Yea, definitely agree with you. What has historically happened to me that my wife has actually voiced is when things aren't going good at work. I emmerse myself into fixing it. Something breaks and profits are low for example so instead of hiring it done I start figuring out how to fix it myself. I'll get online looking for solutions, finding parts etc. Meanwhile she's waiting for me to come home and be with her, even even I'm home I'm figuring out what to do to fix it. A lot of this stems from pressure I put on myself to make my father proud. Which I'm finding will never probably happen. Not that I think he isn't proud of me, but he'll never say it to me. I've chosen that over my wife at times. Work life balance, and Knowing when to shut off the working brain and be present with my family are things to work on for me.
This is all very fresh, and lots more will change I think. But I think maybe the single best thing I've done yet was approaching this topic of safety with my wife on my own in my own words. It seems I articulated it in a way that described exactly how she feels even though she didn't even realize it herself. This seems to have opened her up a TON! I don't think I could have done this effectively sooner than about now. The first few days were not the most enjoyable, mostly she was blaming me for this new realization, quite a bit of yelling involved. Maybe I showed an improved ability to take the blame that I actually do deserve, while also expressing myself fairly too? Seems like it went that way anyway. Since those first couple days, we seem to have navigated thru the raw hurt and are talking about deeper stuff of hers. We had a good conversation last night that was really good about things that I didn't know about. And she's voicing an interest in looking into more about avoidant attachment. Just months ago she was saying that she didn't need to do any work on herself and that I was the only problem! Another thing that's really crazy, is for the first time maybe ever, she actually asked me how she could heal from past stuff from before me? Not that I'm some expert, but this isn't something she does ever. She never asks for my views/experience ESPECIALLY when it's deep vulnerable stuff like we were talking about. This seems to be going quite fast, and it will probably slow down soon. But it's been a good week in terms of progress I think.
This is really great. Praying it continues, because this is the kind of emotional intimacy that can create a new safety and draw you two together. I feel like I keep recommending resources too much, but your words keep reminding me of things I read that helped me and created openings for dh and I to see where other hurts were enhancing my trauma. Anyway, thinking back to the attatchment theory part, I read a book on childhood neglect that was really affirming. It doesn't refer to like the physical neglect we think of, but emotinal neglect that can come from even homes that seem perfect but have other dynamics at play. Anyway, in case she (or you) is interested it is called Running on Empty by Jonice Webb. For me it really hit home on a lot of the defenses I've put up so people can't hurt me again.
Funny, Childhood neglect was exactly what she told me about. Her grandmother promised she would attend an event when she was young but didn't show. And instead was at her aunt's house who lives nearby. She said she can see how things like that (and other stuff from past relationships) have reinforced her expectation that people will always let her down. Maybe that's why she has historically been so jealous and controlling in our past? I'm really trying not to force my opinion onto her of how she feels because that isn't my place, I keep trying to form things I have thought in questions, or if it's a pointed statement say "you may not feel like this but I think maybe....". So far that works but I know in the past I've hit a sensitive nerve and things derail fast. I'm going to try my best not to let myself that those altercations personally as I have usually done. I'll check that out and mention it to my wife. Thanks! Also, I have to be really diligent during this time. I have the power to continue this or destroy it. All by the click of a mouse. I'm doing good there, and my wife has made some suggestions today about things I'd love to do with her. We just haven't had any alone time. Patience.
Based on that she might really relate to the book. It touched on a lot of things people did (or failed to do when they should have) that cut really deeply. It puts you in a place where you can't rely on other people because they let you down and hurt you over and over. In the end the walls go up because the pain gets to be too much. Just keep remembering that being there to listen and understand how she feels is really important. The kind of hurts that the only reason we can find for it is some flaw in ourselves are the ones that just having somebody hear the hurt and just give it space....that can be enough. Or who hear it and see where you can avoid doing something similar, or even going as far to ask what she needs and then deliver without letting her down. It takes a lot of strength to open up about these wounds because we risk the person hearing it twisting the knife a little more. Every time you are there for her, really there, really attentive with no judgement just space that what she is sharing isn't going to drive you away or make you ignore her....it all helps.
