I think these are great questions to ask even if you don't have the answers yet. Self-knowledge is an important thing. It's difficult to tackle problems if you don't know exactly why you're having those problems in the first place.
Wow, I don't get on this forum on my computer very often, my phone doesn't show my day counter so I forget where I'm even at most of the time. 72 days already again. That's pretty amazing because I figured I was more at like 45 to 50. For me, the daily counter thing adds stress, I'm not sure why. Probably because I'm so fixated on a far out goal that the "progress" seems almost non existent. That actually makes me feel worse than just setting the counter and forgetting it exists. All any of us can really do is focus on one day at a time. Having that mindset of "I've made it, X many days can I make it one, two... days more? Makes me feel like it limits my potential. I like being able to see the counter, and look back at the progress. But, man I think many might improve streaks if we weren't counting days like it was a miserable experience. Already I'm here thinking, I'm about 45 days from my all time record. What does that really even mean? Honestly, not that much because my goal is lifelong freedom. So thinking of a personal record only sets a limit. I don't want to relax when I've broken that record. So, in many ways coming here on my phone has been a better experience for me.
Someone asked me about the counter on my journal. I think it’s a personal thing. Use it as you need to, even if that’s different from other people. Me, I need it. Others may not.
I just noticed the convo on your thread, please know my comments had nothing to do with your journal! I agree that its personal preference, I have just found the set it and forget it has worked well for me.
Totally - our issues here are personal and unique to everyone else, and so the way we deal with them has to be similar.
Thought I'd share because I stumbled into an old episode. This first caller is the specific one I've talked about several times. About why I haven't tried pressing on marriage counseling. I'm not in the place I wanted to be yet, but I'm closer than I was. Wife and I decided to start with individual stuff first. I have mine starting this week. Wife hasn't had time to look yet.
Just caught up on your recent posts buddy and sending you love and strength. We're on a similar path I think - and if either of us figures out these answers lets at least share!! Hope youre coping OK buddy!!
Made a comment to my wife that we have too much stuff. I'm tripping over all the new Christmas toys our daughter got. There isn't any room on the floor that doesn't have stuff covering it. It's nice stuff, and much of it is pretty cool. But it's so excessive, and adds so much stress to me, and my wife as well. In typical fashion, it triggered her into one of the blame sessions, am I perfect? No, and have never said I was. Why is it not ok to point out something that needs to change? I was torn into for having laundry out, (I put a load in the washer and had some stuff out because of that. It's not a permanent mess, it was just for today, you would think she'd appreciate that I'm doing my own laundry and keeping ahead of it. She finds little things like that all the time when I try to address bigger issues. Call it what you want lots of ways to describe the behavior, what she does is ridiculous, and it's all to shift blame to me so that she doesn't have to address her crap. Just trying to get the frustration out, and want to focus on my own crap. No PMO for me today.
This kind of communication was one my husband and I had to work at changing. I used to get defensive if he pointed something like this out. I knew he was right, but I felt guilty because it felt like he was telling me I was a bad mom because the house was a mess. Reality , we both were exhausted, we both liked giving the kids stuff, but it was all too much! Reality wasn’t him calling me a bad mom, he was just observing that it was causing us stress. Inside I agreed, but felt attacked. So then I would get angry. It can get better.
My wife and I struggle with these thing too. I will see the house is messy and so I start doing the dishes. Then she gets angry for me doing dishes cause like she thinks I don't think she's good enough or something.
I think that I just went though was gaslighting. IDK I'm kinda just in shock. Trying to break the cycle of behavior of resorting to PMO to cope. Don't feel like getting into any details, I just felt the need to say something. Got ripped a new one, and then was told how she didn't yell at me. Body is ringing the alarm bells and I'm just taking some time to cool down.
Exactly, that was my intent. I don't know how to help. So much big stuff that just gets eventually thrown into any space it will fit. I know she's exhausted, but she's also the reason for the junk! She buys so much stuff! And her family members do too. I've suggested requesting that all family members donate to a 529 plan so that we can have control over the toys in our home. My wife won't even let me finish that sentence suggesting that. It doesn't feel like it's getting any better. The tough stuff is being told how bad and sick I am for saying I need to leave the house to get away from the yelling. Then getting threats that she's done. Ugh it sucks.
Most of the time, I get blamed for how my wife reacts, I have realized with my addiction recovery efforts that no, in fact she is fully responsible for her own responses just as I am responsible for mine. I see now just how much my wife struggles with shame. And when it's triggered how she lashes out at me. It sucks, but I also see how I've coped with how her behaviors affect me. And that's a problem too, I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
Lots of emotions that last 24 hours. I came as close to a relapse as I have since my last one. I was able to get past that though and am doing good. Called a couple friends to just chat. Felt good. My daughter came up to me and said she was sorry for when Mommy yells at me. That broke my heart to hear but meant a lot to me that a 4 year old would say that. Gave her a big hug and thanked her. I hope some day I can articulate the danger and affects addiction can have on a relationship, to protect her from the damage I've caused my wife.
I'm rereading "Redefining Anxiety" by John Delony before I pass it on to a friend. There's lots of reading I have on my desk. But this book has been so helpful I thought I'd read it a year later. These two quotes are ones I've bookmarked. I saved these intending to pass them on to a friend here. But thought I might as well just post it. "Let your emotions, anger, anxiety, sadness, inform you, but don't let them rule you.". "You can't stop the thoughts that pop into your head, but you can control what thoughts you give audience to." Giving audience to... I love that wording, it links directly to @KevinesKay and his toxicity levels. When I give audience to addictive thoughts and habits. It's too late. When I listen to my mind saying I'm not good enough, I am already in the start of a cycle. When I stress and get anxious, I already am in a place my body feels unsafe. Let emotions etc. inform you. Your body is trying to tell you something. Listen. Work to create an ecosystem surrounding you that is healthy. I need to focus on that.
You're doing a great job, @Warfman . Keep asking yourself questions and gently, kindly, and patiently seek answers. Everything isn't going to be resolved overnight. Give yourself time. If your wife blows up at you, do what you need to do in the self-care department: in a controlled manner, tell her you don't appreciate what she's saying--if she even gives you a chance to say anything--and that you're going to go away to give her time to cool down. Then go do something you want for fun, take a walk, read a book, call a friend, etc. If your wife crosses a boundary that leads you to a place where you think she's going to drag you down into a bad place, it's your job to walk away. Wait to discuss the matter another day on better terms. Your wife exhibits immaturity. That immaturity can change, but it will take time. For now, you need to learn to protect yourself. You need to take care of yourself first, in the sense of putting your own oxygen mask on before trying to put one on your wife. If she's gasping for oxygen, and you try to help her, you might fall into the same emotional distress she's in. Use these episodes as a chance to practice caring for yourself first. When things have had time to cool down, then you can think calmly and rationally about a way to respond to her; or you may decide to say nothing and let it slide and wait for an opportunity to talk through this kind of thing in the presence of a counselor. You are responsible for how you respond to your emotions, and so is she. When she fails in this, nevertheless aim to regulate your own emotions and keep yourself in check. Eventually, both of you will want to learn this skill, but it has to start with one of you.
You’re doing brilliantly buddy. Keep your hands of that cock and your eyes of porn! You can and will become a better man, father and husband!! proud of you bud! Keep going!
