Staring In Public

Your post here indicates a number of issues. Youre still thinking like a P addict, "rating" "girls" (who I presume are grown women) on a 0-10 scale. You are thinking of women as things to illicit dopamine for your ego self. As long as you continue to do this, you will not recover.

You are acting like a creep and a predator to these women. It is not their responsibility to respond to you in any particular way. *You* are causing the problem, so why are you asking about their "instincts"?

The tips to prevent this (and Ive been through some of ittoo) is to watch and listen to videos on womens perspectives. This will train your brain to view them as people, not lust objects for you to rate, categorize, and collect like so many P images and videos.

This is a good place to start. Do you want to be like the guys in this video?

 

...yeah....look at what you've propgrammed......and addiction....man...this takes you doing your part by decentralizing that urge...to look at ppl like that...and what is behind this......what is fueling this addiction.You're not alone in this....reach out to us.........

 

Which do you think it's easier for me to do?

To look (or glance) at women without lusting or
To simply not look (or glance) altogether?

It took a long time to accept that it was simply easier for me to not look than to look without lusting. So I don't. I don't give myself permission to know what other women look like, to know what they're wearing. How would I know that she's a 9.5 unless I'm checking her out to begin with? Busted.

I practice the zero-second rule. If I check out a woman for exactly zero seconds, I'm not going to lust. And if my eyes do fall upon a woman, then I bounce the eyes immediately. It becomes a reflex for me now. I do this with every woman that I don't know nor interact with. It doesn't matter how old she is, or how fat she is, or what she's even wearing. My messed up unconscious flesh addict in me goes from zero to pervert in less than half a second.

By doing that, I'm not heating up my brain nor getting myself triggered for a relapse.
I'm demonstrating that I have value by not desperately seeking validation from these women that I'm looking and lusting at.
I can see them better if I don't look at them; a whole lot better.

This takes some practice, but it's gotten easier for me over time.

 

Old habits die hard. It is always better to not look than to look. If you can't avoid looking then at least try to use the 3-second rule.

I used to struggle with a similar problem when I was in active addiction.

 

i would still suggest doing the 12 steps here....

 

dude, seriously, this is the wrong question to be asking. There is no "should" or "correct" way to respond to creep behavior. The only people that want to know why or how victims respond is a rapist. Don't go down that path brother, you have a way out here.

I'm glad you recognize the morality of the situation and are trying to improve. But let me warn you in no uncertain terms: if you continue down this path you are very likely to end up hurting someone and going to jail. And not for a short amount of time either.

Yes, it is hard not to stare sometimes - as PMO addicts we all struggle with this. The 3 seconds rule is a good one. You have to stop PMO and work on yourself to improve -

Did you watch the video I posted above? We are here to help.

 

ok I will just put attention to my recovery.No more posts...no more suggestions.Guess maybe I was getting too involved.But ok....I thank the program for what its given me.

 

I was responding to someone else...

Posts are good? It's good that you are here and asking questions. We are here to help and support each other be the best versions of ourselves, and not be slaves to our pps and lusting 24/7, like starving hyenas that lost their humanity

 

You will never not want to stare at attractive women. With great discipline and commitment you can train yourself not to do so but your natural instinct and desire will always be to look. I greatly question the insistence that this is only the behaviour of an addicted and corrupted mind, rather than what is innately built into all heterosexual males.

 

Wow, it's very bold of you to admit to something like this. This is something that is illegal in my country as it is considered intimidating sexual behaviour.

I'd suggest your assumption of consent may be misjudged and may in fact be their way of dealing with the situation in a non-confrontational manner.

It's good for you to notice that what you're doing is wrong, and incredibly brave to admit it to other people, but what you are doing is predatory and aggressive.
Not only that but you indicate only concern for your own wellbeing and not the wellbeing of the women you are clearly making uncomfortable. It would be worthwhile working on your empathy to try and understand how other people may be affected by your staring.

If you can't stop yourself, I suggest you see a therapist because this is really inappropriate behaviour.

 

I dont think anyone here said that nofap will make you never again want to stare or look at attractive women. Or that thats even a goal.