The hardest times are when I am genuinely trying to do that, but something I say upsets her and it turns into a defensive shift the blame to anyone else. So many times I haven't even been trying to blame her. Just trying to visit about something objectively. It seems my biggest challenge/role through that is being stable myself so that she can be the one opening up about her own stuff. Like you suggested once about me bringing my best self to the relationship, with addiction under control.
My wife is having a hard couple days. It's totally understandable. Just feeling overstimulated from the natural dynamics of having a baby and a toddler competing for her affection and attention. Then there's her husband who wants it as well. I don't know if it's all me, but why is it I feel like my wife makes me feel like this is all my fault. That I don't support her, when I most definitely do! It seems it's that picture/words communication issue, I just haven't figured out how to work though this. I think counseling will, I have started the ball rolling on this but we won't start until beginning of the new year. I feel I've been so attentive to her needs and just don't feel she has the capacity to offer it back. Which I think is very understandable. I think she is really struggling with affect regulation as well. I really want to have conversations about how to navigate creating a better support system around us. My wife is so guarded she just doesn't trust others with her babies. This is a good thing, but she also overwhelms herself, and the only person she expects to pitch in is me and my mother who she trusts. She holds her new babies all day long and gets upset when she's exhausted, my thought is well of course you are! I suggest to her that she needs to start transitioning to a bottle so that others can take care of the baby so she can in turn take care of herself. But it just seems like my wife can't put that into action. It's really a shame she doesn't trust her parents. I think that's because of what she experienced as a kid. But it is hard to watch her sister go on dates with her husband all the time while my in laws watch their kids, meanwhile, our kids have never spent time alone in their home. My wife gets upset when they do this all the time, but then she won't actually commit to allowing her parents to watch our kids. Maybe she's protecting our kids from things I'm not aware of. I honestly don't know. I suppose it's just something I have to accept, but I really hope we can work on trusting some of my close friends families who have little kids too to help reduce the 24/7 madhouse. I have ideas that I think would be great, I just need to open up that conversation without it getting blown up.
I think when people get overwhelmed they have the tendency to blame it on others. I can certainly be guilty of that. My other half has a good way of point it out without pointing it out. She'll be like, I think you need a coffee, or I think you need to eat something. And it sort of lets me know, ah right, I'm being a prick cos I'm grumpy. There's definitely gentle ways to get people to look in the mirror for a second and take a breath. Getting a sitter or something makes so much difference. We're quite isolated round here but my parents will take the kids for a weekend every so often and it's so strange but nice having a normal weekend. Just go round the shops or to the cinema without hauling around children worrying about feeding, changing them, etc. Maybe introducing the elder child to nursery or something might make her feel a little more comfortable with it.
Very true, and good point for me to reflect on. Yes, I'm trying hard to encourage my wife into some of this. We are only 2 years away from regular school for the first one. So that day is approaching fast. But in the short term we have to learn to be more trusting of others. Not just so we can go on dates and have sex, but just to enjoy life. And recharge the batteries every so often. My wife just can't let go, and often blames me for why she's so stressed. It's definitely an area that needs worked on.
I don't think you can force her to mother in a way that is not hers. I hold my babies all day because I cherish every moment of baby. I don't use bottles because nursing is that special thing that only I can do for baby. It is hard for some of us to go from being the only one with baby because we are growing baby, to suddenly a whole world that wants and demands to separate us very quickly. If I can lend any perspective here as a mother to multiple and another on the way, meet her in her mothering and support her. Get her a nice baby carrier (like a tula) so her arms can rest. Make sure she has everything she needs at her nursing spot so she can let baby nap in her arms - snack, water, her laptop with cord, a book to read to your toddler. Pick up dinner and do a date at home. My husband has learned through the past 15 years of parenting that babies are my treasure. Yes I am going to wear myself thin, but it's because I know that I will never get these days back and they go way too fast to give away.
