad quería explorar mi cuerpo, en si al ya tener mis 12 años pues me intrigaba, mis padres eran muy cerrados a dichos temas para hablar de eso con migo. La principal razón es la curiosidad y más por el simple hecho de q siempre pasaba solo en mi casa.
Wierd as it sounds, but my addiction started with my best friend, when we were 15 he showed me what porn is...he even showed me how to masterbate! We (stupid kids) were masterbating together, like who would cum faster, shit...I actually feel so embarrassed telling this. I wasnt able to ejeculate tho...only my "best friend" succeeded...but I was so curious how this orgasm feels, that I kept trying once a week...until It was a "success" day, when I finally ruined my brain. The rest is history.
In sixth year (I believe) of school I got told to visit a seemingly innocent website concerning a certain island of pens... turns out it was a porn site. Being curious, I stayed on there and looked around, and... yeah. Shockingly, I never really got hooked on P, as other than every now and then erotica, I haven't intentionally viewed it for over 7 years, but I also learned to MO, and currently that's my biggest issue.
I don't know why but it just came to my mind that for some reason during middle school, where most everyone is interested in sex more than anything, I always repressed my sexual side to other people. I hated when I had to speak on sex ed, I never admitted that I masturbated, and I always said that I didn't wanna have sex till 16 or 17... I was basically acting like most girls do here. But I would use pornography almost every day. I never remembered that part of me until now, and even though it's not related I just realized that it was pretty fucked up.
Yes, I started my masturbation career at 13. I didn't use porn until I got my first computer, aged 42.
My porn viewing began before MO habits, I believe around the age of 10 after a friend showed me something on a library computer. I think because it was so different, once the initial disgust wore off, I was just curious, so addicted to the novelty perhaps.
I think I got addicted because I thought it was normal to M and it seemed like everyone else did. You're made to think it's a part of growing up. I saw P at a pretty young age with my friend, but didn't start using it till years later. Between 12 and 16 I used p subs and M'd almost daily. Then when I got older and had more access to technology I was searching for psubs of my particular fetish and discovered there Is a whole pornography genre dedicated to this particular fetish. That's when P became an essential part of the process and I wasn't just fantisizing and looking at Psubs anymore. I think lack of self confidence got me into this whole thing. I liked dominant women before I even knew about a thing called femdom porn. So I would say lack of confidence and wanting to be like everyone else and fit in caused my to overindulge and become addicted before I even realized it was bad or a problem for people.
A combination of these toxic ingredients. -Parents and family overprotective of me -Living far away from other kids, never had much friends to play with -Inability to cope with loneliness in a healthy way -Enormous self-esteem issues, anxiety -Complete lack of socialization until my late teens -And many many more It could be argued that one of these reasons caused the other ones to manifest so let's just say that I was fucked from day one.
My addiction to P wasn’t extreme maybe 2 times a week to 2 times a month. But still couldn’t stop so... addiction. M was the harder one to avoid for me. I started when I was 13. Was terrible time in school (middle school always is) and I was obsessed with what I viewed as my body not being “normal”. I was sheltered and didn’t even know that erections were normal or that others got them until I read it in a library medical book. I was fascinated with bodies esp. female and searched the library ( before internet ) to find info. When the internet came about I was in my late teens and naturally the best place to see naked people was P. I never was interested in watching sex. But seeing other bodies. Interesting women. Guys to compare to “so that’s what’s attractive in a man” and then the obsessive mind uses it to M later on.