The issue OP brought up is an extreme version of "staring" - it is form of nonverbal harassment - literally making women uncomfortable to the point of them closing their eyes until OP leaves, examining their responses, rating them based on race and "hotness" and saying "she noticed I was creeping on her" - literally all of the signs of out-of-control lust caused by PMO.

I greatly question anyone who would come to a thread like this and not immediately recognize this alarming behavior, the danger it poses to OP and these "asian girls" and not try to help. This post does not indicate sobriety to me, but a dangerous normalization of sex-addict behaviors. Not the post of someone 400+ days sober.

 

I came to conclusion long ago ( when already I had had some longer time of sobriety) that actively not looking at attractive women in real public situations ( street, shopping centre etc.) is for me too tiring.
So I look at them, sometimes even I'm watching them for a while but there is one significant difference to former time when I had been an active PMO addict. In those times looking at attractive women was connected almost always in my brain with sex with them, I undressed them in my imagination - this happened mostly automatically so a habit.
Now looking at them is not connected with sex with them or with undressing them or someting similar.
Now looking at them I admire their beauty, clothes, style, behaviour, sound, smile .... and this lasts not long. It's for me like other people admire beautiful views when they are in the mountains or in Paris, Rome etc. I don't force myself to not thinking or imagining some dirty stuff looking at them. It happens naturally that such dirty stuff doesn't appear and I would have to to force myself a bit to activelly turn on dirty imagination.
It doesn't mean that sometimes ( rather rare at daytime) some lustful thoughts don't occur but in vast majority I am rather a lover of women's beauty.
I think it's innocent and healthy ( excluding lustful thoughts) because I assume the men who have never been sex addicts admire women's beauty too.

It's only my opinion to the topic. I don't know if I am right doing so but I feel I could be right.

 

Hi MWM, hinestly I’m a bit confused about why you were confused and what else you were expecting… Are you in a stable relationship? Or are you looking for a relationship? Did you also smile at her or just stare?
When I’m staring then I’d say it’s primarily because I’m interested in getting to know someone (and sometimes we are too one-sidedly focused on outward appearance) and may not yet have had the courage to talk to. so I suppose your unconscious self is trying to get to know the lady, right?

“she noticed I was creeping on her but just closed her eyes and pretended I wasn't there when I was literally right next to her. I mean, shouldn't your first instinct is to move away or call me out? What is this behavior?”
Well, a lady who does not like your staring would most likely turn away. She didn’t. So I bet she was waiting to find out whether or not you would be bold enough to start also smiling at her or even talking to her. Most likely she perceived you as an interesting, ‘potentially likeable’ guy. Next time in such situation: try talking to her. On anything. Then you’ll find out…

by the way, never expect that a lady will immediately signal that she likes you, she wouldc rather want to put you at test. They are awaiting the man to make (most of) the first moves. Obtaining a ‘neutral’ reaction may be an opportunity to start a flirt.

 

Hi Mr Eko, I love your take on that! I think that’s indeed the most natural attitude and many healthy and happy women and men would surely agree: Even if we are in a stable relationship, the occasional superficial looking or flirting, or being looked at, without further intention, is giving us some spice in our life and mutually boosts confidence. Most married women (if they are not overly anxious and traumatized) will appreciate the occasional compliments to their beauty. And even a longer look, without saying anything, can be perceived as a compliment. (I’d prefer though to add a smile to it, staring with a bad-mood grimace on the face may as well be perceived as intimidating or harassing)

 

But don’t you think it’s an unhealthy way of living. Not looking at women would not make any difference at all, you still think if you look at them, you’ll look at them with lust only. That’s what you need to change buddy. When you look at a man, you scan him from head to toe, right. But you don’t stop at their private parts or sexual parts. It’s the way we are programmed and do same with women, don’t hold your eyes on their sexual parts only. Look at them like humans only. I also have the same problem but I’m coping with it by just not thinking much about women in general. Trust me it helps so much if you don’t think about it at all. If you tell your mind to not look here and there, then you’ll definitely look at that spot. Human brains are like this only, we humans are very curious. So try this, be natural and having a sense of respect in your mind about everyone. Your image will improve on its own and you’ll be healed naturally. And checking out women is not a bad thing at all, opposite genders attract each other, it’s natural. So stop thinking much about this next time you see a lady and maybe appreciate her beauty instead of thinking how hot she is!