If there's one thing I have known and always known. There is ZERO forcing my wife to do anything she doesn't want to... haha. Had that one figured out pretty quickly. I think I'm doing those things you are suggesting, and definitely much better than last time, but there's always more than can be done. It really helps to not be so sick this time. I was definitely in survival mode mentally and physically. I'm not big on going out and traveling, I just wouldn't mind an hour or two alone once in a while. I remember one of my brothers and his wife called, they were literally hiding in the closet from their 4-6 year olds. Haha. I agree, these days will be missed, even though they are hectic. My wife does have some deferent baby carriers but she's never used them. Our first never took a bottle, mostly because my wife didn't want to try in my opinion. We did try a bottle the other day with success! So that's a start. My wife will admit that her last experience was tough, but she struggles letting that go, probably for similar reasons you are suggesting. I don't want to force my wife to do things she doesn't want to. I just want her to communicate with me, rather than yell and blame me. If I could give her an afternoon off where I was self sufficient with the baby, I think it would do her a lot of good as well. I suppose it's misdirected blame at times. Seems we are in a better place than we were last time. So that's encouraging.
It's very encouraging. Remember you can always just ask. Is there anything I can do, right now or today that would help? Or, you seem tired, is there anything you need or do you just want to vent about it? I know when we transitioned to 2 I was worried about our older one getting enough attention. It may be a relief to get extra help there. My husband is the one to put the olders who still need help falling asleep to bed. Yeah it makes me a little sad at first but it helps and he's come to love reading them a story and laying with them for a few minutes each night. With each new baby we have to tweak the system. Kids are moving targets it's never the exact same thing each time. I'm sure you are doing great, it's always rough the first few months.
Yes I know what you mean, I feel I do try and help a lot, pretty much both kids are my responsibility from the moment I get home from work until bedtime other than feeding time for baby, during that time my wife frantically cleans what she can. Yet it is quite a bit more complicated than that. At the moment I'm not really feeling like getting into it. I just want the tragectory things are going to continue.
Some thankful points I think I should share. We had a profitable year. I was able to make some significant upgrades on infrastructure, equipment, and genetics. There's a lot i have to look forward to here. Things look promising for next year as well. Winter so far has been very mild. I'm debt free, other than my wife's student loans. Financial Peace is incredible. My wife had to work zero days this year! I was able to support us with my income alone. She actually said she appreciates all I've done to put us in this position financially. Even though she resists my leadership in this she's showing appreciation for it now. My health is stable 50 plus days PMO free again. Been here 13 months. I'd say I'm about 11 free of those 13 months. Stress and anxiety are so much better than they were a year ago. My wife voluntarily starting to show intimacy once in a while. We still have rough patches almost daily. But I feel a lot better about it.
This is proof of the NoFap superpowers. Look at you: living the dream in the only way possible...imperfectly human.
I've been on this journey even with addiction. My debt free journey started 8 years ago. I think I would have felt some of this even in addiction. But probably not on this level.
Thanks man, @ANewFocus The biggest "superpower" I think is having the capacity to appreciate normal everyday things at a higher level. It really is what holds us back. There's obviously tough stuff we deal with. But lots of positive that we allow to be fully missed because we are in that altered state of mind.
To be debt free would be sublime. For me, finances are a real anxiety trigger which I know I have to really tread carefully with.
I would say I started really noticing how much financial peace really is important after paying off the first several loans. It's the snowball method. It's amazing what doing that did for our day to day living. Paying cash for my wife's car was the next thing. Not having a car payment is probably the single best thing a person can do wanting to start out a debt free journey. As far as the business, I forced myself to learn how to fix things. So that I could reinvest my profits into those debts. It was incredibly stressful to see my friends and neighbors buying new equipment while I tried fixing our old stuff. But now it feels incredible. Because not only are we able to make upgrades, but I don't have a banker breathing down my neck! From your posts on your journal it sounds like maybe you are handling those stressors much better though? Which I've been glad to read.
