We've only been together 2 and a half years. He confessed his PA to me before 2 years. Found out I was pregnant a few months after that and we got married a few months later. Mostly, during my pregnancy, I put his PA on the back burner of my mind and just tried to be okay with it...then Valentines Day happened.... We had been discussing post-partum sex, which we attempted 2 days before, but it was uncomfortable. So, I googled ways for it to be better and shared with him an account of a woman who had her husband wait 18 months for sex after the birth of their baby. My husband responded with "I bet he wanted to cheat on her". Which I responded with, "Oh? Would you cheat on me if we wait 18 months?" He replied, "No, but I'd masterbate a lot and you'd be mad". We had sex Valentine's day and the day after that. Then, the very next day, I walked in on him PMing (or however these abbreviations work). I left. I told him to take care of our baby and I spent the night at my mom's. I came back the next day. He told me he put porn filters on devices, he set his stash out in the garage for trash day and I said good and I said I need a break from you. He's currently staying at his mom's, who I told about his PA. I'm trying to get my head around letting him under the same roof as me again. Because I can't be okay with him lying and looking at porn when I am right there. So, I'm contemplating using "boundaries and consquences", but I could use some help with how to approach letting him come back home. My therapist said I shouldn't invite him back too soon, but I feel it's bad to abandon him when he clearly needs support...? What would be the steps to trying to acheive our "normal" again? I mean, after this little separation I cant see sleeping in the same bed just yet...but could that trigger him if we don't? What's your advice?
I think that you are doing the right thing on many levels. You are on here asking for advice and I hope that you will find it, as well as tremendous support from others in similar circumstances and hopefully some insight from recovering porn addicts as well. You are also communicating with your husband and being very clear that porn and masturbation are not okay with you. And it's great that you are concerned about his well being and his recovery as well. I do not know if there is a right answer about how long is best when it comes to inviting him back, but I think your therapist is on the right track. Don't rush it! Who knows how long it may be before you have the courage to throw him out again. Here's my thought (as a male bodied masturbation addict) - maybe try giving it two weeks. And maybe, in the meantime, you can read "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow". In it you will learn that it takes about two weeks for someone to (mostly) recover from the effects of an orgasm. If he can go two weeks without masturbating, his brain and body will have normalised and then you might be able to have a clearer discussion with him about the future of your relationship. Of course, he needs to stay off porn as well. If he is convinced that its a problem, then he needs to start working on his recovery. I think it is fair for you to expect him to take some sort of action. The porn blockers are great. Active participation on NoFap is better. And seeing a CSAT (certified sex addition therapist) or going to 12 step meetings like SA, SAA or SLAA would be best.
